12/31/12 Eve

Its New Years Eve this lovely night. And yours truly sits at his cubicle. He types away via a touch screen and contemplates many things. I'll do lots of things this year.

Its been an eventful year. I've grown a lot. And in my heart I know that I'm a greater person.

Heres to the New Year. May I find someone to love, someone to hold. Someone to call my own.

11/09/2012 Relaxation.

For me relaxation is simply going to bed and not waking up before my alarm. Feeling refreshed. Renewed and ready to wave my hands as if I'm a mad man.

That being said; my hair is a mess and if I want dinner, I have to leave NOW.

11/08/12 I ask myself

I ask myself: "What do you search for?"

To which my mind states: "Tranquility, Passion, Romance."

Therein, I pondered loudly: "What drives you forward?"

To which my heart beats: "Finding someone to share your purpose with."

Soon after, I delegated the question of: "Where will it all end?"

To which my soul whispered: "In the grave."


Sobering and morbid as the answers I received would be, I pondered them as any sage would his being. I sat there face in palms enjoying the sounds of the tesla coil in the background. The cat meowed his contempt at his food bowl being empty and I stared at the canister of compressed air considering why people would purposefully sniff it.

I suppose it's my ability to bounce on tangents that infuriates people the most. But then I ask them. Why should I have to follow what you wish?

11/07/2012 The Best Things

Come to those who wait. Or maybe they don't come at all.

I for one will need to stop yearning for things that are clearly out of my mark. That being said, I'm wiser still for having lived yet another day.

11/06/2012 Retrive Initiate

So I've been gone for a little while haven't I? Yes. Yes I have been gone for a little while.

But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about writing. I don't honestly know why I lapsed so hardcore these last few weeks. So much has been on my mind, so much I've wanted to say. And where better to leave a marker than on the internets where any and all can have access should they choose? That being said. Maybe there's something else at play at this moment.

When's the last time you knew me to be awake at this hour? Never? Correct.

I've been occupied with shit obviously.

Things ranging from an ex to a hurricane and then the lack of sleep said hurricane produced. Lovely stuff hm?

Made some friends, lost a few too and in a horrible horrible way, I'm milking my general ego as I sit back and realize that there are people out there who want me.

09/10+11/12

Note that the sequence of 9, 10, 11 and 12 given in the date line for this post was not an intentional part of my madness so much as sheer coincidence of the fact that derived itself after I noted as much. That being said. Many things must come together in the next few days in order for my sanity to hold.

Work has been good up to late. And for that I am most greatful.

09/07,08,09/12 Extended

Haven't been getting the proper amount of sleep and as such these posts aren't as straight forward as they could otherwise be. I guess I should just type more, eh?

09/06/12 Payday

First paycheck since I've gotten out of training. Less overtime on it than I wished. And I'm not too crazy about that but hey it's a start of something beautiful.

09/05/12 Cough Cough

Cough Cough Cough....


HACKING COUGH. TEARING UP. Gasp for air.

Cough. Cough. Cough.

09/04/12 Kitten Colds

My kitten had a cold or some type of respiratory disorder when I adopted him.

Long story short. I came down with something similar :/

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT!

Nasari must have infected me with this virus as a means of testing to see if I'm worthy of being his owner!

09/03/12 Power of Dreams

How interesting that I would dream of facebook. Specifically of someone from my past that I cared about? I don't know...

09/02/12 Rest

Real Rest in it's purest form is sleep. And for me that's not listening to this damn club music outside :/

Going to work with Rakevia this weekend. Going to have fun though.

09/01/12 Start of a Month

So it's the start of September and I'm living again.

46 hours of overtime? Yus I'm crazy...

08/29,30,31/12 So Yeah

Overtime is killing me. And I mean I am dying right now...

Slowly. Surely. And it's stopping me from having any real form of entertainment as well.

But I do have bills to pay and so if nothing else this coming paycheck will smooth over many of the issues that keep popping in mind.

And then I do need rest... And a hot shower... But yeah Saturday can't come soon enough. That day off will be beautiful...

08/28/12 Madness I tell you!

The lack of sleep in things. That is a good thing to note and at the same a sad thing to note.

The paycheck is going to be godly but at what cost?

08/27/12 Alarms

So I set 3 alarms so that I wouldn't be late waking up. Rushing now to get dressed so I make it back to work for another 8 hours of FUN! WHOOOT

Shoot me or offer me some Caffeeine but get in line. I have to get ready first.

08/26/12 Over Time.

Working extra hours to make that money for the Kitten and me.

08/25/12 Rest

What is this? An actual post? THE SKIES HAVE INVERTED FROM THEIR HEAVENLY REST.

But no, I'm awake and it's just before the time I have deemed reasonable to get my butt off to work.


Let's see... It's Saturday afternoon here in Florida and yours truly is not feeling at his A game. He had a nasty bout of illness from something or another. Likely a result of eating pizza + a whole bunch of other stuff together.

I woke up shortly after lying down this morning and royally puked my guts out. After which I spent a good 10 minutes brushing and mouthwashing to get rid of the acrid flavor that permeated my mouth.

Yes... Over all not a good experience.

I'm doing better now and ready to start the day again. Work in an hour and so rushing to get some clothes and get ready. Wish me luck.

08/24/12 Space

At Work...

08/23/12 At Work

Was pre occupied and didn't notice as time flew.

08/22/12 Getting ready

Now normally I type these entries up close to midnight but given that I work a later shift now; I don't have much choice in the matter so as to complete my quest of daily entries I must type one now as opposed to later.

If you're asking me what I'm doing; it's simple. I'm making sure my kitten is content and sated before showering, cleaning up just a little.

And now that I'm out of the shower I can report that Nasari cares about me... He kept meowing while I was in shower and as I was getting out, I could see his little face peaking out at me...

08/21/12 Nasari's Home

Earlier today I brought my new kitten home. He's presently sitting in my lap. I can feel the warmth radiating from his dainty paws.

He's happy I think. I'd assume at the very least he's quite content. He enjoys being near me and as long as I keep him entertained with random toys and what not, I know no complaint will transpire from him.

I suppose I should get around to uploading those photographs... But what's the rush, no one needs to see them right away.

08/20/12 Stuff.

I've got stuff to do. Lots of it.

Like get ready for work which is in a few short hours...

8/19/12 Must Get Ready!

While I shouldn't have to think of it too much... I really do need to get around to getting my room ready for my new kitty.

I bought him some basic toys and made a spot for his bowls and cat litter and I suppose most importantly I need to hide all of my wires and stuff so kitty doesn't try to snack on them. Other than that. I'm not sure if there is much else I can do to make my place "kitten" proof. My little Nasari will have mostly fre range of my apartment to explore and hide in and most importantly I suppose I have a little bowl of grass that is in the process of growing so that he can be a healthy little explorer.

All that awaits is for him to be released to my person.

08/18/12 Nasari

In other news I got into another accident today. The story itself is kind of funny. I went to the Animal Services place to volunteer today. And left with a cat and a busted bumper.

I will name my new tabby kitten Nasari. In my mind the name fits him quite well. More info when I pick him up on Tuesday :)

08/17/12 Not late

08/16/12 Last

Today is the last day before graduation.

After that I'll be a full-fledged CSR for my company.

It's special that feeling I have. That emotional thinking of process that balances in mind and makes me wonder as to the greater good that must come of things.

08/15/12 Dogs

A friend was helping me get my car back this afternoon and I decided to be polite and grab him dinner.

As it would turn out his house was populated by 2 pets as well. A extremely overactive mix-breed dog and a rather content cat.

Lets just say that I miss my Gale even more now that I've been given a chance to play with another dog.

I hope if he's still alive that the family taking care of him now... is doing a good job. That they're able to give him the loving home that my family couldn't.

*le sigh*

Also late post because head was off and stuff. Tomorrow's Thursday and I'm going to make it a good day.

08/14/12 Gotta Stay normal

Ride like thunder, the beast that ravels upon the minds and hearts of all.

Hear the words that they have to say. They chalice a golden cup that has neither meaning nor purpose. It's quest is less reason and more.

08/13/12 Resting

I need to rest. My body is tired.

And No I won't stop it.

08/12/12 Beach Day

Went to the beach and walked in the surf picking shells.

Pissed off a flock of seagulls and made comic use of an umbrella. I'm more tan than the day before and while I'm still sleepy, I'm doing good.

That being said; head is less than happy with the adventure and I have to get ready for work now.

Talk laters

08/11/12 Like it is

Rakevia, Warrior Princess.

Work in progress of course. But I think she'll make for a great story. No?

Why am I typing so little? Because the bf reminded me of my plans of writing daily. I'll write more for tomorrow. Promises x10

08/10/12 Advocates

Just dreamers in the wind.

I'm happier today and this week than I have been in a long while. I'm 23 years old. Stable career field. My benefits package just started coming in.

I'm happy :) I have awesome friends. People I want to hang out with. And most importantly. Things to do with my day.

08/09/12 Performance Standards

Every status must meet expectations.

_._._._._._

Initiate protocols 1.777.1.2.2 and 1.222.3.1.1


Performance sector for field must exceed at least 45% of per-industry standards in order to represent.

Completion of projects leads to benefits.

Yessah. 

08/08/12 Need to get on that.

So yeah I need to get on that.

If you don't understand, you probably weren't meant to. 

08/07/12 Sleepy

I normally don't crash from sugar, but today my body is not having it at all :/ So yeah going to lie down and hope I recover in time to talk with my friend for a bit.

Otherwise. my eyes are just going to burn out.

08/06/12 What is happiness?

It's something that doesn't have to make sense.

In my case it's the small seed that someone planted in my chest a few months ago.

I think I'm going to be happy. Well I'm going to work on making it worth my time and effort.

That being said.

I need to have a healthier diet. Because my teeth are probably rotting out from all the soda I'm consuming.

Oh and another thing. Today is the one year anniversary of my college graduation :)

I've come a long way m'dears. Felt a lot of hardships. But earned my place thus far. I have lots to yet complete to get to my dream goals.

08/05/12 Snifflies

I have a horrid case of the snifflies m'dear.

They did appear upon me not more than a week ago. From thence, I must say that I may have caught one bug from a sneeze and other from not washing my hands enough.

In either case I have had the most dreadful time keeping alive good sirs!

For you see. Illness is such a buggersome thing to have to deal with.

And while I have been medicating on fresh fruits and vegetables and getting more than adequate sleep (aided of course by the lovely tattering of rain against my window); I can't help but wonder if this is all my life is going to amount to.

08/04/12 Appeal

To say that one's mind is loose is to realize that one could never have begun to know the meaning of that which could have been the last.

Which is to say of course that I'm sleepy right now. Or just being lazy. And/or my body is recouping from some kind of cold that is baffling me. Nose has been running for 2 days now; general fatigue. Still have an appetite and keeping hydrated which should help with the recovery process. It's sunny outside and I wish it were more rainy. Vision quality has remained the same. No blurring or spots or the like.

Other symptoms... No pain acute or chronic in new areas. Lumbar region pain still present.

Other than that I think I'm good. No tenderness in facial skin/muscles and/or on neck. Lymph nodes swollen but not unsightly swollen.

I think I'll be ok given another day or 2. My white blood cells will do their work and I'll be fine. And if I'm not; well give another week or so and I'll respawn and all will be well.

08/03/12 Friday

Oh god it's Friday! And even better, Franny is drawing a picture for me :)

It's been ages since I got a random art gift, so yes it's something I'm keeping track of.

In other news, it's the end of the week.

08/02/12 Lying down

Feel like I'm coughing up a storm. Probably because I am.

Going to go lie down now.


That being said. Today was good. Learned of people's chocolate likes/dislikes. Got a friend/coworker a gift. And besides all of that... Earned the general good will of the class with more chocolates.

Will be saving the monies from this point on though. Got to set aside things for the time being, after all. 

08/01/12 Breathe

I wonder if I ever do honestly not note the simple things in life. Take for granted. That's the phrase I was thinking of.

What am I taking for granted?

Breathing. No I'm not dying just yet. Or at a rate that's excessively accelerated.

Instead my thoracic vertebrae is in pain right now. And no it's not deadly or 9/10 pain yet. I can manage. I can still survive. -ish.

To describe the feeling; I suspect it'd be best to consider the feeling when I'm lying down when the pain isn't too great. In these moments, the pain feels like it originates from the spinal column and at the same time I have a random flash in my upper quadrants. Flash as in pain. Pain as in stabbing sensation that has about a 5 inch radiation from point of focus.

Painful? Yes.

Killer? No.

Yes I'll live.

In other news. Think I might have the flu or something developing inside of me. I'm a healthyish Asian male so I should be fine. My longevity will stop me from dying just yet. But that doesn't mean that I won't be having a horrid time as my body wages war with itself.

07/31/12 July is over

It's the last few minutes of this July. And amazingly enough I'm in a good mood. Mostly because of good food, the opportunity to hang out with people I like and on the side of it all.

I'm happy here in Gainesville. I'm in a stable position. I have people I can trust. And I have goals. That's what makes one happy; no?

07/30/12 Plague

Infestations of disease. Noun. Verb.

Associated with negative.


Apologies if I have no sense in writing of the day. My mind is unwraveling rapidly as I attempt to contain my thought processes.

Input an incorrect claim Friday and got called out on it by Quality. Nothing that can't be fixed but still something.

Dreams. I have some.

07/29/12 Lumbago

I know I keep bringing this point up once every few days. And I honestly don't know what's wrong. I've been sleeping on an actual bed up to late, eating relatively healthy (hey I still can't find a good priced, good quality wok to make stirfrys in), and exercising enough to if nothing else keep my weight stabilized.

Home and about to go to bed now.

07/27/12 Driving

Gas is expensive in Gainesville. Also being a responsible person and acting as the designated driver.

07/27/12 First paycheck!

OH YEAH! $780 of awesome just got checked today.

So going shopping this weekend. This one is gonna enjoy something delicious... I'm thinking Salmon. Salmon? Yes Salmon.

07/26/12 Evasion, Feint, Vanish

3  of a set that bind to be.

Tomorrow is Friday; I should be getting my first paycheck. I have a nasty feeling I won't be though due to the snafu with my address.

But besides that. I've got rent to pay, groceries and other stuff to buy. My cat is just hunched over on the ground. He's so fucking comfortable anywhere he lies down.

07/25/12 Things to do.

There's an interesting quality that exists in doing laundry.

For yes I'm doing it mid week because I want some clean and dry towels to use. However they've been in the dryer for 80 minutes and it's still rather damp :/

Which is of course to say that they have failed me! Egads! I have been failed by the dryer. So while those get set asside, I'm making sure that my work clothes that are also getting spruced up are really clean then.

Amongst other things to note; I smell warm. Warm being not a traditional smell; I'm not exactly sure as to how one smells of it; but I want to make note of that because of such.

Cat who is sleeping on my bed right now. Is judging me for washing only my towels. He will commandeer them later tonight undoubtedly once he realizes they are nice and warm and that he can take them without me being too mad at him.

As for other priorities. New Shirt. It's Thursday tomorrow. Driving a Mazda 6 now and not sure what's to mind.

07/24/12 Litter Box

There is little point in attempting to tell one's cat that you've cleaned his poop box. He'll sit there; look at you and you'll look back and then you'll just sigh in general blah because you are the servant in this equation.

For think about it; you've just demeaned yourself into serving a cat. And in doing so you've cleaned up his poop while he looks at you with almost laughing eyes. Yes that's how I think of my cat.

07/23/12 Psyonics

Mental stuff. As in psychic powers and what not. The projection of mind and it's ability over matter and power.

That m'dear is what's happening to me right now. I feel as if someone is reading and simultaneously bashing my head into the desk.

I wonder if it couldn't be my cat. He does stare at me in contempt for having forced him to live with me in this residence.

Paycheck before the end of the week; really looking forward to it. Headachey; think I mentioned that. Going to lie down now.

Well considering I finished blogging; that is the purpose of why I got off; no?

Took my first real calls today. Stressful but I did well.

07/22/12 Cat Sitting

So the parentals came by today. And all of a sudden I find the house cat is in my care for 3 weeks. Yep. As in I'm feeding him, cleaning up his cat litter and all that jazz.

The cat is prancing around my room as I type this. He's interested in everything and has only just gotten over the shock of being alone. And thus he's rubbing his scent glands on literally everything and I'm just like GAH CAT HAIR!

Which isn't to say I don't love him. I do. He's my kitty. My loyal and loving kitty. I enjoy his company and even more so I enjoy being around him. Or rather I tolerate his presence because I'm somewhat lonely.So yeah. He glares at me with thos kitty eyes of his.

I'm going to regret letting him find a hiding spot in my towels soon enough though. 

07/21/12 Extras

My head is all kinds of headache right now.

In other news. Had maintence come out yesterday to fix things... MASSIVE BRAID OF HAIR found in the drains of my bathtub. (Which is why it wasn't draining)

That and with a bit of magic he fixed my AC unit. It's no longer broiling in my room :) It's a pleasant 70ish give or take. I'd love it if it were around 60, but that's not happening. I'll probably just invest in a fan if I think it to be a real issue.

07/20/12 Air Conditioning

I have it again. :)

07/19/12 Heat

It's cooking in my room/apartment. And I don't mean in the good way. It's like almost 80 in my room and probably hotter. Why? AC decided to stop working properly. I set it to 50 but it won't cool down :/

Already put in the repair request. With any luck it'll cool down soon. Until then. I'm going to head off to bed. In large part because my laptop can't handle running things with this much heat.

07/18/12 Home Cooking

There is indeed something magical about making a home cooked meal. And a home cooked meal I have indeed made.

Pasta was on sale at the store so I bought a batch and whipped it together with some ground beef and delicious mushies.

Yes I love mushrooms. I know lots of people who hate them... Which I don't really understand. These are savory little bursts of awesome; Why/how could you dislike them! That's just like blasphemy!

So yeah; delicious stuff :)

Sipping on some Tonic water to mellow myself out since I promised I wouldn't buy any alcohol until I got my first paycheck. Can't wait for next week. Gonna be living an interesting life until then. Granted first paycheck most of it is going to pay off my rent :/ And I'm going to start stockpiling on goods for the future kitty. And then of course there's the fact that I'd have to lock down most of the stuff in my room. So yeah; gotta plan.

I'm thinking of a small black kitten. I'll be home most evenings to play with him and take pictures and after a bit I'll let him have roam of the main areas. A small handvac will be practical by that time. I wanted a main coon but they shed almost as much as I do and that would be an issue.

07/17/12 About Right

First day after car crash. Feeling good. Doing well in class; and enjoying life as is. Making friends of my co-workers and they seem to think I'm a pretty cool guy too :)

In other news. Gainesville is kinda boring. Not much to do around here. Might grab a movie when my paycheck lands next weekend. Though the bills and the ticket I have aren't going to be fun :/

So yeah. Going back to chatting with my friend in Tenn for now. If you need me; give the Ghost Villa a ring.

07/16/12 Car Crash

I got into my first car crash today.

The roads were slippery I was going like 20 miles per hour. Tried to stop; brakes wouldn't work right; skid. Rear ended another car.

Insurance lady was pretty cool once she found out I was a fellow CSR.

Made the experience go better.

07/15/12 Moving

I seriously need to sleep. Like right now. Because I'm getting before the crack of dawn to drive down to Gainesville. With any luck I should make it there with enough time and if I'm SUPER lucky I should be able to move some of my stuff in.

Here's to hoping!

07/14/12 Back in Saint Augustine

For a night or 2. Haven't yet decided on which one is better.

In theory I could totally grab a shower at Nationwide on Monday morning if I drove back that morn.

07/13/12 Friday the Thirteenth

Friday the 13th! And I'm giving a friend a massage because he hurt his back again.

Ah well just being nice.

First week of work ended. *Yay*. Etc. Etc.

Only 5 more weeks of training. Pray for me that I don't snap.

07/12/12 End

It's the end of the week almost. And... I still can't move into my new apartment.

07/11/12 Gonna go lie down.

I could be doing some more stuff but I won't be. Why? I dunno

I just feel significantly more tired today than usual.

Could be that my speed lunch of hummus isn't working with me.

Alternatively.

I did have a decently long day. Oh and since day 3 is over all.


On another note, tomorrow I should be able to go to my new apartment.

Which of course means I'm going to buy some ramen and make a delicious ramen dish :)

Yus I'm crazy and love bacon like that.

Watching Adventure Time right now. No real reason why.

07/10/12 Badges

I has a work badge now :) Yus!

WIN.

Also today 2 years ago I met a few friends and my ex.

But that's a different story. Things happened. And while I remember it, nothing else really matters I suspect.

Bah, going to bed.

07/09/12 New Job

So yeah, today was my first day on the job :)

And it was awesome. Just wanted to say that.

Awesome.

And yes it's still something that hasn't sunk in yet luvs.

07/08/12 Hotel

I'm at a hotel right now. My first day on the job starts tomorrow and I just woke up from a nap with the feeling that I threw up a little in the back of my throat.

Had some water and thusly decided that the hummus I craved for lunch is likely causing mild acid reflux. Not a great feeling, I assure you. Ugh. Gonna go lie back down in a sec after I move some of my valued things inside. I fear my car getting broken into. Mildly irrational I suspect, or maybe it's VERY RATIONAL!

07/07/12 Packing

Apologies are in order for the delay and thus late post. For you see I am in the midst of packing and repacking things. Lots of things :(

Moving tomorrow after all.

07/06/12 Lease Stuff

It's a bitch of course my friends.

The leasing documents and other mumbo-jumbo.

For you see I swear these people don't want my business.

So yesterday I call around 11 and they're like "The leasing manager is out to lunch, call back later."

And I'm like well it's my fault for not calling sooner. Okay, Call back later.

At 12 (cleaning and packing, mind you), get on the phone and call back. "The leasing manager isn't here anymore, he took the rest of the day off."

Ok so I'm like WTF. Your receptionist tells me to call back and you aren't able to be gotten a hold of. I politely leave my information and called back again today.

They took 3 hours to fix 2 lines on this lease form. And then sent me the wrong one. Had to call back and more or less talk to the same chick 3 times for her to send me the other lease (have to sign 2 leases, one for this month and the other for the whole year).

Ugh. It shouldn't be this hard to get things done.

Just saying.

07/05/12 Insta-Ques

In Role Playing Game terminology, the concept of a tank exists as that of an individual party member who's purpose lies in protecting other party members.

Generally burly in composure and wearing of heavy armor, these male and female specimens aid in the development of the party by being the literal meat shield that takes the blunt of the damage that is composed at them.

Have I lost you yet?

No?

Ok.

Anyway found an apartment. Have to fight for certain leasing terms to get fixed, etc.

07/04/12 It's Independence Day

Yay! Fireworks day.

Because I seriously don't care about Independence Day (the movie was good though I suspect). Am I un-patriotic? Yeah a little. We're not helping other countries free themselves of tyranny anymore because it isn't in our interests. So we've lost our mark in what we as a nation was founded on.

Ah well.

That aside, Hm.. Cat's in my room somewhere but I don't sense him. And... Uhm. Yeah. Apartment pretty much found.

07/03/12 What's in the Middle

This Song. It's old yes. But I love it.

Several of the lines of it are very special to me for some or whatever reason. I've yet to exactly figure it out. I suppose it's due to my random nature and how the 3rd and 7th tune streaks echo in a way that I enjoy.

In other news it's the day before July 4th. Which makes it July 3rd.

Today was full of nothing more. A bit of randomness and a taste of my memory.

I recently found an old friend. He's a nice guy and we hit it off pretty well sometime last year. However due to various circumstances I kinda sorta maybe freaked him out. And so started 7 months of us not talking.

Then last week out of the blue I get a Skype message saying that he's sorry for hurting me and that he doesn't deserve my friendship. I of course had long since gotten over my grudge and was rather happy to have a friend back.

It's good I suppose. Though in the end I'll be moving on.

07/02/12 Heat

OH GOD I'M MELTING :(

MELTING
MELTING
MELTING

Did I say I was melting yet? Because I am. And I was melting too. But now even more so.

__

Well no. The Air conditioning finally kicked in and after hydrating on 3 liters of water I think I'm staballized.

But yes. It's hot. Very hot today. Not scorching hot yet. But still very very hot. 

07/01/12 July

So yeah I had a feeling I didn't post anything for this day. Well guess I forgot to or my mind slipped or I was simply too busy talking to someone to jot something. Yes I'm horrible like that.

06/30/12 My family is made of bigots.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. described bigotry in the following quotation: "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract."

More or less this is a great way of thinking of the family I was raised in.


It's funny actually I'm going to type this huge dissertation of what's on my mind and the parents will likely stumble on this and they'll filter it out and call me a good for nothing, and any other number of words that are either rude, hurtful or generally mean spirited. After which they'll tell me that I should have killed myself because I'm too much of an embarrasment to them. And if they don't say it outright, they're thinking it.

But then again. That doesn't stop me from living. If I must live out of spite alone, that too is a reason to live.

But I'm not living out of spite. I live because I have a purpose. I'm going to be happy. I refuse to let them cause me to feel any other way. Well Ok, to be honest I haven't given a damn about anything they've said for what the past few years now?

I've long come to accept that they're such low self-esteemed people who only know how to bring down other people. And that they can only exist because they can't/won't admit their own inadequacies.

So let's break down everyone in this family.

I'll start with myself. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. But I have within me the gift of dreams. Well my rogue-ish charm doesn't hurt. Able to get on just about anyone's good side or bad side, I know what I have and I know how to use it.

I've achieved a lot in this life time. I've fallen in love, learned to forgive someone who's hurt me, brought happiness into someone's life. Hell I've stopped a person from killing themselves by being their for them. And no one can take that away from me.

There is a saying that it is through self-realization and empowerment that one can truly uplift themselves. I realize that I have not attained my dream. And I will strive for that path every day.

___

Oh look I just got called a worthless thing that doesn't get to be called a human; a pig is better than me. Why? The pin on the edger fell out while I was working. Yep. This is my life.

I have no sympathy for these people. The person I call my father will die alone. If he chooses to push everyone away; they'll eventually see the light and leave him to his own demise.

It's funny really. I don't respect either of my parents. Should I? Probably. "It's the Asian thing to do."

Is it? My Mom won't stand up for herself. She tells me I'll never achieve anything and when I do, she makes up accusations to prover her point. It's funny. She claims even to have friends. She doesn't.

Oh I was talking about standing up for herself wasn't I? She never learned how to obviously. Hell my father beat her a few times and she comes back begging like some damn dog. She'll never learn I suspect. Hell a dog will run away from it's owner if it's abused enough. Not her though.

You don't believe me? I've got a lovely story for you then. I have a memory. One evening a year or 2 ago. "Come down stairs and make sure these marks aren't noticeable." WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Oh that's right. Domestic violence. Any decent person would have gone to the police and gotten that person who beat them to this point arrested. Not my family :) They're so stupid that they can't even see what's wrong.

Yeah she's still with him. You know the kind of people that allow themselves to stay in an abusive relationship? I'll stereotype them but crackwhores. Yep. Emotionally dependent to the point of stupidity.

___

Am I being too mean for reality and society to tolerate. I'm only speaking the truth. If anyone would say otherwise, let them prove that I am a liar first.

06/29/12 Emotionally Meh

So I was trying to cheer up a friend of mine. (He went through a bad breakup and is a bit down atm). And I came to realize something. Individuals have the power to shape how the world feels around them. No seriously I took that long to figure out this small thing.

Our mental status allows us the power to think and contemplate and as much as I don't necessarily think otherwise, I can't help but wonder if my positive outlook won't be enough to shape things here too.

06/28/12 Four Square

So yeah. This morning as I was dropping off my younger brother at his swimming practice. I checked into 4square as he was getting out of the car.

And then it was like. You've been with us for a year!

God damn it... Has it really been a year already? If that's true it means that a year ago I was probably at Hartsfield-Jackson and got bored waiting for my flight back to Tally. And suddenly a lightbulb pops over my head and I'm like YUS I WILL DOWNLOAD THIS APP.

As for why I was in Atlanta, I would have been flying home from a trip to Pittsburgh to visit the boyfriend at that time.

Ah well.

Anyway home now. Still trying to decide on which place to get.

06/27/12 Social Acceptability

It's a start to think of things in one manner as opposed to others.

Take x for example. Add y.

Then remove from the equation anything related to 3 times the coefficient of x.

In which case the resulting lingo is likely to be nothing more than you could want.

Also I'm going to start doing reviews again. I'm a writer by default. It's what I do.

06/26/12 674

674 is my ranking right now. Out of almost 60k. So I suspect it's not THAT bad.

Which is to say I'm pissed off I'm not higher. And I'll keep working at it undoubtedly.

That being said, it is quite the accomplishment to have gotten this far even :)

And in case you were wondering. Yes this is about the new Magic the Gathering that's on Steam.

06/25/12 Monday

It's raining outside.

And all I can think of is the fact that the fire ants are drowning. And I am happy because of this.

Because seriously. Fuck fire ants. (the imported variant that is thriving in everywhere down South).

No seriously those little buggahs can drown and drown and die some more. I don't like them. And they don't deserve to be alive right now. and so as they drown, I am happy.

06/24/12 Thoughts.

So yes. I haven't written in a while. And by write, I mean really write. Instead of the normal 2 paragraphs and then seemingly vanish.

I'm well aware that I've been lacking in the writing department up to late.

And yes I'm also aware that the point of daily journal/diary/blog entry/etc. is to have a basis by which I can work with as a memory log.

Something that I can tap and then move forwards.

A blank canvas that I'll not be able to edit. But that holds something more than I had originally hoped for.

That is what I crave and want in life. Or is it.

I'll admit that much like some of my tweets up to late, the stuff I end up writing down is a mix of the random thought processes that have fired off within my mind. Without any real guidance they come out as jumbled mixtures of words and characters (and if could find a way to translate them, images too)

Because I don't think like most of my friends (at least I presume I don't). Instead I am what I am and the words that I end up saying are my own.

06/23/12 Trip To Tally

Went to Tally to pick up some of my boxes of stuff.

It was an exciting drive. $40 of gas later. Hail sized drops of rain that fell from the sky like diabolical bullets. And then I got my stuff... The fan that I had liberally soaked in mint oil, my favorite body pillow, an assortment of other stuff and my laundry basket.

Oh there's also that random painting I commissioned an irl friend to do. It came out... interesting.

06/22/12 Fly away

So tomorrow as in like 7 or 8 hours from now; I get to drive my ass a long long way away. Because I need to :/

Or rather Tallahassee is only 2 hours away.

But I have finally brought it upon myself to go back to that place far far away to pick up the remainder of my things that I have neglected for nearly 6 months.

Free from their constraints, each piece of what I have will tap my soul ever so slightly as I resonate with them.

My stuffed animals are among the things I left behind. As is my laptop heat dock, a copy of Dinotopia and a few sparse memories I'm not sure I want to resurrect. I should  though.

06/21/12 Summer Solstice

It's the longest day of Summer isn't it? And that means every other day of the year will be progressively shorter...

Hm.

Ah well. In other news got the new MTG set. Red and White are presently my favorite colors to work with. Blue could get up there if only it wasn't so slow to start up.

Jace's deck works well in it's own capacity and in theory could destroy Nicol Bolas on the technicality of deck elimination.

I'll have to look into it some more.

06/20/12 Burns.

Habanero, Scotch-Bonnets and Red Chilies. Each variant burns at it's own scoville rating and each has gotten on my hands at some point today.

I made a lovely meat based sauce to go with a batch of noodles. And I must say. 'twas divine.

In other news. I now start apartment hunting. And I have to visit Tally this weekend to pick up my few things I left there. Wasn't much on the way of stuff but still things that need to be reorganized and moved with me to Gainesville.

06/19/12 Happy

I got hired. Need I say more?


It's happy time in this one's mind.

:)

06/18/12 Green

I was thinking of making a batch of caldo verde. It was random I admit but I think it'd be quite delicious if properly made.

The delicate flavor of the kale or other greens simmered in a rich and hearty stock. *mouthwatering*

But yeah. Hungry for such things. Don't really know why. It's probably because I was browsing recipes online and this one popped out to me. And as I gazed through the ingredients list. Not only did I realize that I could have easily made it in my spare time... But it looks fucking delicious.

And mentally as I'm cooking it within my mind, I can't help but think that this would probably turn out to be a delicious recipe...

Thus in the future when I get a chance. I'm going to buy another giant bunch of collard greens from the lady from Cameroon and make a batch. It should be tasty :)

06/17/12 Fallout

So yeah.

Suffering fallout from the party I went to yesterday. Screw the family for thinking I'd rather spend time with them over people who have my back.

Hm... Yeah that's about it. I don't have a car anymore. And there seems to be some kind of grit in my teeth. Is life I suppose.

The convention that I couldn't make it to is over and instead of viewing pictures/posting pictures as I would otherwise have done I get to ponder on what I missed out on. A lot I suppose. Fun times with some good friends definitely.  But I have hope for next year.

06/16/12 ACLC

On phone atm. You know by now I hate typing like this. Driving home shortly. Have a good night. Ah and in case you were wondering, I was at a Housewarming party. Hectic and random people. But that home made pizza was delicious.

06/15/12 I subsist on souls.

They are most delicious. And I needn't even physically consume them, simply being in their presence will offer me their nutrients.

06/14/12 Spore

So I got myself a copy of Spore yesterday (it was like $5 and I needed something to help get over the fact that I wasn't at AC).

Anyway. Spore is amazing :)

Game's features are lovely, movement is very streamlined and the endless possibilities for characters and players alike!

And while I will admit that I've already forgotten both my species' names as well as the names of my my planet, the structures or anything else for that matter; I can't help but think that I'm doing a fine job as is :)

 

06/13/12 Wrath of the Mind

What is the mind can be.

Be and that will be.

06/12/12 Sadness

Sadness is an emotion like any other.

It represents the absence where joy and elation are it's counter.

And while in the darkness of a solitude, one could consider themselves "sad." In reality this is only a temporal state of mind.

Sadness can be caused by any number of things. And while the most basic reason of thought process that binds to this particular specimen can be thought of as the basis of something illogical; it should be noted that humans are inherently illogical.

Am I rambling again? I do appologize. Such thought processes are cyclical in nature within my mind. And the madness that comes from them is at times most unsuitable for my personality and general demeanor.

Which is of course to say that while I usually hope to end such meaningless ideals with proper planning and what not else; I can't hope to garner any such meaning. But that being said; I can only hope that with every passing day, my mind is able to wrap itself around the fact that things happen, people change and that given the circumstances; I'm doing really quite well.

06/11/12 Offset by value of 3

Sleep is a necessary mini-restart button for most people. Acting as a means of calming the dark ghost within the heart and likewise the mind, even a small quotient of it is practical.

It's been a week now just about since my birthday. And it still hurts to consider the few people I really care about didn't bother wishing me a happy birthday. Yes I'm having hard time getting over it. It hurts. shouldn't it?

That and I'm not totally awake right now. My mind is definitely not in this present station. I'm up talking to a female friend of mine. She's on the west coast so in order for our times to synch I have to get on a bit later (not really much later) to compensate for the 3 hour time shift. And for this evening I decided I'd take a nap till 11 and then hastily blog while IM her on Skype.

And that should have worked perfectly. Except my mind mentally shut off the first alarm and I had a hard time maneuvering to the computer for the second one. And I'm mildly unsettled at the moment because of playing zombie games and in my mind if I go outside to refill my water, I'm likely to be attacked by zombies in much the same fashion as in Dead Island.

Power of mental overcapacitization, no?

06/10/12 Collard Greens.

So I was at the market today. The Farmers one.

And I found some amazingly luscious collard greens. 5 huge stalks of the lovely vege. And it only cost me $3. What a deal :)

Anyway after coming home, I stripped a few of the leaves and just decided to taste one of them to gauge what the whole would be like. A herbal bitterness, not too strong. An aftertaste of something peppery. And throughout something underlyingly sweet.

Anyway I followed traditional Southern cuisine guidelines and made a delicious stewed collard green special with it. BACON. SUCH DELICIOUS BACON!

:p

Yus bacon. That quintessential ingredient. So amazing. So delicious. And the perfect blend of fat and salt to make most any dish more awesome.

In this case the herbal bitterness I previously mentioned is calmed by the sea salt I splashed in and works exceedingly well with the rich fattiness of the bacon. The only thing more appropriate I suspect would have been using fat salt pork. And if I had some simply lying around I would have definitely tried to use it...

Ah well meal was good. And still have 3 large stalks to cook up later this week. We'll see how I decide to make them.

06/09/12 Sleepy

I have no clue why I'm so sleepy. I shouldn't be this bad. Because seriously I slept well last night. My troubles are lessening and I have hope for the morrow.

I also haven't eaten anything excessively fatty or anything else that normally makes me feel this drowsy...

On a totally unrelated note I discovered my katana again :) It's a lovely blade even if it's unbalanced and there's a 1 degree curvature to it. Not to mention the hilt guard is slightly scuffed. And I have no means of really sharpening it nor would I desire to.

But yeah dug her out of my closet. Lovely specimen and having it near by makes me feel safer. I guess I'm just a nut like that.

Lunch was tasty. Made Baozhi again. Using the filling from yesterday's wontons. Delicious homegrown celery will do that. Tasty stuff good sirs and gentle madams.

06/08/12 Mirto

Today's been interesting. Long and long. But nonetheless interesting.

And so I end it with a swig of creme de menthe.

Yes I know how to do the accents over the e's but I'm being lazy atm so I'm not doing them.

I've long since realized that I have a thing for mint. Be it in liquid or solid form.

(As for why this is relevant/ it isn't)

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. Tomorrow is going to be a long long day. Volunteer work and other stuff.

06/07/12 Lamb

I LOVE Lamb kebobs...

And cumin. Just saying.

06/06/12 back

Note that the lowercase first letter in the title is intentional.

So yes I realize my posts up to late have been uncharacteristically short and not in my relegated style.

And for that I do apologize. For I did hope to write more but things always had a nasty habit of coming up and biting me in the ass. And I hate it for doing so.

Anyway. As you may have been able to garner; yesterday was my birthday. And due to various things it went pretty well.

Sadly I had no one in real life to hang out with and so by the end of the day I had taken it as a sad sign and slumped off to bed nursing a bottle of Cavit Moscato.

The 2010 vintage is lacking compared to the 2009 vintage. While it still has a lovely characteristic sweetness and mild effervescence. This batch lacks the crisp bite that I am craving. That sensation of crunching into an apple that I had experienced when I first tried this wine over a year ago... I miss that.


Ah well.


Anyway it's the day after my birthday and into the night as well. I got soaked in the downpour outside and only recently have I dried off to any capacity.

06/05/12 Birthday Wishes

On this day 23 years ago I was born.

And I've lived since. For better or worse. Mostly better; sometimes worse.

06/04/12 'Twas

'Twas the day before my birthday.

And I was not home.

For "Fuck It!" I said. And left with a "harrumph."

To old Gainesville I traveled all through the day.

:/ Why am I attempting a lyrical format? It doesn't suit my writing style at all. And that's not to mention the fact that the majority of my readers are bots so they wouldn't garner any interest in my writing style to begin with.

Hm...

Ah well today I spent much of my day in Gainesville. I was in the company of a good friend of mine who enjoys my company and he bought me lunch. This simple gesture means a lot to me.

For you see. None of my friend have gotten me a birthday gift in 4 years now. And this guy... We only met 2 months ago.

I guess you could say we connected well. That conversing with each other I was able to understand him.

I'll have circled the sun 23 times as of tomorrow. 23 times the world has revolved around a star in the center of our solar system.

And I have learned oh so much in this abysmally short existence. And there is so much more that I could possibly learn; so much that I could reach out and touch. So much that I could become a part of. I don't think I have much to lose at this point. All the people who've forsaken me in the past are no longer part of my present existence. They're memories that I've simply let go of or will soon be able to let go of.

Am I mistaken? Have I lost my way? Is the purpose and plan by which I mean to live my life but a lonely, lost meaning? No. I'm hurt yes. That's a undeniable fact. But hey; we're all hurt sometime in our lives. At least once in our existences, our hearts will touch against another's and in turn we'll feel the pain of them walking through us; ripping away a piece of our being.

There is no denying that.

06/03/12: Let Me Tell You A Secret

Secrets are phrases and thoughts that are at times best deep within the memory scheme.

That is to say; Whatever you think of it.

However in each scheme of mind, the telltale thought processes that are left behind may instead teach you something that you had previously suppressed.

All of this of course comes from my mental predicament. I'll figure it out. 

06/02/12 Volunteer More

I signed up for various volunteering opportunities today. And as it would seem; it was much less practical than I had originally hoped.

Because seriously one of the places I applied for :/ They're charging me for the interview. I won't give details on the specific location but still; this is uncalled for bs.

No seriously. I'm willing to give you my time as an individual to help YOU out. I'm doing it out of the goodness of my heart (and because it's for a cause I can stand behind.) The interview I can understand because even a non-profit must have standards. Paying for the interview on the other hand is a different story.

Ah well there are other places I'm willing to go.

I think instead the National Park Service will enjoy my company. I plan to volunteer with them via their Castillo de San Marcos in the near future.

All I have to do is fill out all of this paperwork and then some other stuff; but that's nothing to matter and I don't mind paperwork. Filling is just a fact of life and the other stuff just as likely.

__

06/01/12 A Monkey Wrench in my Plans.

I plan.

I fucking plan a lot.

And I HATE IT when people fuck with my plans.

Even if it's for the better.

Which it rarely is.

My plans for traveling are being royally fucked at the moment. But the reason may be better than I had originally hoped.

Or worse.

I'm not OCD about planning. But I do put a lot of time and effort into working these situations from various angles until the pieces fall together.

05/31/12 Coercion in progress

I am coercing people. Because I have to. And because it benefits me.

Not excessively bad coercion mind you. Just what is necessary. Because that's how I roll.

In other news. Dawnguard.

It's coming out soon. And I'm excited.

05/30/12 Interviews.

I has them. Lots of them.

Today's planned interview was blown off because of some BS. But I will refrain from cursing or causing a scene about this for I must be the greater man in this instance.

In other news. Contact Lenses. Brilliant inventions of modern science. Horrible thing to peel off of one's eyes. I just had to with the pair I was wearing. My eyes have almost instantly readjusted and now feel better than they did before when I had them on. My alertness has also drastically increased as has my general perception and ability to stay awake.

I have a Skype interview tomorrow. All scheduled now. Everything is in place. Mind is set. And I'm doing good.  Just need to get my thoughts together before I say anything. Either smart or horrifically stupid. Also remember to speak into the microphone.

A reminder on my hand would be smart. And reminding myself when it is would likely be well planned too.

05/29/12 Apathy

Apathy is the quality of not giving a damn.

In summation; in the words of the masses of today: "Meh."

And thusly it is the feeling that I ponder as I roll through the actions of today. I got rejected from something simply on the premise that I am a Naturalized citizen of the US originally from China. Doesn't matter that I've lived in the US for years. Nor does is it have anything to do with actual merits and what not. Simply my origin country is the key to my demise at the present.

Yes that's what I'm calling it. My demise. Meh.

In other news I ran my first red light. And almost got in a car crash. I don't know why. My mind blanked and next thing I knew I was swerving.

Blanking out is a bad sign no?

05/28/12 An Open Book

I am an open book. It comes with the territory of being a loreweaver.

Has to after all. Wouldn't make much sense for someone to weave a tapestry of great virtues and values if no one but the maker is ever to lay eyes on it.

05/27/12 Guts

I have guts. Lots and lots of them. Not more than say a cow. But most likely more than say a goat.

What does that have to do with anything?

Said guts are roiling in ever so much pain. I'm not even what's sure going on. Reread that. I don't know why I decided to type like this for the hell of it.

But yeah. I have the shitz. And I question if this is just a 24 hour bug or if something much more serious is going on my body.

If you were wondering what I'm going through; it's say similar to having a knife impale itself into you insides.

In my mind that's probably the best... well no. I have a better analogy! It's like a pair of claws are probing me. Having no regard as to my intestinal or stomach well being; these claws have simply sunk in and are now shredding my insides.

I think I'm going to take a sip of mint oil and another of honey. Combined the medicinal qualities should at least partially render my insides stable enough for me not to cry myself to sleep for the time being. 

05/26/12 Sleep for the headache

My mind is all sorts of headachey right now. Having a hard time seeing straight and an even worse time concentrating. And as such I rexkon that for my personal best interest, I should retire for the evening and rest my weary eyes and heart. No not depressed. Mood is stable. Have stuff on mind though. And need to get into a caring mood.

05/25/12 Days Later

Days Later and then you awoke.

When did it start you question.

This song. With the simpsonized version of Lady Gaga. It's been stuck in my head for quite a while. Lovely song really. With a focus on the individual and the principle of inner beauty.

It's a truly touching song. Because in a way; I've been that person that her song is talking about. I've the voice that is lost and never was found; the flower that was trampled on and only recently bloomed. And that's in part why I feel so engaged in her music. Lots of music these days don't make sense. And I'm not going to defend every one of LG's songs because I don't like every one of them. However the handful that I do enjoy. The beats; rhythm, emotional depth of the lines. All in all they fit who I am as a person as well as what I feel deep inside.

So yeah this blog post went on a completely different direction than I had originally intended. For you see with the opening, I was instead contemplating zombies. I don't particularly like zombies. They exist in one reality or dream or another. And in each one in which my persona is forced to interact with them, I do so quite uncomfortably.

I want to know why I have such a fascination with them. Zombies. The living dead; the not truly living; those caught between the rifts of one world and the next. These concepts keep swirling in my mind. I suspect that sooner or later I will actually decide upon writing that all inclusive paper on the subject.

05/24/12 Mortality

In yet another post about the concepts of the mind and more on the rationale of mortality.

I borrowed my mom's car today. Was going to visit the recruiter office and have a chat with each of the divisions of the Armed Forces to get an idea of things. Just a taste of what I could have. See which one entices my sense the most.

Anyway down the main road that I could have taken; there's this really really sharp turn on an otherwise straight road that's going 55. At the turn, drivers are supposed to slow down to 30. Today. Someone didn't. A truck actually. As I was going down the road; I moved to one side to allow a fire truck to pass. I suspected there was a fire. Logical deductive reasoning that when one sees a fire truck blaring and flashing lights to assume that there is likely a fire somewhere down the road.

Today there was no fire. Today the fire fighters had another task. The truck that didn't slow down. I fear for at least one of the passengers of that vehicle. For trucks that are several tons in weight, they should never flip as this one did.

I wasn't there for the actual flipping; but I must have arrived within 10 minutes of it happening for the people around the area were still visibly dazed by the incident. The fire fighters were just getting out of the truck as I arrived.

Someone died. Or was severely injured.

The sign posts don't go missing like that for nothing.

Mentally.

All I can think of is the noise of the screaming that must have occurred.

05/23/12 We are who we are

In this life time, we all have to keep in mind specific things. The most important is that no matter how tough the road is presently. Eventually it will even out and the mental strain of the whole matter will become but a horrid memory of the past.

I'm no virgin to stress. I had all about accepted death as a factor of my life a few years back. The 5 stages of grief were nothing more than good friends who's wisdom I kept in my heart, even if my mind tuned them out.

What were their names again? Denial, Anger, Barter, Depression and Acceptance. Yep I intimately know each of these. They ran through my head and I held their hands as we me moved down this path. It was my path though. One that I ended up taking even if I didn't want to. Each step of the way a painful reminder of all that I had lost.

Denial? The first brother to offer his hand down my journey. I stayed with him for only a brief period of time. I offered the thoughts that there was no way I could have been that ill. That it was only old and frail people who could possibly get cancer. But it was it's own process.

Anger. The second sibling. Her rage pulsed through me as I concerned myself with things. I thought and pondered and screamed at myself until I was hoarse. But it didn't feel any better. And besides even if I wanted to do anything else, the medication and fasting sapped what little strength I had.

Barter. The brother of temptations and unfulfilled consequences. I spent much time in his care. We talked about how short my life had thus been, how few things I had experienced. How much I wanted desperately to feel; to hold; to but have someone love me. "If Only."

Depression. The sibling of the longest stretch of my journey. For what else could I do. I would lie there in bed. Ill. Too tired; too weak. Hallucinating. This is the end of all I would consider; each story but driving a stake deeper and deeper into my chest. Hurting.

Acceptance. The sister of peace. Those moments of clarity after the previous four had departed. I would enjoy her voice, as it sang to me the verses of knowledge and of the path that I could soon travel. She was the greatest I could imagine.

It is in these 5 siblings that I had truth bind to me. That I learned of my own emotions. That I considered all possibilities. That I accepted and forgave. That I learned to yearn and hold fast to everything I had. But it will always be easier just to let go.

But Life or Death; Fate or Purpose had a different path for me to walk. And so I took it when offered. I don't deny that I am alive today if not for having something to hold onto. I honestly can't say exactly what it was that truly gave me the edge I needed.

That being said. I didn't really know what was in that beyond. It could have been heaven; hell; the astral stream; nothing? Now days; I am more inclined to feel that at the end of that which is life; the Egyptians knew what was most likely to happen. It's possible of course that they always had a inkling of it. And if it were; at the end of my life time. My heart will be judged against the feather of truth. And I will stand there and wish and hope and pray that the feather is in balance. The nothingness that could happen if it weren't scares me far more. But that's of little consequence.

Like I said. It's been 4 years now. 4 years to next month or the month after actually. That I parted hands with the five siblings. Left each on their own. And walked back through the threshold of life. I am alive now. That's what matters; no?

05/22/12 Por a Mi

The Borgia family line is noted as being one of the most riveting tales of aristocracy + religious life known to European history.

So to see rather conflicting view points of this family; now that makes for an interesting study.

I'm not even going to try and defend the family. I acknowledge that they're less than friendly; that their ideals of powerlust have caused the undoubted demises of many prominent and not so prominent citizenry. I also won't say that I have a particular favorite in any of that family.

Rather it is the family's portrayal in the TV show by the same name versus the individuals in Assassin's Creed that I have noted such correlations.

I'm going to go on a limb and say that the war between the Assassin's and the Templars is most likely fictionalized. That the story is just that; a story. But I don't doubt the existence of secret societies and the likely murder that followed in their trails.

It is in this sequence that I suspect that the true story behind the interesting lives of the Borgia family will unfurl for me.

I'm neither done with the games nor am I done with the series; it is only time that will decide which I should end up enjoying more.

05/21/12 On Stranger Tides

I met Leonardo da Vinci today. Well an interpretation of the great master. That is to say what a team of gamers/programmers/artists rendered as the master.

But in their own way; I have come to enjoy this individual. His character within the series is not only interesting; but in a way I either am crushing on him or just feel a connection with him. That is to say; his personality is something that I would search for in people I would like to date. Or maybe just be friends with. Entertaining; knowledgeable and truthful about himself. He admits his faults in the bravery department and is instrumental in making sure the protagonist is well equipped. And that's not even mentioning how awesome he is in general :p

But that aside. The title of my blog may remind some of a certain movie featuring pirates. It shouldn't because only in afterthought do I realize that it does. Instead focus your attentions on other things. I have better things to deal with and as such the title felt quite shall we say focused as to the stream of thought process that I often type by.

Take for example the notion that the seas themselves are likely to send something sinister in the next few months. No seriously Hurricane season is here SOON. And I perdict a bad hurricane this year. Like a 3 or 4 at least. I'm mentally imaging the letters G or H so one of those two perhaps.

05/20/12 Ezio

If you understand the naming; you'll know what I'm up to...

Also. My cat is a fatass :/ He's hogging so much room on the bed that I am resorting to pinning myself to one side. And of course the moment I step aside and get off my bed; he resumes the making of a nest on top of my covers.

This was to be expected of course. My cat; the bastard that he is; is only being whom he knows him self to be. And of course I am not really bitching about the qualities of my cat. We are both travelers on a long and endless road; and for the time our present bodies and spirits coincide; we will make the best of our odd friendship/relationship.

But of other things in mind. I follow in the footsteps of a fictitious Italian aristocrat. His brothers and father murder; his mother driven to the brink of madness. It is in this setting that I consider the start of a most interesting tale. For the story of Desmond Miles spans several hundred years; his purpose, his plans, his destiny. And as I dig deeper into this story; I can't help but consider the possibility that if such technology existed in this day and age; I too might have discovered something positively amazing about my own past.

Hm. Rather I guess this is a great time to segue into my own preposterous ideas of my past lives.

Lets see.

I believe in a past life. The concept that the immortal essence of the soul/mind/spirit whatever it is to be known as can transcend the space of time. And thus is able to be absorbed into a new life as it is born. This is why I believe memories are formed that can't possibly be ours; the ideas and concepts we hold steadfast to are so easy to us and to a degree it even shapes that which we like and enjoy doing the most.

In this life; I enjoy learning obscure facts, medicine derived from nature, exploring, traveling, cooking, massages, sex (well I'd be lying if I didn't include it), lingo of other nations and sometimes in the off chance that it's available, reading. Which is to say the last thing in this list was something I made up on the spot because I wrote that whole beginning and I could only suspect that it's interesting.

As for locations... I know for certain that my personal affiliation with Ancient Egypt, Rome; Piratical Caribbean Islands and parts of ancient Asia must have some bearing as to reason. No?

In a past life I can't help but suspecting that I was a healer in one of the Ancient lands. An Egyptian herbalist perhaps or a Roman apothecary? I may have served the pharaoh's family even, though I am not so mighty as to say I know for sure I could have. That aside; I still do think it possible that I held some position of importance in that life time. A priest perhaps? The mythologies of past do seem to connect with me ever so deeply. Their deities but memory scraps then? Could I have been one of those who would have picked the sacred herbs used in processions or for divination? If so what was my purpose beyond that? Surely something of my past life is waiting for me in Egypt then...

As for the pirate obsession. That too is something I can't explain. It's an interesting fascination I will admit. One that will eventually drive me crazy as I consider and ponder it's greater meaning. I want to believe that it's just a small piece of who I am, but that life; that existence. It feels so meaningful at times; I can't help but wonder if it holds a deeper meaning too.

Bah. This one is rambling again. I've spoken more than my share of myself. Soon I'll have more than my share of memories tied into words and placed online. Someone in the future could even reconstruct me from them...

05/19/12 Three tenets to follow

In life there are many rules and regulations that we all must live by. Think of your day to day and the importance of these regulations. Be they fair and just or unreasonable and rash; we are bound by these imaginary boundary lines. Look around your day to day. Think about all that they have done and will do for you.

Take for instance the speed limits enforced by the police. Do they have a purpose? Yes. This is an example of a societal law. It was enacted to regulate and impart safety for all whom would use the road.

Then think for an example the use of taxes. This too is covered under rules and regulations. Why? Simple. Individuals who impart a percentage of their earnings enrich all around them.

But that isn't what came to mind today as I type.

Rather I was considering other factors in mind.

For example. What about the the processes that one should live by?

Almost every society has something similar to what is considered "The Golden Rule." Which in theory would be great but in practicality (especially in today's world of mixing cultures) fails to truly own up to the status and quality by which individuals are expected to treat each other. Though at the same time the state of mind that allows for so many individuals to both think and treat such matters at the same level is still quite interesting.

As for why the Golden Rule is a bad concept. Consider the basis of it. "Treat others as you wished to be treated." In essence this is a great concept. Because MOST people wish to be treated with respect/compassion/honesty/etc. However what about individuals who have no sense of being and want to die? What about those who are masochists and thrive on inflicted pain. And most troubling. How about those who seek to belittle themselves as a means of balance their mental status. By mentally imposing themselves upon others; what then happens?

And thus I considered it.

And said. Screw the Golden Rule. It has little place in a world where all of what I've listed and more exist.

Instead I offer 3 simple rules that will make the world better.

1. Respect. Yourself and Others.  Their property; their beliefs; their heritage; and their beings. I don't think that covers everything. But it gives a good outline as to the things that I think matter. If you're respecting someone else's belief system; it means you won't be imposing your own on them right? Likewise to culture and personal affiliations. Thus we can stop the indoctrination of individuals into systems of belief that they may or may not be comfortable with.

2. Love - Love one's self. Love the people you care about. Love those whom you should care about. Love. It's a powerful word. But it's inherent personality is amazing. It's the difference between sanity and being lost. And more importantly it's the warm feeling you get in your chest that makes all the bad things of the world go away. There's few emotional states so interesting that I could write so much about. But that's for another time.

3. Dream. Of a better tomorrow. Of a future you're part of. Of dragons and elves and fantastical things. It is in dreams that I base the future. For without being able to form a piece of the future; what future is there to live and wonder and lust for? It is in Dreams that we are able to truly see our own potential; to see that which our own minds and hearts can achieve. And it is in Dreams that anything can happen.

These are the three tenets I live by. These are the three that can bring about a new Age. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. We'll just have to see how much we can dream. How much we can love. And how much we can learn to respect. No?

05/18/12 On another note.

I'm dead tired. No seriously DEAD. Like a Mopheus was tapping me on the shoulder and expecting me to magically appear next to him or something.

And so rather than get into the bland details of the previous; I leave you my luvs.

05/17/12 Planning Some More

Because planning is the mother of getting things the fuck done.

Hm. Maybe I'll say frak from now on just to test something out. Because while someone could easily call you a potty mouth for F-bombing.

But other things are presently being set in motion and I am frustratingly bending time and space as we speak.

I need to coerce someone soon. Very very soon.

05/16/12 Tel-Arun

Spicy Beef Wat.

I'll be honest and say that I've never had it before. It's an Ethiopian dish of interest to me. Served with injera to cut through the grease; it supposedly tastes delicious.

And I suspect that as a foodie I must one day find an Ethiopian restaurant and dine on this delicacy myself.

Now what brought about this train of thought? Just talking with a new friend of mine I met a few weeks back. And as we conversed we got upon the topic of food. (of course it would get to food)

And I just suddenly thought to myself. I want some spicy beef wat.

:/

Oh and as for what it is. Wat is similar to a stew or curry. It has influences from many parts of Africa and India.

05/15/12 Remain Positive

We should all remain positive. That's what I just said. And that's what I mean. :)

Because no matter how bad the day is going; how shitty you think you have it; someone somewhere is probably having it worse. And while this isn't the best way of looking at the world; I can't help but think it's the best one to look at yourself with.

And for that reason. I keep it in my mind and in my heart as I continue to live. Because ya know; no drought lasts forever. Eventually; one of these days, the skies will darken, the sound of thunder will be in the distance and the earth will once again be covered in a blanket of green.

05/14/12 Invoking Armaneus Rex

So after the incident with the dolphin-shark hybrid thing that broke through the fourth dimension and threatened to make my existence in this three dimensional world all the more ludicrous. So yeah; AFTER THAT.

The party and I decided to retire around and then I suddenly had the notion of wanting to explore some. If nothing else grab one of the complementary bikes the hotel offered and just take a trip around the area. The mansion I got out of the deal was nice enough; but I was on an undisclosed purpose coming on this trip; should I want to, I could have gone anywhere.

Both of my female companions didn't have anything better to do at the time and so we moved forward with our plans. One of them noted a mild hunger and so rather than explore the rest of the campus environment; the local burger joint was decided upon as our location of best enjoyment.

And it is here at this obscure fast food joint that served what appeared to be stroganoff. As I was filling my drink and filling my cup with orange Fanta I was accosted by a little old lady who demanded to know if I had identification on me for some type of clerical purpose.

At which point I was like why not? I pulled out my wallet and proceeded to pull out random cards until my ID was present. She took it and I thought of nothing more of the matter for a bit.

As I was getting my refill; I noted that I still hadn't gotten my ID back. I'm irked and I request to see her ID. She claims to have it but is still copying information from mine.

Noting how BS this whole incident is I make the comment that if I don't see some ID in the next 2 minutes I'd be calling the police and filling harassment charges.

Next thing I get is a injunction order. She's charging me $35.50 for some BS reason or another and threatening me with jail and a $100,000 fee if I should refuse to show in court.

This is my breaking point. "I invoke Armaneus Rex!" I shout passionately. The waking world pulls me after that and I wonder what would have happened next.

05/13/12 On quiet recompense

I was at the beach today.

A good day for the beach. Overcast skies; few (er) people (than usual) and warm waves (well part of the beach was).

The wind. It was phenomenal. I stood there in the surf. The waves battering my legs in warm spray. I stood there like an idiot. Contemplating the world around me. Breathing in the salty air; eyes closed and listening to ambient noise of the zephyrs.

And through it all I kept thinking of the lyrics to one of Gotye's songs. This one:

It's a powerful songs. The lyrics make me think of things from my past. Or rather people. My still recentish relationship with K. It's interesting really. Or less interesting and more pathetic of my mind to loop over that stream of thought.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. That the concept of a relationship doesn't apply to this one. And rather than a single entity; the world would prefer to relay it's memory to me from my faults.

Yes, yes it has been noticed how much this one uses the first person in his writings. I should refrain from that; but then again this is MY blog. It's about my experiences and the stuff and clusterfucks that end up in my mind.

Ya know it's funny and this time I mean seriously funny how at one time I honestly thought I was cursed . Something smacked me and I opened my eyes... and then I realized I was loved. Or less loved and more lusted over. The concepts of friends around me. They more or less don't exist. I can't really say that. Some of these people at least outwardly seem to care about me. Not in any capacity that I can find useful; but on an emotional level they seem to want to connect with me. It hurts; often times a lot to think of them like that. Just parasites leeching away at my dwindling sanity level.

But then again; we're all leeches to something aren't we?

My first ex had a term for my personality. He called it a "Psychic Vampire". Now should I google this term... Hm... Now that's interesting. One of the definitions... I've actually used for myself before. In it's list of symptoms; the ability to drain vital/emotional energy from those around them. What makes it interesting though; is that I thought I did the same thing for a long period of time. That when I entered people's lives. I sapped something from them. And over a course of time; the miasma produced caused those around me to end up harboring ill intentions towards me. And if not ill intentions; then something that eventually would cause whatever level of relationship between us to rapidly deteriorate.

I want to know more about this quality.

It fascinates me. Even more so now that I've looked into it some.

Maybe I am just a vampire as they keep saying.

It's a thought isn't it? A vampire of emotional health of those around me.

05/12/12 What I'd give for a dream to happen.

What I'd give for a dream to happen. A reality from the dust; a truth to unfurl and present itself to me.

That is the present that I want. The hope in the unseen; the warmth of the glow that is and has not been. 

 I called him Elujah; name of names. A servant of times and past hearts long lost. 

___

I'm oblivious to hurtful words now. It's only taken me what 15 something years to perfect? This art of staring into an abyss and not losing one's self.  

___

I'm sitting in a public library right now. The words that I'm typing are neither pertinent to the processes that are running through my mind at the present; nor are they sure what I'm thinking of. I don't really feel safe here since it's a new environment and as I try to adapt to my surroundings, I have the nagging suspicion that someone or something is keeping tabs on me. 

I'm trying my best to keep track of movement around me and i my current coordinates I feel safe enough. But safety in a foreign location is a fault that can never be remedied. Vigilance sir; VIGILANCE! 

05/11/12 Power Drill

A drill is an ingenious device which converts electrical energy into mechanical. In doing so it is able to transform the default process of creating holes or crevices in objects into a relatively simple task (at least from the user's perspective).

Also context. Without it, the majority of things written by one individual for another make absolutely no sense what so ever. For instance the stuff I'm typing right now. Where did the notion of power drills come from? Twitter actually. Which isn't to say you were ever meant to know what I was saying, but you thought you would be smart and learn did you not?

And likewise when my tweets get retweeted at random. What do people think of it? Do they understand the notions behind the words I've carried? Do they have the slightest clue what in tarnations I have thusly communicated? Probably not.

But it's interesting; because the lack of context sometimes adds to the greatest points of being. Because not being able to know the meaning of something frees the mind to wander. And in doing so, the wanderer is able to relive his own meaning.

Now for instance if I should scream loudly in a voice not my own the words: "Mary, Mary." It would not be unbelievable to suspect that one's mind was being addled into saying the first thing to pop. However in my case I do have a specific that I'm thinking of.

In this instance I am referencing the ancient nursey rhyme that followed: "Mary, Mary; quite contrary. How does your garden grow?" "With silver bells and cockle shells. And pretty maids all in a row." To which I suspect most rhymes from that age bygone were used more as a means of aiding children gain a grasp on the use of words rather than any real meaning. Unlike other rhymes that are still in existence, this one really does seem to be pure nonsense.

And if I was to stay on the random tangent that I have thus initiated; I would make note that my mind has jumped to the weighing of the heart. Well no, not a physical heart per say. But rather a spiritual one. In the Egyptian book of the dead; there is a passage referencing the judgement after one's death.

It's in this arc that my mind has jumped. For Ma'at would cast her eternal gaze upon a brilliant set of scales. On one side lies the heart of the deceased and on the other the feather of truth. Should the heart weigh too much (in so be burdened by what can be thought of as sin), the unbalance will cause the muscle to fall into the jaws of the might Ammit. And the one would simply cease to exist. It's interesting to consider that factor, no? To have every memory and value, every hope and wish consumed. There would be no punishment for the wicked, so full of desperation and deprivaty as to be lost within the cataclysm of the jaws of the beast.

05/10/12 Drakari

The Drakari are coming...

05/09/12 Hm. A taste of rain.

It's cloudy outside. Rich dark grey clouds. The air is moist. Barometric pressure is dropping undoubtedly.

The air is palpably more comfortable this evening and it isn't just because the humidity seems to have dissipated.

I can breathe :)

No seriously you don't understand how amazing it is to be able to breathe. My sinuses have been congested for the better part of a month and all of a sudden FRESHNESS!

Oh happy days. 

05/08/12 You don't know me.

Well to be honest. No one knows me. I'm a freak of nature per say. Well no, not really. Instead I'll allow it to be said that I'm just a crazed little rag muffin that is sitting on the edge of oblivion, awkwardly staring over the edge and considering all things constant about my existence.

I'm going to be myself again soon. My dreams a piece of the fabric that you have wrapped around you. Don't worry I tell them as they gaze at me. Don't be worried and never forsake the memories that you make of yourself.

05/07/12 Rested

I am rested m'loves. Rested from the aches and pains of sleepless nights and once again of my past heart's laments. I write now in a haze of memories.

For you see I had such an amazing time this past weekend.

And while it has undoubtedly changed my world perceptions of certain individuals; at the same time I can't help but think that the events that have thus transpired have also helped me grow. It turns out that the people I considered to be friends wanted less to do with me than I had originally thought. And on the flip-side of that token many of the new people I became friends with... They were incredibly nice to me.

I will say that a lot of people I've met will likely be lasting friends though :)

05/06/12 Return

So it would seem that in my passed-out state I was unable to coheretly remember that I had a blog that I posted to daily. And as such I didn't add anything.

Drove back from Orlando and now am redoing things to make my day better :)

05/05/12 Pool Paryy

In the shortest admendum possible; this is what I'm going to and this is what I've done.

05/04/12 Resort

This place is amazing... And I MEAN AMAZING. :)

Well more like shit to do. Lots of random things that I have to get done and people to hang out with... And stuff... SO MUCH STUFF *ARGHITH*

Ah yes in case I wasn't clear about it all; I am presently at the Hyatt Grand Cypress. This place is absolutely gorgeous. From the airy atrium to the several pools and the lake... and everything else in between; I must say AMAZING :)

Indeed I am speaking in loops at the moment. I hope that the pictures on my camera will adequately do justice to this place.

Well I'm not doing much at the moment; just sitting at this nice marble table and kinda sitting and what not. Which is to say that I am not being productive at all. It also means that I will have further plans in the near future as I am craving some kind of food. Like soon; actually now would be good.

*headache*

*stressed/maybe?*

*wantpool*

*wanthottub*

*wantparty*

*hating contacts*

Which brings me to another point. Acuvue Oasys brand Contact Lenses. These are the worst piece of shit contacts I have ever worn. Supposedly they're good for your eyes. Well FUCK THAT SHIT. They AREN'T. My eyes are burning at the moment and I've only worn them for 8ish hours. How am I supposed to see without them? How the fuck are my eyes breathing? I don't think they are... UGH PAINFUL EYES. WATERING EYES. No seriously why did I think it would be any different when I put this pair on as opposed to the last 40 or so sets I've worn in the past? WHY? Ugh. Sorry for the bitching. I just wanted to be able to truly appreciate the environment of this hotel. My eyes may as well be bleeding at this point :(

Gut not feeling all too well. Random mix of booze has wrecked havoc on my lining. Though the mix of this root beer with the whiskey has produced an enjoyable if not necessarily healthy mix by which I am mulling over.

My ride is presently afk. And/or walking around and getting food. and/or somewhere and not where I am. I'd have to take his keys though as he has had one too many mixed drinks for me to wonder how he is possibly still either walking and/or coherent. But nah; they left for sandwiches or something a little while ago? I didn't feel like going with them. (Under the assumption at the time that I'd be able to get some more stuff later.

It's quiet in this room; too quiet. I may go lie down on the hammocks outside and just rest my eyes. I forsee an interesting night of doing things tonight. :) As well as some lychee vodka. Which I am craving...

Good night blog. I will

05/03/12 Moose

Moose? Why Moose. Because Moose.

Also sorry for not blogging last night. I am/was watching Kill Bill 2 to a few minutes ago.

Is how it is.

I was and how I will be :)

Tomorrow I have been promised alcohol. I won't be partaking much. (I'll be the designated driver).

As such. Today is today. And it's already tomorrow. I'll be done.

05/02/12 On Shaving.

I hate shaving. Because I probably suck at it. Which I probably don't.

However there always seems to be one or two hairs that always evades my deft blades. And if it weren't for them, I would be essentially content over the matter. Which isn't to say that every shaving experience I've ever had was horrid, but still.

At this moment, my cat's sandpaper quality tongue is rasping against my arm. It's rough. And painful. And my cat... he think it's some great deed for his servant undoubtedly. I'm wearing jeans today. Which was smart of me. For if I hadn't, my legs would be covered in painful red splotches where this cat's claws have liberally dug in.

He is fascinating for a cat. A lovely species of felis domesticus as any other but this one. This blotched speck of a blur is most interesting to me. For you see, we share a history. I found him in the waiting area of a Wal-Mart way back in the day. And this daemon has followed my history ever since. He wasn't always this courteous of course. At one time, he wanted my blood, and my arm to this day shows the savage marks of tooth and claw as it was ravaged by feral rage.

But that is a tale for another day. Instead I offer the world the consideration of thus.

I am in pain. A level deeper than the bites that crisscross me from time to time. This pain is deeper still. It resides in my mind as a dagger poised to stab. In my heart as a claws waiting to rend. In my muscles, taking on the form of a sponge, to sap away my strength.

I don't really know what to think of it. But thus I recall and wonder is that what should be has thus been done. And as it is; I could neither question nor beg for the reality of that which is around me.

Instead I live this pain. This quality that is intertwined into my being. I offer it a chalice of my blood; one of my tears and one of my bile. In each it has the power to destroy me. For of blood is my energy, that which propels me into the future. In the tears I hold my longing. The sensation of hearts recompense. In bile I hold my health; tied to all others yet independent to the heart.

It is thus that I have noted.

And the Lord Zepheryus would not hold against my heart and my soul; nor the reason by which I can not profligate myself be told. Ugh off to bed with me.

05/01/12 In the Shadows of the Colossus

The Colossus of Rhodes was destroyed by an earthquake many many years ago.

But I stand in its shadows. Or rather it's memories.

I think in a past life I must have been in the Mediterranean.

As I read of the customs and cultures of those worlds, I can't help but think that I was reconnecting with a lost piece of me. A fragment from a past life.

Roman? I could have been a Roman citizen at one time... But then again I suspect that ancient Egypt also calls to me. Their religious beliefs so strongly twinge my heartstrings as I think of them. I thusly question if it isn't possible that I was part of that past. That the memories that I can't recall were the life stories of some member of that world; that lifetime.

I suspect that I must have been lore keeper in that world too. One who tells the stories of old so that the young may know of them. Not necessarily a bard. Maybe a priest or a healer...

One of these days. I will make a trip to the delta and the surrounding area and see if I haven't gotten the tastes for the matter.

04/30/12 Two Things of Note...

1. Ugh I think I've gotten a case of food poisoning. My gut is suffering ever so at the moment :( Which of course doesn't particularly help the sleep deprivation I seem to be feeling as I progress later and later into the night.

2. I met a nice guy. I'll leave his name as R. for the time being.

As for the former, I'm attempting to stay hydrated between bouts of nausea and an energy sapping tap that is touching me in all the wrong ways.

As for the latter. I think he genuinely likes me as well. We had dinner at Sonic's the other day and if nothing else I think we connected pretty well. Personality wise he seems to be a bit on the submissive side. I'm not going to lie, but I'm drawn to him for some reason. One that I would really like to find out soon.

Maybe it's just the smile. It's a charming mix of smug without the reluctance that I've thusly noted in so many other people.

And he does fit my racial mixup that I'm fond of. (Yes I'm going to admit that I have a thing for White and/or Hispanic guys) He has a Spanish like tinge that reminds me of Adri. But I'm not really sure besides that small point. It could just be me over-reading and getting into thinking of things that were never there.

It could also just be the small fact that we've both been looking for someone to offer our affections to. I gave him mine and he has thusly returned with his.

A relationship can't be purely based on just affection of course. There being many social, economic, societal and possibly political factors at play during any given interaction.

Socially speaking, R. and I are similar. We have similar interests in both people and cliques as well as romantically realized dreams of a "good time." Which isn't to say that we don't have our differences thus far. Time of course seems to be the most awkward of the set as to what we both don't seem to have enough of.

Though I must happily note that we live close... And may soon yet live closer. I'd be more than happy to spend time with him if we lived in the same city... A casual dinner one evening. Or say some snuggles while watching the moon rise. OOOO or just a romantic time walking with the other. *le sigh*

Forever the Hopeless Romantic that I am... I can't help but think that R. is the solution to my loneliness. Which is of course a horrible... ABSOLUTELY horrible way of looking at anything. The world included. Though i'm not going to lie. I would love for him to fill that void within me. Ever since Kyle savaged my emotional health, I've been trying desperately to fill it with something.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing again. I'll try to keep it slow. This old haggard of a beast should learn to be more cautious with his heart. There's little point in letting one's self be hurt if there be an alternative; no?