Trouble always seems to find its way into my life. Whether I
caused it or not. Well ok, the majority of the trouble in my life are side
effects of things I may have influenced and seemingly is a result of the ripple
effect that comes to be because of those actions. It’s sorta like the butterfly
effect. How changing one pebble in a story can lead to rather devastating effects
later on.
Well in my story it’s not pebbles but words that are
changers. Or rather to be specific with the instance, tonight’s issue came
around as a result of the lack of communication that exists. Anyway I got in a
fight with J tonight. Something that seems to happen on a semi-regular basis. I’m
a Gemini I think of the unbelievable number of possible tangents that’re out
there. I bend equations, I bend the rules, I bend things to suit my needs. But
up to late I can’t seem to bend anything in this relationship to flatten out.
If we’re not going from an astrological point of view. It just feels like my
personality is being mitigated. That a level or quality of me is unbecoming
itself. For instance tonight’s fight J invited me to a chat with someone I wasn’t
a particular fan of. Ok. Big Deal. Right?
Nope.
Rather than saying sorry and letting things move on. I give
him 5 minutes of silent treatment and he falls off the deep end with thoughts
of depression and how he’s so sorry that he needs time alone. Note of course
that I’m trying to stay level minded. Yes it irks me but no I don’t really give
a damn. Not at all. It’s only because he made it an issue that I’m even turning
my head in the corner of the issue.
In short he’s tooo submissive. It’s one thing if you have
someone who’s willing to be your mate and you and he have tense issues once in
a while. But this really is starting to get to me. No I’m not going to say that
I’m some kind of perfect being that’s incapable of fault. That’d be a goddamn
lie and I will be the first person to note that. I’m not expecting him to be someone
perfect either. It’s this silent treatment that I’m getting.
Alone is one thing. Avoiding a topic is something different.
I just wanted to have a mildly social evening of maybe talking. Maybe enjoying
his company. Maybe a bit of WoW intersparsed with a taste of melancholy roses.
No well not that last one anyway. I wanted company in this cold and somewhat
barren landscape. A quality that obviously I must deny even myself if that’s
the case. And he seriously wonders why I end up making friends with people all
over the world. At times this relationship leaves a hole in my chest. A burning
pain that fucks with me so much that I’m angry not only myself but everything
around it. Some people fill these holes with acts of religion or wealth or
power. I realize that this is simply a quality of life I know as mild betrayal.
But I must remain a level head in this world. A being that surpasses qualities
that exist all around me. I have to fucking move on. If not from him then at
least to making contacts that I’m comfortable talking to.
I don’t want every conversation to be a situation where I
feel at blame to the end of it. Isn’t that what being with Fao was supposed to
have taught me? Or is it that J’s latent manipulation abilities are finally
kicking in? Either way I know that I’m going to have to find my truth in the
world. I need to find the one thing out there that will bind me to reason so I
can have a level mind. A friend.
Kal could have filled that void in me. But he has his own
issues that I can’t really help with. I am a Gemini. My dual personalities have
fucked up my life as much as is and maybe sometime in the near future I’ll
regret having typed any of this message. But I need it for now. I need to voice
what’s hurting me deep inside. Maybe it’s not as badly as it was before. Maybe I’m
just too good at suppressing my own feelings. I really don’t know what else to
say. Maybe tomorrow?
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