To say the least, I've come a long way from where I was a year ago today. I'm no longer the same depressed highly worried little kid who sat in front of his laptop and typed away as if he's someone pointless.
Instead I'm that not-so-depressed yet equally highly worried big kid who sits in front of his laptop and types away because he knows someone out there is reading. If anything to say the least I have a stable relationship now.
Not only do I realize that, my friends are supportive of him. Unlike the previous guys he's mentally stable. And I'm happy to give him all the love I can. It's not like we don't have rocky moments. Like any relationship, we have our share of those. Yet here we are now, and I'm happy for that. In the end I don't feel like I'm always at war with someone. Instead I'm here. With someone I love. And I know he loves me back the same.
I'm back in Tallahassee. I'm glad to have left that house. I'm happy for my position in life. And I want the world to know.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Saturday Night
My my how time does seem to flow away from me. As I am once again on the floor in what I call my room.
It's muggy again here in Florida and I am home now from what was to be one of the worst yet most interesting trips that I have ever lived to be on. Yellowstone, Arches, Canyonland, Zion and all the other places in between. No more are they here than but a memory caught in the pictures that I have on Facebook.
I'm tired and failing words just tired. I'd go into flourishes about how my head was melting and becoming one with this pillow or the fact that... that...
Oh fudge this I is tired.
It's muggy again here in Florida and I am home now from what was to be one of the worst yet most interesting trips that I have ever lived to be on. Yellowstone, Arches, Canyonland, Zion and all the other places in between. No more are they here than but a memory caught in the pictures that I have on Facebook.
I'm tired and failing words just tired. I'd go into flourishes about how my head was melting and becoming one with this pillow or the fact that... that...
Oh fudge this I is tired.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Blood that summons the Fox Spirit
Yesterday... Well yeah it'd be yesterday now since it's officially midnight here and then some. Can be summed up in a few short sentences.
1. Road.
2. Zion National Park.
3. Stupid me cuts myself.
4. Saw a real fox.
And then I'm here at a Day's Inn in the middle of no where. My technical last day of the trip is tommorow, and I'm more than ready for it to be here. We'll be in SLC and I'm likely to be kidnappeded for some occult ritual that my parents have planned. I don't want to go. But I have no real say in the matter ya know?
Hm. Back to today then. A nice day over all. Nothing too much really. Morning of sitting in the front passenger seat staring out at the desert landscape. My Zune long dead since the Yellowstone days. Why not charge it you say? Because I has no charge cord. For such things fly away from me. :( Gar. I want my random music to head bang to!
And then to Zion National Park.
All I can say is that it was an amazing experience. Absolutely amazing.
I ended up climbing to the top of a not too rugged/steep trail and found a convenient boulder that was overlooking the emerald pools. For the first time in a long while, I was able to close my eyes and hear only the rustling of the wind through the leaves. For a little while at least there were no annoying voices or cars or planes and even the birds and squirrels went silent.
And it was then that I thought again. Freed myself from this earthly casing and let my mind's eye truly grasp the world around me. I was a dynamic part of that structure. A useful leaf on the Tree of All There Is. I felt attuned to nature as the saying would go. And I really enjoyed that feeling. I think these reflective phases really are what I've been seeking in life. What I've been yearning for. And though I must remember that not everything out there is what I want it to be, each day is a day worth living because of what it can be. My friends are but the contacts I have to appreciate and use to see that world.
And in other news, I gashed my thumb open with a pocket knife while cutting a leaf from one of the trees. Karma's a bitch could be easily said about the whole situation, but my non-religious/yet spiritual self thought about it and as I dripped my blood down a good quarter of the trail, I was thankful the cut wasn't deeper.
At the end of the trail, I was rewarded with something interesting... A wild fox crossed my path, looked at me and then scurried into the underbrush. I grabbed a pic of him before he left.. A small snapshot of the spirits crossing paths with me again.
The cut's long stopped bleeding and as I look at it, it's just a small scar now. I can run my hand over it and feel the little ridge that the blood seeped out from. I can gaze at it and realize that yeppers it's healing. It's the middle of the night here of course. Nearly 2 in the morning of a not so important day. I've got plans to make, batteries to charge and a strong dedication for tomorrow's meaning.
I'll drink to that.
1. Road.
2. Zion National Park.
3. Stupid me cuts myself.
4. Saw a real fox.
And then I'm here at a Day's Inn in the middle of no where. My technical last day of the trip is tommorow, and I'm more than ready for it to be here. We'll be in SLC and I'm likely to be kidnappeded for some occult ritual that my parents have planned. I don't want to go. But I have no real say in the matter ya know?
Hm. Back to today then. A nice day over all. Nothing too much really. Morning of sitting in the front passenger seat staring out at the desert landscape. My Zune long dead since the Yellowstone days. Why not charge it you say? Because I has no charge cord. For such things fly away from me. :( Gar. I want my random music to head bang to!
And then to Zion National Park.
All I can say is that it was an amazing experience. Absolutely amazing.
I ended up climbing to the top of a not too rugged/steep trail and found a convenient boulder that was overlooking the emerald pools. For the first time in a long while, I was able to close my eyes and hear only the rustling of the wind through the leaves. For a little while at least there were no annoying voices or cars or planes and even the birds and squirrels went silent.
And it was then that I thought again. Freed myself from this earthly casing and let my mind's eye truly grasp the world around me. I was a dynamic part of that structure. A useful leaf on the Tree of All There Is. I felt attuned to nature as the saying would go. And I really enjoyed that feeling. I think these reflective phases really are what I've been seeking in life. What I've been yearning for. And though I must remember that not everything out there is what I want it to be, each day is a day worth living because of what it can be. My friends are but the contacts I have to appreciate and use to see that world.
And in other news, I gashed my thumb open with a pocket knife while cutting a leaf from one of the trees. Karma's a bitch could be easily said about the whole situation, but my non-religious/yet spiritual self thought about it and as I dripped my blood down a good quarter of the trail, I was thankful the cut wasn't deeper.
At the end of the trail, I was rewarded with something interesting... A wild fox crossed my path, looked at me and then scurried into the underbrush. I grabbed a pic of him before he left.. A small snapshot of the spirits crossing paths with me again.
The cut's long stopped bleeding and as I look at it, it's just a small scar now. I can run my hand over it and feel the little ridge that the blood seeped out from. I can gaze at it and realize that yeppers it's healing. It's the middle of the night here of course. Nearly 2 in the morning of a not so important day. I've got plans to make, batteries to charge and a strong dedication for tomorrow's meaning.
I'll drink to that.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday Again
On a mountain far away, find my heart and find my soul. In a land near yet far, love me plenty, see me soar.
Yeppers that's my status update on both of my facebooks up to late... And twitter. Which may in part be why I'm so out of it. I guess it's really how I'm feeling up to this point about the whole ordeal of the trip that I'm on. It's Thursday morning and I'm typing this post from a a lovely Holiday Inn Express. It's clean, warm and reminds me of something that truly feels like home.
I'm really not sure whats going on within myself. I'm not really the same person. I won't necessarily say that it's this trip that's done it to me. Why yes the environment is different. And undoubtedly being taken to the desert and other places has given me not only a certain different state of mind but in general how I feel.
Well I guess the main thing that's come to mind is that I realized that an old friend of mine is in a relationship... Which of course shouldn't bother me at all since we were never more than friends. Well yeah I liked him sometime ago, but passing crushes and what not happen all the time. I met him about a year ago actually. A chance encounter on Facebook that became more. We talked and what not semi-regularly, and then life happened. We drifted and what not and here we are on today's page.
He's dating the girl that I had a feeling he would. I wasn't surprised at all about that much, the fact that he's now bi is a bit more startling but still nothing special. Oh yeah I should probably put in here somewhere that he's in a poly-am relationship with a guy I don't know and this girl. I guess it's the fact that I've drifted so far away from him that's really what's shocking to me. Something's stirring inside of me that I really can't explain. Jealousy? Regret? Betrayal? After exploring all of them, my chest still mildly aches but I don't have an explanation that's remotely close to what I've been seeking. I had originally thought that at least being able to write things out would help.
At this point in my post I would began ranting again about how much I hate being on this trip. But at this point I'm Ok. I've come to terms with my self and the fact that my parents are attempting something that won't work out. I've got 2 more days on the road and I'm gone. Just a blur of nothing, right? The endless roads out here are special. It's the contrast of the red dirt against the ground and then the depth of the world around them. It's the fact that I'm expecting a sand dune desert and am getting swarmed by this shrub land that's messing with me. Or maybe it's the shear number of small desert rodents that I'm interested in.
Meh.
Meh.
Meh.
That's a good way of saying things right? Yeah now it is :)
I'm being unstable again. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I'm just a a little someone right now. A sparkle of a ghost against the cosmos behind me.
I need time with the BF I guess. Just a little time with him. 3 days without internet and cell reception seems to have done this with me. A single weekend would be amazing. Just a bit of time with him. Being able to hold him against me right now. If you've never known the feel of someone else's love holding onto you... I don't really know. But I do want to be with him. September. Which should be next month, a time when I can be closer to him. I'll have to find a job and money, a flight, a hotel and monies :P. Yes double monies. Oh the harsh realities of a long-distance relationship and how it strains me just a little bit every day and every day more makes me wish for my special someone to be closer.
Well I can make that happen. Very soon. I have a chance to apply to Rider. And if I do get into Rider. Well... What then? Would I give up everything I have here to move forward to be with someone I love? Or would I not let such a thing happen? If I did then I'd feel as if I'd failed my boyfriend. But then who's life would I be had?
I don't know. I'm scared. I don't deny it.
But this is who I've been and always will be. Never afraid of moving forward, but when I look down, I'm scared. Like climbing the cliff. I'm afraid of falling but I move forward as a challenge to myself. It is only when I let myself look down, that I see the height to which I've climbed and truly begin to fear. That all consuming fear that shakes my body and causes me to struggle within myself as to my next decision. It is then that I'm truly afraid.
And now I want to move forward again. Give me your hand Fen and show me the path forward.
Yeppers that's my status update on both of my facebooks up to late... And twitter. Which may in part be why I'm so out of it. I guess it's really how I'm feeling up to this point about the whole ordeal of the trip that I'm on. It's Thursday morning and I'm typing this post from a a lovely Holiday Inn Express. It's clean, warm and reminds me of something that truly feels like home.
I'm really not sure whats going on within myself. I'm not really the same person. I won't necessarily say that it's this trip that's done it to me. Why yes the environment is different. And undoubtedly being taken to the desert and other places has given me not only a certain different state of mind but in general how I feel.
Well I guess the main thing that's come to mind is that I realized that an old friend of mine is in a relationship... Which of course shouldn't bother me at all since we were never more than friends. Well yeah I liked him sometime ago, but passing crushes and what not happen all the time. I met him about a year ago actually. A chance encounter on Facebook that became more. We talked and what not semi-regularly, and then life happened. We drifted and what not and here we are on today's page.
He's dating the girl that I had a feeling he would. I wasn't surprised at all about that much, the fact that he's now bi is a bit more startling but still nothing special. Oh yeah I should probably put in here somewhere that he's in a poly-am relationship with a guy I don't know and this girl. I guess it's the fact that I've drifted so far away from him that's really what's shocking to me. Something's stirring inside of me that I really can't explain. Jealousy? Regret? Betrayal? After exploring all of them, my chest still mildly aches but I don't have an explanation that's remotely close to what I've been seeking. I had originally thought that at least being able to write things out would help.
At this point in my post I would began ranting again about how much I hate being on this trip. But at this point I'm Ok. I've come to terms with my self and the fact that my parents are attempting something that won't work out. I've got 2 more days on the road and I'm gone. Just a blur of nothing, right? The endless roads out here are special. It's the contrast of the red dirt against the ground and then the depth of the world around them. It's the fact that I'm expecting a sand dune desert and am getting swarmed by this shrub land that's messing with me. Or maybe it's the shear number of small desert rodents that I'm interested in.
Meh.
Meh.
Meh.
That's a good way of saying things right? Yeah now it is :)
I'm being unstable again. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I'm just a a little someone right now. A sparkle of a ghost against the cosmos behind me.
I need time with the BF I guess. Just a little time with him. 3 days without internet and cell reception seems to have done this with me. A single weekend would be amazing. Just a bit of time with him. Being able to hold him against me right now. If you've never known the feel of someone else's love holding onto you... I don't really know. But I do want to be with him. September. Which should be next month, a time when I can be closer to him. I'll have to find a job and money, a flight, a hotel and monies :P. Yes double monies. Oh the harsh realities of a long-distance relationship and how it strains me just a little bit every day and every day more makes me wish for my special someone to be closer.
Well I can make that happen. Very soon. I have a chance to apply to Rider. And if I do get into Rider. Well... What then? Would I give up everything I have here to move forward to be with someone I love? Or would I not let such a thing happen? If I did then I'd feel as if I'd failed my boyfriend. But then who's life would I be had?
I don't know. I'm scared. I don't deny it.
But this is who I've been and always will be. Never afraid of moving forward, but when I look down, I'm scared. Like climbing the cliff. I'm afraid of falling but I move forward as a challenge to myself. It is only when I let myself look down, that I see the height to which I've climbed and truly begin to fear. That all consuming fear that shakes my body and causes me to struggle within myself as to my next decision. It is then that I'm truly afraid.
And now I want to move forward again. Give me your hand Fen and show me the path forward.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Yellowstone - The Prequel
Hoping for the best.
It’s a bit late for the start of a journal of this nature, but time is a luxury in this day and age. Breakfast would be mine it would seem. It’s day two of my trip and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere. Well not really, but that’s what I’d like to call this hole in the middle of the road more colloquially known as Yellowstone. It’s a petite place of strangers from every nation (though from the languages that I’ve thus far spoken with/heard/eavesdropped on I’ve come to the conclusion that a good percentage of them are from China or Europe. Or if not from these places directly, then they are the descendants from these places. I don’t really mind all that much of course, but there are plenty of things about this trip that have yet irked me to no end.
Let’s see where to start… How about the beginning of the trip Thursday morning? Oh yeah I got my luggage stolen before I even got to security. Some douchebag and his wife grabbed my carryon and sprinted off the shuttle service before I had a chance to be pissed off. At first I was under the impression that the bag that it had been replaced with was owned by some foreign terror agent since the bag was unnaturally light. But luckily it was just full of smokes and light clothing. Add roughly 45 mins to an hour to when I arrived at the airport and you’ll realize when I got to security. Why? Because the shuttle service and I flew around the airport in an attempt to find my bag. All I get is a rough “sorry for the inconvenience” from the guy and then I had to rush on. Now I did get my bag back so why am I irked about this? Let’s see the following…
1. We attempted to ask the Southwest people for help because the shuttle service guy had remembered that they had gotten off at that exit. The attendants basically told me “You’re shit out of luck.” You’d think an airline company would think more about potential customers losing their luggage than the shit that I got from this guy. Not only is it a security hazard but that’s just bad customer service.
2. How the hell do you mistaken your bag for someone elses? L I left a blue circle of tape on mine bag’s handles for the express reason of making sure it would be easily recognizable… RUDENESS
3. Parents. SO my mom exploded on me for not searching my bag for bombs or other things. (Which I did even before she showed up from the restroom or wherever she was). Let’s see how this could have been different. 1. If you’ve been waiting with my bag for the past 20 minutes, why can’t you check? 2. Do you seriously think a traveler like myself would seriously allow his bag to be tampered with by a 3rd party without checking to see if anything had been changed/moved/added? 3. Why can’t you call security and let them do it then. It’d be peace of mind on all sides.
The flight itself was probably a big sign that I shouldn’t have come on this trip. Besides the extremely stuffed nature of the flight and the fact that the old lady in front of me kept shifting her seat every 5 minutes we were delayed on the runway for 45 minutes because one of the lights in the cabin wasn’t functional. It was then decided that DL 0303 should return to the gate because mechanics needed to be called in to check on something. Add an hour to that it is noted that our flight was further delayed because ground crew mechanics were needed to manually test the engines. No I’m not pleased. No I’m not happy. And further more I don’t feel safe on this flight.
I’ve got to get going for now, I’ll type more as I get the chance to.
*hugs* and *kisses* to my loves. And if you’re on my list of people who deserve a gift note me with what you’d like.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It's actually the evening after my graduation now... And not surprisingly I'm home. Not happy about the whole matter, but still I'll live.
Yesterday I got called Harry Potter. Why? Oh FSU's school colors are garnet and gold... Which ironically enough are very very similar to those of House Gryphondor.
And so as I walked across that stage yesterday. The first thing that came to mind is that I and everyone else surrounding me are wizards. Yes Wizards. Like the kind that shout Lumos! and whip out their wands at a moment's notice. But as I consider the whole. I'm not a wizard. I'm just a regular kinda guy. One who finally got his diploma.
Well technically I haven't (but that's another story).
ANYWAY! I'm home now. Home being Saint Augustine and it's nothing special. I can't do anything without my mom nagging me and the BF is still somewhat MIA so we haven't even had time to properly chat :( And so I'm just alive. Yeppers that's a good summary of what's going on right now.
I don't want to be here right now. But I'm here for 3 days. 3 days and I'm stuck on a road trip to Orlando and then to Salt Lake City :( UGHHHGHHGHHGHHGh (obviously not looking forward to it).
I love my bf though and I want to be with them.
Yesterday I got called Harry Potter. Why? Oh FSU's school colors are garnet and gold... Which ironically enough are very very similar to those of House Gryphondor.
And so as I walked across that stage yesterday. The first thing that came to mind is that I and everyone else surrounding me are wizards. Yes Wizards. Like the kind that shout Lumos! and whip out their wands at a moment's notice. But as I consider the whole. I'm not a wizard. I'm just a regular kinda guy. One who finally got his diploma.
Well technically I haven't (but that's another story).
ANYWAY! I'm home now. Home being Saint Augustine and it's nothing special. I can't do anything without my mom nagging me and the BF is still somewhat MIA so we haven't even had time to properly chat :( And so I'm just alive. Yeppers that's a good summary of what's going on right now.
I don't want to be here right now. But I'm here for 3 days. 3 days and I'm stuck on a road trip to Orlando and then to Salt Lake City :( UGHHHGHHGHHGHHGh (obviously not looking forward to it).
I love my bf though and I want to be with them.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Last Day
This morning is the 5th of August. I'm once again behind on anything I had originally planned to do and yet again, even to this point procrastinating. And so, I'm at the front desk of Landis writing this entry.
Yesterday the 4th of August I had a judicial hearing. Nothing exciting, just spoke my point and attempted to clarify that I'm not a psycho who's after people.
I'll get around to typing some more when I'm awake.
Yesterday the 4th of August I had a judicial hearing. Nothing exciting, just spoke my point and attempted to clarify that I'm not a psycho who's after people.
I'll get around to typing some more when I'm awake.
Monday, August 1, 2011
August
It's been a year already. This month would have officially marked when I started my Senior semester last year.
I'm a year older, and a year stronger and most importantly I'm a year wiser. My college career is finally winding down to the last days before graduation and as I sit here pondering what to do next, I am once again in realization that I am temporarily at ease.
Tommorow is another day. Undoubtedly it will have it's share of stressors and other issues that I'd rather not have to deal with. But I'm a good and at least experienced in many fields by now.
I'm a year older, and a year stronger and most importantly I'm a year wiser. My college career is finally winding down to the last days before graduation and as I sit here pondering what to do next, I am once again in realization that I am temporarily at ease.
Tommorow is another day. Undoubtedly it will have it's share of stressors and other issues that I'd rather not have to deal with. But I'm a good and at least experienced in many fields by now.
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