10/31/11 Was it all a dream?

Were these last 8 months all a dream then? I guess so. I guess. *sigh*

All a dream of something that I thought would last. A dream that was so close I could literally hold onto it.

But I guess I can use it to put things into perspective. I hate myself.

And yes I've thought about hurting myself. Quite recently to be exact. And only 2 things in this forsaken world are stopping me from doing just that. The first being that I don't like other people cleaning up my messes. And if I offed myself that'd be a lot of mess to clean up. And the second being I have some self-respect left even at this point.

What self-respect? Well I've gotten this far haven't I? I've clawed my way out of hell. Nearly died of cancer at least once. Been almost mugged a few times in my life. Learned what it's like to be homeless, jobless, depressed, alone, unwanted, and even after all of that... Even then. What level do I have to myself? What deserving quality do I give myself that is a "reason" per say.

I don't know. But somewhere down there in the bottom of my being I've thought about it through well enough to decide. Live damn it. Live because I told you to. It's not meaningful in any other sense but telling me to fucking live.

And I guess I have to listen to that. And Live I shall.

As for my current relationship status. If you see my page anywhere and it lists otherwise, message me and I'll delete any erroneous information.

10/30/11 How Crazy Your Love

So I was online and While browsing stuff I happened upon an unreleased album for one of my favorite artists. Namely it's YUI's album How Crazy Your Love.

It's a lovely album so far, and I can't but help relistening to a few of the tracks as I enjoy them a few times. It's nice.

Well to be exact I needed some me-time. Which is largely the reason I'm listening to the album in the first place. Well yes I'm aware that being in my present situation and doing little more than lounging is neither productive nor creative. And considering the endless amount of things that I keep tasking myself with that get rolled over by a  mix of compulsion and what not!... Anyway. So yeah it's a lovely album.

So yeah because web traffic is going to redirect people here and they'll think they're being ripped off.

Visit my other link http://Hzydreams.blogspot.com if you want a link to the songs. Yeah still working on it and it's likely to be rough for a while but I have a feeling it'll be nice soon :)

Anyway back to me. Feeling a bit meh still but gonna get over that soon enough. Here's to another tomorrow.

10/29/11 Alone

And so it starts another phase of my day/night of me simply being alone. I sit here typing and wonder if maybe this isn't the best course of action. Which of course is bullshit since it is.

And then I think more of it and I realize that being alone gives me an amount of freedom... I can stop worrying for once about offending someone or anyone. And though that alone feeling really isn't all to pleasant. I do what I can and live as I must. All because I am who I am. No one can stop that.


And maybe you shouldn't either.

10/28/11 Maybe I ask too much

Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Maybe I should, Maybe I won't.

To sum up everything that's happened in the last 2 months...

External Factors,
Are fucking with Internal Issues.
Which fester and Multiply.
And lead to this one being neither,
Happy nor Content.

10/27/11 Amazing Possibilities

So I was on twitter at obscene hours of the night as I usually am from time to time. And I noticed something... Peculiar. Well not so much peculiar as awesome. An artist acquaintance of mine... put an open note that she might be interested in working with a writer to make a comic... I've always had a knack for imagining something of this sort... And oh god this'd be awesome. I'm gonna work on a story of some kind that we'll turn into the basis for the comic maybe?

Oh god I needed something like this to keep me sane.

On a totally unrelated note... I'm temporarily giving up WoW. My subscription runs out today at Noon and in theory that should be an incentive for me to pound the fuck out of the gaming world/grind/pvp or SOMETHING. But ya know taking my current situation into perspective, I've decided against that and instead I'm going to do what I should be doing. I.E. typing my heart out with more job applications :P. Anyway as I consider all things constant I think I'm going to be ok. Well not as ok as I would have wished but hey we all have to go somewhere.

And lets see what else is on my mind... The following.

The World As You Won't Know It...

While yes that's just a picture of the globe... There's an evil story behind it. And you might know it if you were remotely awake for steam deals back during earth day ish. Yeah it's a game called Fate of the World. Created by nerdy scientists who wanted to envision how the world will be, or should be or could be and what not... Heading a group trying to limit carbon emissions, save the world from political unrest and stop random countries from accidentally screwing over the world with accidental spikes in global emissions. Yep. As the President of the Global Environmental Organization (Think of them sorta as the strings that pull the world's every movement), it's your task to save everyone. And while the majority of the world has no clue or should I say gives no shit about your prime objective, you're still tasked with saving them :/

The game is divided into various missions (think decreasing the global pollution by x. Increasing the GDP of the world by x or if you're really mad, ending all existence) which offer quite literally unlimited replay value. And though it's just a scenario based time stream between 2020ish to 2200ish, the random variables at play during any given time make the game both addictive and maddening.

As the president you're given a hand of cards that represent magical edicts, treaties, promises and the like towards a cleaner, more eco-friendly future. You'll do everything from research nano-technology and the future of fission science to introducing deadly plagues to wipe out certain population sectors, and all with the use of multi-colored cards :/ Why yes I realize this may sound really simple. But lets see... It isn't. First of all each card requires a slot (a representative that your organization hires to enact it) and oh that's right there are 12 yes 12 fucking areas where you have to simultaneously take care of. India's having civil unrest again because you looked away for 2 seconds? Too bad they've rejected all future support from your organization and will now be at war with itself and cause so much god damn pollution, you'd wonder how they still exist.

Did I mention that your cards used money? Yeah Each of the 12 regions of the world donate x amount towards your master budget and much like the real world, the areas that need the most help seem to donate the least resources. It's even more frustrating when you realize that areas such as the middle east and most of Africa are extremely unstable and prone to falling back into political turmoil given the least amount of nudging from the world, a disaster or their neighbors :/

Which is probably a sign that since I've had so many problems with such simplicity that I'd probably be a poor world leader. As I focused way too much on one aspect of the world's economy I unintentionally fucked up another area :/ Which is probably why the world's people were well fed but suffering from drastic decreases in just about everything else.

The internal balance of factors is really interesting in that fact and is likely the main driving force behind why I enjoy playing the game even if I'm horrid at it.



Meh I was about to type another section on how much I miss Korean noodles but I guess I've typed enough for now. I'll be back laters maybe. And if I do I'll type up another piece.

10/26/11 Dreamless

To achieve a quality of dreamless sleep, one simply needs to be so tired that he or she walks into things. But of course no that's not really all that I need to achieve such perfection. Indeed I need to not want to be awake anymore. Which is probably what recently just happened when I collapsed into bed and... wait did I just type "bed?" LOLOL I meant the couch I've been crashing on up to late. What is this bed you speak of sirs?

To be honest sleep has been the least of my problems up to late. Other more pressing concerns keep resonating in my mind. Specifically me and the boyfriend. I love him. But we're going through an extremely rough patch up to late. It's been really rough since it seems that my personality has been changing up to late.

And though it's far from resolved. I'm hoping we can get some place.

10/25/11 West Coast Mindset

As I could say... I hate my sleep/awake schedule. Because though regularly waking up at 11ish is perfectly fine, it's neither healthy nor good for my sanity. Well it's not like I'm trying to pass out at 4 some mornings. It's more along the lines of If I don't I'll just lie there on the couch for x amount of time. Approximately a few minutes more into the day I'll be awake and then come to the minding that yes I'm most likely not so good.

Anyway after going through my tweets last night and thing pondering over things and then going over my day's plans and then rolling around to get comfortable again and then feeling ill or possibly just hungry but didn't want to wake any one up with the noise and what not... So yeah that was my night.

Back to the title's sake. I was contemplating things and then I realized something grossly fundamental in nature... I'm on a West Coast sleep schedule... Which is likely a sign that I am destined to find my fortunes out there in the future. Well no maybe it isn't but I'd like to consider that an option. And so while I continue my ring of job hunts I'll field out feelers in that direction and consider it some more.

Which leads me to where I am right now. Back slightly bent as i sit on this overly soft couch and type my blog entry for the time being.

And on a related note I feel ill today :/

I guess I'll leave it at that for now.

10/24/11 On the Present

Be that which will be most helpful. It could be an interesting analysis or an interesting train of thought. Either way it should end up proving to you some factor obscene or otherwise that'll put your skills to good use.

Of course to most people what I just typed is a mid of completely random BS with maybe a hint/dallop of WTF cream ontop. But of course like most other things and most of my recent facebook and twitter updates, it's just things that've been on my mind. Small smidules of letterings/phrasings that I'd like to think were part of the residual effect of my mind having been asleep recently. Well I think I was asleep recently. Anyway... Now that I'm awake, I've got lots and lots to think about. Lots yet and more. I've got to allocate funds in various directions... Oh that's right I don't really have funds :/

And so I've got to come up with some / apply for more job positions / Find some means of being more proactive in my approach to getting out of my present rutt.

A friend asked what depression feels like. And to be honest I don't have a good definition of it. It exists as a quality, that looms over me. Yet at the same time it prevails as a mass entity that has found a feeding ground within you. Kinda like that. But no two people are exactly the same. No one can truly feel what you've been through. And I doubt even a psychic link can have any real backing as to the pain qualities that one can/will experience.

Meh I need to stop downing myself.

10/23/11 Rapture

So I was thinking back to what was it May-ish? Around the time when the Rapture was supposed to happen the first time. And all of those poor people who floated up to heaven butt naked because nude-ness isn't a sin anymore?

And then I thought about the relative ramifications of the present and how individuals today have none of those luxuries because well They're dead and what not or at least they will be since they weren't saved. Ok well dead isn't the right word since damned would be more reasonable right? Anyway as I was considering these factors, I considered other factors around the whole matter.

Actual Photo of a Raptured Individual.

While yes I'm not religious, I still find it interesting to consider factors relating to such apocalyptic findings. And even more hilarious of course is the fact of considering my location at the original rapture.

Why yes I was at a convention :P And even more hilarious was of course the fact that I was with my boyfriend thus completing not only the sinful debauchery that was supposedly present. Well yes it was, but for the sake of posterity, I won't go into the horrible fun/awkwardness that I have a tendency to get myself into.

Well the fact that my boss was looking for me and when he did call I was like: "Oops sorry, I'm in New Jersey." Of course even more hilarious of this fact would be the fact that New Jersey sucks. And while there again for the 2nd time in the recent past I came to the realization that yeppers it's really not that amazing still. The people are the same as when I had left it so many months in the past and everything else about it was just about the same. To that effect I probably sound like I'm hating on the state. And while the media continues to beam negative stereotypes as to the content and personas present, I personally don't have too much of an issue with them. Well too much of an issue.

Taken on one of my many Flights...

To consider other things of course, I'd have to look at how things have been going. Due to the downturn of the economy and other factors the following picture will not be one that I see in the forseeable future. Well to be exact I won't be seeing it until January at the earliest. :/

Which of course means that though I'd love to visit my boyfriend for at least one month out of the break, I realize that I most likely will be unable to. This point is especially true if and when I truly calculate other extraneous factors... Well to be more precise I'm flying Kyle out to San Jose with me. Which given my present situations, I have to consider not only the ramifications of all factors constant but also of the flights present. I want us to spend as much time together as possible so that means scheduling flights with the preference of getting locational factors the same. Ugh TOO MUCH PLANNING NECESSARY.

Anyway I'll get back to that train of thought in the future. Love you all.

10/22/11 An Ample Harvest

It's another Saturday in this lovely autumn month. And it's cold outside. Almost freezing :/ No seriously it's like regularly 40ish degrees outside. :/ Yes it's cold basically. The weather outside isn't "dreadful" just yet. But I have a feeling that it will soon become much much worse. And though the absence of humidity here in North Florida is quite nice, I must wonder if I really want to say enjoy my day much more.

It's late October and so I've been jobless for 2 months :( And I will eternally feel downtrodden if i can't so much as find myself a room to enjoy with my friends. Ugh. SAVE ME WORLD>.<

10/21/11 Pandaria

While no, yours truly is still jobless. He does however have a twitter feed. And because of said twitter feed, he is at least partially engaged with the world around him. Add nerds to the equation and you can probably understand why this weekends Blizzcon is... "interesting" to say the least.

Anyone on Twitter who's been following #blizzcon will probably have heard of World of Warcraft's newest expansion: Mists of Pandaria...

Which given the previous ones...

Lets see BC, WotLK,Cat, and now MoP?

And then it was Vanilla, Choclate Syrup, Sprinkles, .... and ...?

I can only hope that this will be an exciting addition to what I've already invested random amounts of time into. At the very least me and bf should have fun making panda monks... or rogues... or priests... HELL THINK OF THE PLATE WEARERS.

So yeah the above is the video of the expansion for Mists of Pandaria :) And as I consider the ramifications of having a pandaling to myself... I can't help but wonder exactly what I'd love to make or try out class wise.

With the release of information on the monk class's chi system, I can't help but wonder if it'll be more similar to rogue energy regeneration, or rage building. Or considering how they hybridized energy in the form of focus, maybe they'll hybridize rage? Even more confusing at least from my inquisitiveness is how monks will function in the grand scheme. Consider the fact that the monk class wears CLOTH. Now consider also the fact that with Cataclysm many if not all factors of the game were streamlined to produce a more standard RPG experience.

However with the introduction of this new class, there will have to be interesting changes as to how these mechanics must work in order for the game to unfold. Cloth gear for instance will either have to feature strength/agility OR intellect translates to one of the previous OR intellect will now be practical in some melee sense? Of course this could also mean that MoP introduces the concept of a cloth tank class/spec. (Well ok technically it's not all that amazing, remember warlock tanks back during BC?) And then of course there are many other considerations to be mindful of.

Each expansion has had a unifying feature that defines the reason the heroes of the age exist. I'm not even going to get into the list of the original bosses... Molten Core, lvl 60 Onyxia's lair, ZG and the others...

Burning Crusade had the necessity of the reconquest of Outlands against the combined forces of Illidan, Kael'thas and Lady Vashj. And then when Kael wouldn't die because it was "mearly a setback," Kil'jaeden swooped in at the end of 2.4 to make the Alliance and Horde finish off the errant Blood Elves. Of course we can't forget the Amani incursion with Vol'jin's rise back to power now can we?

And then Wrath of the Lich King featured Malygos who went crazy and tried to destroy all magic users, the assault on the Titan lands of Ulduar, the trials leading up to the assault on the Lich King and eventually Arthas' final demise. And as a 2.4 esque throwback WoW introduced the Ruby Sanctum for hardcore raiders.

Cataclysm hasn't been all that much different. Consider the aspects of it. Original Cataclysm was assaulting Deathwing's children (Nefarian and Onyxia's ressurection again), And then Cho'gall's untimely death and demise. Al'akir I don't really understand as much but he's one of those elementals that people don't like so let's kill him too? The trolls of the Amani and Zandalari pop into the world again because they moaned and groaned back in 2.3 after people stole their bears, raptors, and kitties. 4.2 saw Ragnaros' inevitable return as the lord of fiery evil. 4.3 will be fire themed as well with Deathwing's doom. Well eventual doom. The time lords in WoW, the Bronze dragon flight are willing to help change the fucking time stream to make things work out. Wonder what 4.4 will have to tide players with before Pandaria opens up...

Anyway as I consider the factors present, but who will the world be at war with in MoP? Oh wait... No one. That's right without a unifying figure to wage war against, the Alliance and Horde will be smacking each other to death. :/ So more PvP? or will some zone simply be meltified?

But considering what's happened so far... I think it'll still be a fun game. Even if warcraft's lore is now non-existent. I think I'll enjoy it.

10/20/11 Something Wicked

Well it's lovely 8 P.M. today. Well it's been 8 P.M. for a little while now so I guess that really isn't saying all that much on my end at least. Anyway, this will technically be the 3rd time I've woken up today. Which is probably to say that I've been sleeping too much :/

Well not technically so I had something to get done with on campus at 11ish. And I set my alarm at 8:30 but I got woken up by Eman leaving around 6:30 ish and so fighting off being awake I passed out again until just before 8:30 at which time I enjoyed a lovely shower. Having washed the sleep out of my eyes and forgetting anything I could have dreamed about, I thusly proceeded to start my day. I think I just missed the bus when I got to the bus stop but that's of little consequence as the bus I did get on had an open seat :). (As to why I'm so overly happy about such small things, consider that I dislike standing on a moving vehicle that jerks to a stop randomly.

Anyway got on campus around 10ish. Waited in Dirac for a bit and browsed my emails/checked up on things/got shit done? Well yeah I got some shit done at least. Kept up with the motions of daily hectic life. Finished what I came on campus for and then bus -> back to my friends place...

After which I proceeded yet again to go online for a bit in the vain hopes of enjoying some conversation time with the boyfriend. Instead after about an hour of staring at my computer screen, my body decided that Awake still? Nope. And so this was me:

Granted I don't think I necessarily face planted into the couch. BUT I wasn't particularly awake by any sense of the word. And then I woke up about 3 hours later and here I am now.


Which also brings on another small notation of how it's cold outside. I hate the cold. And this is partially one of the many reasons Kyle will never get me to move up north. Which begs the question of why I'm dating a cold climate person. :/

But yeah I need to stop by Whit's place and pick up my jacket and some other stuff. Namely the rest of my clothes. Because though it's quite awesome that I'm functional enough to cycle through the same 7ish shirts every week, I do miss having clean clothes... And before it gets absolutely freezing I want to wear my Hawaiian shirts a few more times :(

Though I guess part of me is truly wondering if I'm ever gonna be awake for myself. Well no that came out wrong. I dunno. Uhm... I think I'm ont totally awake as I type this blog entry. Note how my letters are relatively spelled correctly though. Amazing isn't it?

Anyway I have to go help Kyle with some 40k stuff. With any luck I'll have more random stuff to say tomorrow :)

10/19/11 More Dreams

I dreamed this morning (as opposed to last night) that I was at a convention. And though this is hardly surprising considering I've been just about everywhere on the dream tides, I must say that this is probably the first time I've been at a convention.

I remember two phases of it. One being in some type of meeting room and the latter a hotel room. I do have to wonder what it is exactly about this location that brought me there in the first place. What prey tell is so interesting about this... Nothing really.

I'm not feeling too hot right now. Well I'm probably just sick :(

10/18/11 40k

Of all the things that could possibly be on my mind right now. I don't think I'm in either the right state or the right mind set to contemplate the reality of the matter :/

10/17/11 Steam Lodge

So I woke this morning from a dream. And while dreaming for me isn't so much a rare occurrence as one that I have to continually run through my mind to remember... Well anyway as with most dream sequences, the mind can shift scenes very very quickly. And though to be honest I can't remember all of it. I do know of at least 2 sequences within the dream that I do remember.

Definitely not what  Steam Lodge looks like.

The first being the Steam Lodge and the second a bookstore. It was most likely a wooden building. Something that reminded me of an Onsen. I remember kneeling and leaving my overstuffed backpack outside. The door opens. Someone is with me. I don't know who they are but they feel familiar. Within the room are several older people. I can't remember much about them but they were most likely women. I could feel steam on my face. Warmth. And that's really all I can remember about that particular party of the dream.

In the second dream sequence I was walking into a bookstore. At least my mind told me it was one. There were shelves everywhere and books being unpacked. It might have been in that Dream Mall that I keep visiting once in a while (reoccurring dream locations pop up from time to time for me). There was a chubby guy in a what I think was a lime green polo. I ask him if he was hiring for the place. I can't remember his response. But I wasn't pleased with it.

Dreams are just pieces of or memories pieced together. Someone once told me that the only people you meet in your dreams are the ones that you've bumped into in real life. The mind can't create faces even if it can personalities. And so the individuals I've noted in my dream I've seen somewhere in real life. And though that could mean obscurity such as a TV show. It would also mean that I could have talked to some of these people in the past somewhere. Sometime ago. But then again it could also be that they have some special meaning for mind to have recycled them to this particular stage and point.

As for the picture that is clearly not a steam lodge but still pretty awesome... It's from WoW and was a screen cap of Cressy's first Lich King kill. She was carried off by one of the Valkyr and subsequently dropped to her death before being resurrected and carried out justice against Arthas. And so to date I've finished every raid except for the Firelands and the Throne of the Four Winds.

Amongst other news for the day. I bumped into Keba again :) He started talking with me out of the blue and I was all happy like. We hadn't talked in about 2 months ish and I'm happy to hear that he's doing pretty well up north. I look forward to bumping into him again. MFF fell through for him and so I'll be doing my best to corral him and Sail to FC in January. It'd be nice to visit California again. To see the sights and most of all to enjoy the company of friends as I find some meaning in relaxing.

Kyle and I are doing fine. We've still got more than our share of issues to work out. But to say the least we're on the right track. What began as a crush is now what we are. 8 months of being with the pup and I'm still looking forward to what the new day will hold for us. I've never celebrated a one year anniversary. With anyone. And I'm looking forward to having this be the first of many for us. Well that's if 2012 doesn't come true and wipe us off the face of the planet :/

So yeah. Everything's working out I guess. I'm still jobless and crashing on my friend's couch but, I'm optimistic. I'll get somewhere in life. If only so that I can say I was able to do so. It's gonna be a long 7 months since I've seen my bf again. But I'm gonna survive these next 3 months with my head in the air and calm composure about me. I'm not so stupid as to think everything will be fine but I do know that I am destined to survive all of this. And that there is a place out there for me. I just need to find my path there. Care to walk with me?

10/16/11 The Head of the Dragon

Nefarian's Head

Ah yes tis a glorious day in this neighborhood for dragon slaying. Well no not really since this head has been in my bags for the greater part of the week as I sat there wondering if I should keep it out of respect for vanity items or if I should simply toss it in Orgrimmar as a gift to all the lowbies out there.

And so after much deliberation I simply decided that Nefarian's noggin was of little use taking up a slot of my precious bag space and so I gave it to Garrosh and decided to fly around and wait as my name was confirmed to the ears of all whom would listen.

And though it's likely to have despawned by now I can say I've done something that's in lore at least right?

Oh right this is a blog about me. Hm... Slow day, nomz. Gonna go on campus tomorrow and enjoy myself as I job search AGAIN. :/ I don't want to work food oriented places but I don't have much choice now. :/ Gods save me from this fate.

10/15/11 Insane, Also a mini-analysis on Bronies

While this one isn't insane in the membrane as would be one of many possibilities as to what could have just been. I am quite content on how this day has gone by so far.

It's been a blah sorta Saturday. And most of this week but a blur. Went for a walk to Lichgate park and unlocked another badge on Foursquare :) Today's wait haven't I already said this? ... Uh sorry?

Anyway It's the middle of the god damn month and Mr. Me is still in the same swoop as ever. Organic Foodz seem to have made me feel slightly better but I'm not sure if it's so much the food as the fact that I'm awake and amazingly enough sober still.

I really don't understand brony culture. Grown ass guys personifying their characteristics onto miniature equines? Someone explain this concept to me. Is there a book somewhere out there that has this concept already mapped out and in plain English for me?

I guess the point of my rant over the sub-culture is summed up in one question: Why? What about this particular fad makes it either well interesting or enjoyable to the subsets? Is it so much that the individuals in question must be characteristically inept or is that just a side effect of the analysis at hand? This culture that has since infiltrated my world and many of the subcultures by which I entertain myself is interesting.

After all it initially presents, the infection acts by affecting the logic and speech centers of the infected's minds. Then as the stages progress further it acts to destroy common sense. The individual digresses from initial interest to stages and quantities of delusional madness during which the individual is considerably invigorated. As there is neither a cure nor a stage of recovery in this madness; the individual must live out his or her final days with the quandary. It's interesting indeed. 

10/14/11 Options

As a human we are always under the statute that things are in motion. However it is very rare that we are ever in a situation where we don't have options. For you see all around us are unexplored paths. In each situation there are indeed over a bazillion possibilities of courses of action that one can choose to do.

And in my particular path choices I have of course several variants on what I had originally looked into. As you may well know by now It's going a month and a half into my journey as a homeless/jobless individual and from it all I've realized many important things. For instance I hate being jobless. I semi-miss having a bed to sleep on. AND I miss knowing for a fact that I have a place to visit since each day of being homeless puts me further and further into debt :/ which of course is neither fun nor pleasant.

Depression

Is a mistress.

A kind one and cruel sword that slices the soul. 

She'll wrap her arms around you,

And you'll never realize if cold or warm.

Since you'll always be looking behind you. 

Wondering if the past can be changed.

____

Okies enough of me being emo now. Imma gonna keep my options open. Because in this world there is little more than that for me.

10/13/11 Anew?

So as you may or may not know. Everything about me is dynamic. Nothing is static in the least :/ And so as I continue living my days. I can't help but wonder if I'm going just a little crazy over everything.

I'm still crashing with my friend Eman at the present. And though my monetary funds are zilch or almost zilch and the IRS is on my back :/ I dunno I'll figure out something? Yeppers luvs I'll figure out something.

10/12/11 Already?

It's already midweek again isn't it? Why yes I said to myself as I looked at the clock. It is. And so I'm here wondering and thinking and wondering some more about all of this and as I consider it all. I can't help but to think of a time that felt so so long ago.

Today has been uneventful. I'm going to spend another long long day of BLAH tomorrow it would seem. There are only so many jobs in the world and I would almost be willing to grovel for one of them right now.

On a totally unrelated note, I need to do something with my hair :/ Because it's getting unruly and because yes i need it to look nice. :/ I guess I'll sleep on it.

10/11/11 Apply for Everything

Today I applied to crapton of places. I'm hoping to get a job in Tallahassee but I've set my sights in Orlando the time as well.

At present... This is where I'd like to work:

So not my picture. Google images found it. Don't sue me!

Well no not at the park itself... Wait would I demean myself to such a status? Is it demeaning? Wait nope. Making people's dream come true is hardly demeaning. It's rather nice actually I think. And no I wouldn't be working in the actual park. Instead I would much prefer to work in one of the hotels or the surrounding areas. I would love to be employed in such a field :)

On a different outlook. I've applied for several retail based positions. It's almost Old Hallow's Eve which means that very very soon I will likely to get if nothing else a seasonal position in retail. No I don't think it's too demeaning for someone as desperate for a job as myself to apply for such things. I need to get paid and I'm willing to do so no matter what I have to do. A job's a job. And I'm not going to give up on seeing the bf come January. And that means amongst other things APPLYING EVERYWHERE >.<

As I see it, by minimum wage working 40 hours a week (willing to do overtime) I can afford my FC plans with only 2 wage checks. There are 8 pay periods left before Furcon. I can do it! Well... Hopefully I can. I'd like to. I want to. I need to.

At this point in my life. It's not so much being able to have a future that drives me forward. No. It's the fact that I have someone to look forwards to that is my drive. I want to be with them. I want to be with him. To just hold his hand while going for a walk. Yes. That would be perfect. I would love that :) And that sir, is what I'm working towards. That is what I'd love to do and make do.

10/10/11 Anniversary

And on this day 8 months ago I did ask my boyfriend out. And after calling him a bitch. He did proclaim yes.


It's kind of sad that it's been so long since I've been with him though. Even more sad when you consider how even today we couldn't really spend that much time together. But you know... I'm grateful to have someone like him. He may not be the most brilliant scientist or the kindest person ever. BUT he loves me. And I know that when he's with me, I feel safe and happy. We've been through a lot together. and I hope we have a lot more to experience.

Love you Kyle.

10/09/11 Drunk

So as I type this, I am drunk. 7 shots of 40 proof vodka and a shot of mojito does me in :/. Fighting it as I fight this. Not doing too badly hm?

10/08/11 Crabs

Another late post :/ I really suck at this...


Went and got noms. An awesome crab place nearby :) Sophie's birthday.

Garlic Crabs and Fried Okra

And this is what I ended up getting. 7 delicious crabs cooked in an overly salty garlic sauce. Well not really overly salty. Tasty is a better word. The ones at the bottom that were over saturated in the concoction were a bit hard to eat... Let's leave it at that.The crabs were standard blues. Probably caught with in the last 2 days-ish. Arguably not the best season for these little guys though as they weren't particularly fat but they were quite delicious none the less. Yes I just said delicious twice in the same sentence. Deal with it.

They have amazing okra though. The small order was less than I would have hoped for but okra like this is HARD to find outside of the real South that I know as Alabama. Perfectly breaded (i.e. a thin batter that only covers the outside) this okra was not only fried just enough to be tasty, it was also exactly what I needed to remind me of why I love Southern cooking. For even though this dish was really simple it has that home feeling that I really haven't felt in a long time.

10/07/11 Basil Chicken

So after my expedition to Lichgate the other day, I was quite inspired to make some delicious food that had a bit of green in it (none of the people I'm staying with seem to like vegetables, I know the blasphemy right?) Anyway after grabbing a bit of random groceries I happened upon some delicious looking chicken legs. And so with a bit of Asian ingenuity I have worked out a delicious smelling basil chicken...

I left it on low so that the flavors can deeper infuse the chicken. It should be quite delicious... :) mmm... Perfectly salted it is... The Basil is more of a residual flavor than something that hits you face on. But for a first try it's not that bad. I really haven't cooked in forever :(


Tonight is a celebration of booze and I has a lovely margarita :) Sorries luvs I'm off to get some tasty.

10/06/11 Let the Dead Sleep

I want to rest. I really do. But it comes to me in such pained struggles sometimes. I swear it's a sign :(

10/05/11 It never does end does it?

So in my fits of being less than productive today as I continue the search for a career based job... I've come on to 2 simple realities that I have to quickly decide upon.

And in that sense I have only one set of shoes but two equally possible and equally reasonable paths to take.

The first path of course is to actually go to grad school. I already took a GRE and I'm still "pliable" as it were for such things. And though I'd hell as not ever decide to go for something as trivial as Creative Writing or Literature... or a language for that matter. Instead no... this one will go for something more "useful?" Is that the right context for this word? Would anything that spans another 2 to 3 years of my life truly be deemed as such? Why yes. I could say that doing as much could be "useful." Ugh and then of course is the issue of funding. How do I fund this expedition into the unknown? School's expensive and TA-ships are neither guaranteed nor are they going to fall in my lap :(. Hell taking loans is gonna be a big step too... And of course since I'm not a Hospitality undergrad nor am I "experienced" in the field I won't be getting preferential treatment for acceptance... Oh the woes.

Alternatively of course is the second path. The career one. Of course this one isn't set in stone either. Getting a career job is like omg godsend at present. It'd be like suddenly having a lifetime worth of presents fall out of the air into my lap and I'd be like YUS MONIES. And that in turn would be like YUS CAREER! But of course thats a god send as well. Still looking for one yes but I'm not going to be so optimistic as to believe that I stand out enough for one to suddenly fall into my lap. I'll keep applying for them. Who knows maybe I'll get one? Yeah that'd be nice. I do have an "in" per se. Hell I know several people who've gotten jobs in the industry, just ask them for tips right? YUS.

And on another note. Basil. Fresh leaves for making Basil Chicken tomorrow. It'll be good I know it.

10/04/11 'Nother Passing

It's been a bleh kinda day in my life. One of many. So instead of being productive... I'm not productive?

Well I got a portion of my clean clothes back from Whit's place so that's a good thing right? Well besides that and making do with what I have. I've thusly worked with very little more than what I have available and wondered thusly even more so as to myself.


Going to have more intense job searching tomorrow. Wish my luck m'hearties.

10/03/11 Again and then some

I got mail for the first time in forever :).

Well more importantly I got a badge from my friend Cooner. Long story short the wooden badge commission I had for Anthro-Con 2011 was either a tad bit defective or I had treated it too harshly :/ Either way it ended up shattering into it's base pieces and the awesome artist that he is, Cooner promised me a replacement and after his backup period it's here :)

Still the same awesome badge as before and significantly sexier looking now.  Well no nothing's changed from this incarnation that wasn't on the past one. BUT! Oh god it smells lovely. Pine maybe? Or is this some other lovely wood type that I'm neither fluent in nor sure of?

Either way it's lovely to finally get mail again :)

Now to figure out what happened to my food network subscriptions and Time magazine... And the rest of my mail. UGH WHERE FOR ART THOU MAIL?

At present I'm sitting on the floor of my friend's room. Drinking re-concentrated lemonade and questioning what I want to do with my life at this point. Get a job or go to school? One negates the other. Yet at the same time, one would greatly help the other. So many things to try for, even more for me to ponder over...

On another note, feeling somewhat sleepy now... *yawn*

10/02/11 What Am I To You?

... So... I had this really nice post originally that suddenly got consumed by the internet and didn't get saved and in my folly I wrote over it... The video below is one of the songs from the most recent Adventure time episode. It's been stuck in my head for a while and is officially my (new) ringtone as well as the top track of my new playlist...

But I'm not so easily deterred by this change of original events of me deleting my past post! Instead I will let it be a sign that I simply need to be more vigilant of my posts and press save once in a god damn while :/

Anyway I've been through a lot today. Been up since 6 and only had what 5+ hours of sleep maybe? A mix of bad dreams and what not have been haunting me up to late. Or rather just last night. And even then saying bad dreams is exceptionally vague as they aren't as bad as I make them seem like. Instead they're just something that's happened and something that's past.

In the stages of mini death I've encountered 2 things. The former being the presence of stamps and the latter being the titanium ring I have on my left ring finger. In each case the  real meaning behind the presence of these items isn't so random as they would first appear. In the context of the dream... At least what I can remember of them. The Stamps were in an ornate tube, a cylinder with white or blue box patterns. I really do wonder what it is about dreams for me. When I'm in them, they have such vivid colors but as I try to think of them again, to imagine them before me, the colors slowly melt away from the stills that my memory has taken.

Stamps. Basic shapes present but no numerals or recognizable script or pictures. What country are they from? I don't really know :/

And then the next subset the ring. It's presented to me shattered in 2 as if instead of the trusty titanium it were made of fragile ceramic. I gazed at the remnants, the pieces held out to me and I was angry. Well no angry isn't the right word. Distraught? Offended? Lost? What of it I don't really know, but either way I was neither happy nor was I truly enjoying the presentation. And in that sense the dream was a revelation to me. The first piece of course being that I realized that for much of my life I doted my parental figures as I wished to achieve some type of welcome in their lives... And then that I was irate with them. The ring is a binder in that sense. A piece of me that's always existed and now is present in such a manner as to be representative of my bond with not only my nerdom but also... also what?

Ugh It's too late and I've typed this same post a second time now it would seem. Just letting the words leave me and enter the page.

So yes luvs, I'll be back for more tomorrow :)

10/01/11 Horror

Horror films and random dinner.