06/30/12 My family is made of bigots.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. described bigotry in the following quotation: "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract."

More or less this is a great way of thinking of the family I was raised in.


It's funny actually I'm going to type this huge dissertation of what's on my mind and the parents will likely stumble on this and they'll filter it out and call me a good for nothing, and any other number of words that are either rude, hurtful or generally mean spirited. After which they'll tell me that I should have killed myself because I'm too much of an embarrasment to them. And if they don't say it outright, they're thinking it.

But then again. That doesn't stop me from living. If I must live out of spite alone, that too is a reason to live.

But I'm not living out of spite. I live because I have a purpose. I'm going to be happy. I refuse to let them cause me to feel any other way. Well Ok, to be honest I haven't given a damn about anything they've said for what the past few years now?

I've long come to accept that they're such low self-esteemed people who only know how to bring down other people. And that they can only exist because they can't/won't admit their own inadequacies.

So let's break down everyone in this family.

I'll start with myself. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. But I have within me the gift of dreams. Well my rogue-ish charm doesn't hurt. Able to get on just about anyone's good side or bad side, I know what I have and I know how to use it.

I've achieved a lot in this life time. I've fallen in love, learned to forgive someone who's hurt me, brought happiness into someone's life. Hell I've stopped a person from killing themselves by being their for them. And no one can take that away from me.

There is a saying that it is through self-realization and empowerment that one can truly uplift themselves. I realize that I have not attained my dream. And I will strive for that path every day.

___

Oh look I just got called a worthless thing that doesn't get to be called a human; a pig is better than me. Why? The pin on the edger fell out while I was working. Yep. This is my life.

I have no sympathy for these people. The person I call my father will die alone. If he chooses to push everyone away; they'll eventually see the light and leave him to his own demise.

It's funny really. I don't respect either of my parents. Should I? Probably. "It's the Asian thing to do."

Is it? My Mom won't stand up for herself. She tells me I'll never achieve anything and when I do, she makes up accusations to prover her point. It's funny. She claims even to have friends. She doesn't.

Oh I was talking about standing up for herself wasn't I? She never learned how to obviously. Hell my father beat her a few times and she comes back begging like some damn dog. She'll never learn I suspect. Hell a dog will run away from it's owner if it's abused enough. Not her though.

You don't believe me? I've got a lovely story for you then. I have a memory. One evening a year or 2 ago. "Come down stairs and make sure these marks aren't noticeable." WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Oh that's right. Domestic violence. Any decent person would have gone to the police and gotten that person who beat them to this point arrested. Not my family :) They're so stupid that they can't even see what's wrong.

Yeah she's still with him. You know the kind of people that allow themselves to stay in an abusive relationship? I'll stereotype them but crackwhores. Yep. Emotionally dependent to the point of stupidity.

___

Am I being too mean for reality and society to tolerate. I'm only speaking the truth. If anyone would say otherwise, let them prove that I am a liar first.

06/29/12 Emotionally Meh

So I was trying to cheer up a friend of mine. (He went through a bad breakup and is a bit down atm). And I came to realize something. Individuals have the power to shape how the world feels around them. No seriously I took that long to figure out this small thing.

Our mental status allows us the power to think and contemplate and as much as I don't necessarily think otherwise, I can't help but wonder if my positive outlook won't be enough to shape things here too.

06/28/12 Four Square

So yeah. This morning as I was dropping off my younger brother at his swimming practice. I checked into 4square as he was getting out of the car.

And then it was like. You've been with us for a year!

God damn it... Has it really been a year already? If that's true it means that a year ago I was probably at Hartsfield-Jackson and got bored waiting for my flight back to Tally. And suddenly a lightbulb pops over my head and I'm like YUS I WILL DOWNLOAD THIS APP.

As for why I was in Atlanta, I would have been flying home from a trip to Pittsburgh to visit the boyfriend at that time.

Ah well.

Anyway home now. Still trying to decide on which place to get.

06/27/12 Social Acceptability

It's a start to think of things in one manner as opposed to others.

Take x for example. Add y.

Then remove from the equation anything related to 3 times the coefficient of x.

In which case the resulting lingo is likely to be nothing more than you could want.

Also I'm going to start doing reviews again. I'm a writer by default. It's what I do.

06/26/12 674

674 is my ranking right now. Out of almost 60k. So I suspect it's not THAT bad.

Which is to say I'm pissed off I'm not higher. And I'll keep working at it undoubtedly.

That being said, it is quite the accomplishment to have gotten this far even :)

And in case you were wondering. Yes this is about the new Magic the Gathering that's on Steam.

06/25/12 Monday

It's raining outside.

And all I can think of is the fact that the fire ants are drowning. And I am happy because of this.

Because seriously. Fuck fire ants. (the imported variant that is thriving in everywhere down South).

No seriously those little buggahs can drown and drown and die some more. I don't like them. And they don't deserve to be alive right now. and so as they drown, I am happy.

06/24/12 Thoughts.

So yes. I haven't written in a while. And by write, I mean really write. Instead of the normal 2 paragraphs and then seemingly vanish.

I'm well aware that I've been lacking in the writing department up to late.

And yes I'm also aware that the point of daily journal/diary/blog entry/etc. is to have a basis by which I can work with as a memory log.

Something that I can tap and then move forwards.

A blank canvas that I'll not be able to edit. But that holds something more than I had originally hoped for.

That is what I crave and want in life. Or is it.

I'll admit that much like some of my tweets up to late, the stuff I end up writing down is a mix of the random thought processes that have fired off within my mind. Without any real guidance they come out as jumbled mixtures of words and characters (and if could find a way to translate them, images too)

Because I don't think like most of my friends (at least I presume I don't). Instead I am what I am and the words that I end up saying are my own.

06/23/12 Trip To Tally

Went to Tally to pick up some of my boxes of stuff.

It was an exciting drive. $40 of gas later. Hail sized drops of rain that fell from the sky like diabolical bullets. And then I got my stuff... The fan that I had liberally soaked in mint oil, my favorite body pillow, an assortment of other stuff and my laundry basket.

Oh there's also that random painting I commissioned an irl friend to do. It came out... interesting.

06/22/12 Fly away

So tomorrow as in like 7 or 8 hours from now; I get to drive my ass a long long way away. Because I need to :/

Or rather Tallahassee is only 2 hours away.

But I have finally brought it upon myself to go back to that place far far away to pick up the remainder of my things that I have neglected for nearly 6 months.

Free from their constraints, each piece of what I have will tap my soul ever so slightly as I resonate with them.

My stuffed animals are among the things I left behind. As is my laptop heat dock, a copy of Dinotopia and a few sparse memories I'm not sure I want to resurrect. I should  though.

06/21/12 Summer Solstice

It's the longest day of Summer isn't it? And that means every other day of the year will be progressively shorter...

Hm.

Ah well. In other news got the new MTG set. Red and White are presently my favorite colors to work with. Blue could get up there if only it wasn't so slow to start up.

Jace's deck works well in it's own capacity and in theory could destroy Nicol Bolas on the technicality of deck elimination.

I'll have to look into it some more.

06/20/12 Burns.

Habanero, Scotch-Bonnets and Red Chilies. Each variant burns at it's own scoville rating and each has gotten on my hands at some point today.

I made a lovely meat based sauce to go with a batch of noodles. And I must say. 'twas divine.

In other news. I now start apartment hunting. And I have to visit Tally this weekend to pick up my few things I left there. Wasn't much on the way of stuff but still things that need to be reorganized and moved with me to Gainesville.

06/19/12 Happy

I got hired. Need I say more?


It's happy time in this one's mind.

:)

06/18/12 Green

I was thinking of making a batch of caldo verde. It was random I admit but I think it'd be quite delicious if properly made.

The delicate flavor of the kale or other greens simmered in a rich and hearty stock. *mouthwatering*

But yeah. Hungry for such things. Don't really know why. It's probably because I was browsing recipes online and this one popped out to me. And as I gazed through the ingredients list. Not only did I realize that I could have easily made it in my spare time... But it looks fucking delicious.

And mentally as I'm cooking it within my mind, I can't help but think that this would probably turn out to be a delicious recipe...

Thus in the future when I get a chance. I'm going to buy another giant bunch of collard greens from the lady from Cameroon and make a batch. It should be tasty :)

06/17/12 Fallout

So yeah.

Suffering fallout from the party I went to yesterday. Screw the family for thinking I'd rather spend time with them over people who have my back.

Hm... Yeah that's about it. I don't have a car anymore. And there seems to be some kind of grit in my teeth. Is life I suppose.

The convention that I couldn't make it to is over and instead of viewing pictures/posting pictures as I would otherwise have done I get to ponder on what I missed out on. A lot I suppose. Fun times with some good friends definitely.  But I have hope for next year.

06/16/12 ACLC

On phone atm. You know by now I hate typing like this. Driving home shortly. Have a good night. Ah and in case you were wondering, I was at a Housewarming party. Hectic and random people. But that home made pizza was delicious.

06/15/12 I subsist on souls.

They are most delicious. And I needn't even physically consume them, simply being in their presence will offer me their nutrients.

06/14/12 Spore

So I got myself a copy of Spore yesterday (it was like $5 and I needed something to help get over the fact that I wasn't at AC).

Anyway. Spore is amazing :)

Game's features are lovely, movement is very streamlined and the endless possibilities for characters and players alike!

And while I will admit that I've already forgotten both my species' names as well as the names of my my planet, the structures or anything else for that matter; I can't help but think that I'm doing a fine job as is :)

 

06/13/12 Wrath of the Mind

What is the mind can be.

Be and that will be.

06/12/12 Sadness

Sadness is an emotion like any other.

It represents the absence where joy and elation are it's counter.

And while in the darkness of a solitude, one could consider themselves "sad." In reality this is only a temporal state of mind.

Sadness can be caused by any number of things. And while the most basic reason of thought process that binds to this particular specimen can be thought of as the basis of something illogical; it should be noted that humans are inherently illogical.

Am I rambling again? I do appologize. Such thought processes are cyclical in nature within my mind. And the madness that comes from them is at times most unsuitable for my personality and general demeanor.

Which is of course to say that while I usually hope to end such meaningless ideals with proper planning and what not else; I can't hope to garner any such meaning. But that being said; I can only hope that with every passing day, my mind is able to wrap itself around the fact that things happen, people change and that given the circumstances; I'm doing really quite well.

06/11/12 Offset by value of 3

Sleep is a necessary mini-restart button for most people. Acting as a means of calming the dark ghost within the heart and likewise the mind, even a small quotient of it is practical.

It's been a week now just about since my birthday. And it still hurts to consider the few people I really care about didn't bother wishing me a happy birthday. Yes I'm having hard time getting over it. It hurts. shouldn't it?

That and I'm not totally awake right now. My mind is definitely not in this present station. I'm up talking to a female friend of mine. She's on the west coast so in order for our times to synch I have to get on a bit later (not really much later) to compensate for the 3 hour time shift. And for this evening I decided I'd take a nap till 11 and then hastily blog while IM her on Skype.

And that should have worked perfectly. Except my mind mentally shut off the first alarm and I had a hard time maneuvering to the computer for the second one. And I'm mildly unsettled at the moment because of playing zombie games and in my mind if I go outside to refill my water, I'm likely to be attacked by zombies in much the same fashion as in Dead Island.

Power of mental overcapacitization, no?

06/10/12 Collard Greens.

So I was at the market today. The Farmers one.

And I found some amazingly luscious collard greens. 5 huge stalks of the lovely vege. And it only cost me $3. What a deal :)

Anyway after coming home, I stripped a few of the leaves and just decided to taste one of them to gauge what the whole would be like. A herbal bitterness, not too strong. An aftertaste of something peppery. And throughout something underlyingly sweet.

Anyway I followed traditional Southern cuisine guidelines and made a delicious stewed collard green special with it. BACON. SUCH DELICIOUS BACON!

:p

Yus bacon. That quintessential ingredient. So amazing. So delicious. And the perfect blend of fat and salt to make most any dish more awesome.

In this case the herbal bitterness I previously mentioned is calmed by the sea salt I splashed in and works exceedingly well with the rich fattiness of the bacon. The only thing more appropriate I suspect would have been using fat salt pork. And if I had some simply lying around I would have definitely tried to use it...

Ah well meal was good. And still have 3 large stalks to cook up later this week. We'll see how I decide to make them.

06/09/12 Sleepy

I have no clue why I'm so sleepy. I shouldn't be this bad. Because seriously I slept well last night. My troubles are lessening and I have hope for the morrow.

I also haven't eaten anything excessively fatty or anything else that normally makes me feel this drowsy...

On a totally unrelated note I discovered my katana again :) It's a lovely blade even if it's unbalanced and there's a 1 degree curvature to it. Not to mention the hilt guard is slightly scuffed. And I have no means of really sharpening it nor would I desire to.

But yeah dug her out of my closet. Lovely specimen and having it near by makes me feel safer. I guess I'm just a nut like that.

Lunch was tasty. Made Baozhi again. Using the filling from yesterday's wontons. Delicious homegrown celery will do that. Tasty stuff good sirs and gentle madams.

06/08/12 Mirto

Today's been interesting. Long and long. But nonetheless interesting.

And so I end it with a swig of creme de menthe.

Yes I know how to do the accents over the e's but I'm being lazy atm so I'm not doing them.

I've long since realized that I have a thing for mint. Be it in liquid or solid form.

(As for why this is relevant/ it isn't)

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. Tomorrow is going to be a long long day. Volunteer work and other stuff.

06/07/12 Lamb

I LOVE Lamb kebobs...

And cumin. Just saying.

06/06/12 back

Note that the lowercase first letter in the title is intentional.

So yes I realize my posts up to late have been uncharacteristically short and not in my relegated style.

And for that I do apologize. For I did hope to write more but things always had a nasty habit of coming up and biting me in the ass. And I hate it for doing so.

Anyway. As you may have been able to garner; yesterday was my birthday. And due to various things it went pretty well.

Sadly I had no one in real life to hang out with and so by the end of the day I had taken it as a sad sign and slumped off to bed nursing a bottle of Cavit Moscato.

The 2010 vintage is lacking compared to the 2009 vintage. While it still has a lovely characteristic sweetness and mild effervescence. This batch lacks the crisp bite that I am craving. That sensation of crunching into an apple that I had experienced when I first tried this wine over a year ago... I miss that.


Ah well.


Anyway it's the day after my birthday and into the night as well. I got soaked in the downpour outside and only recently have I dried off to any capacity.

06/05/12 Birthday Wishes

On this day 23 years ago I was born.

And I've lived since. For better or worse. Mostly better; sometimes worse.

06/04/12 'Twas

'Twas the day before my birthday.

And I was not home.

For "Fuck It!" I said. And left with a "harrumph."

To old Gainesville I traveled all through the day.

:/ Why am I attempting a lyrical format? It doesn't suit my writing style at all. And that's not to mention the fact that the majority of my readers are bots so they wouldn't garner any interest in my writing style to begin with.

Hm...

Ah well today I spent much of my day in Gainesville. I was in the company of a good friend of mine who enjoys my company and he bought me lunch. This simple gesture means a lot to me.

For you see. None of my friend have gotten me a birthday gift in 4 years now. And this guy... We only met 2 months ago.

I guess you could say we connected well. That conversing with each other I was able to understand him.

I'll have circled the sun 23 times as of tomorrow. 23 times the world has revolved around a star in the center of our solar system.

And I have learned oh so much in this abysmally short existence. And there is so much more that I could possibly learn; so much that I could reach out and touch. So much that I could become a part of. I don't think I have much to lose at this point. All the people who've forsaken me in the past are no longer part of my present existence. They're memories that I've simply let go of or will soon be able to let go of.

Am I mistaken? Have I lost my way? Is the purpose and plan by which I mean to live my life but a lonely, lost meaning? No. I'm hurt yes. That's a undeniable fact. But hey; we're all hurt sometime in our lives. At least once in our existences, our hearts will touch against another's and in turn we'll feel the pain of them walking through us; ripping away a piece of our being.

There is no denying that.

06/03/12: Let Me Tell You A Secret

Secrets are phrases and thoughts that are at times best deep within the memory scheme.

That is to say; Whatever you think of it.

However in each scheme of mind, the telltale thought processes that are left behind may instead teach you something that you had previously suppressed.

All of this of course comes from my mental predicament. I'll figure it out. 

06/02/12 Volunteer More

I signed up for various volunteering opportunities today. And as it would seem; it was much less practical than I had originally hoped.

Because seriously one of the places I applied for :/ They're charging me for the interview. I won't give details on the specific location but still; this is uncalled for bs.

No seriously. I'm willing to give you my time as an individual to help YOU out. I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart (and because it's for a cause I can stand behind.) The interview I can understand because even a non-profit must have standards. Paying for the interview on the other hand is a different story.

Ah well there are other places I'm willing to go.

I think instead the National Park Service will enjoy my company. I plan to volunteer with them via their Castillo de San Marcos in the near future.

All I have to do is fill out all of this paperwork and then some other stuff; but that's nothing to matter and I don't mind paperwork. Filling is just a fact of life and the other stuff just as likely.

__

06/01/12 A Monkey Wrench in my Plans.

I plan.

I fucking plan a lot.

And I HATE IT when people fuck with my plans.

Even if it's for the better.

Which it rarely is.

My plans for traveling are being royally fucked at the moment. But the reason may be better than I had originally hoped.

Or worse.

I'm not OCD about planning. But I do put a lot of time and effort into working these situations from various angles until the pieces fall together.