9/30/11 Lies

I'm lying right now in what I'm typing for the school. But ya know that's how I roll. I'm a writer and at times I either bend the truth or flat out lie to get my means.

Well no I'm not really lying out of my teeth as I put it. But a lot of the stuff I've ended up typing in the last 48ish hours hasn't been from the heart as it should be. Instead I've largely just stated what I had to in order to get this dreadful interaction off my chest.

Ugh. Maybe I just need to get some nomz. Tap into the little amount of monies I don't have left and get something? Yeah I might as well. I need food right now. Sustenance. would make me feel better. Something buffet-like? mmm... fake sushi :P

And on that note, tomorrow starts October. I've learned that I'm decently good with money as I've allowed my meager funds to last me this long right? I'll be fine luvs. I promise.

9/29/11 Esuna

It's brilliant I tell you! Well if you're wondering what. Specifically the concept of creating an anti-virus type program by that name...



Now why would I name it such and what not? Hm...

Of course it has to have sparkly lights :)

Name: Esuna
Concept for: Anti-Virus Program
Motto: "An Anti-Virus made by Gamers for Gamers"
Basis: Final Fantasy based spell for removal of status ailments (viruses, spyware, ad ware)
Formula: Open system based Anti program for the removal of the unappealing programs which may be infecting one's system. By utilizing a UI that is spell based, users will not only enjoy using it but will feel relatively comfortable with it. The fact that gamers are designing and adding input will add to the legitimacy. Since Square-Enix probably has Esuna copyrighted, the group creating it will only be accepting donations and the actual program will be free to use for everyone.
Funding: Donations
Staff: We'll figure something out.

Of course it's probably just something that will escape my mind soon enough and I'll think little if anything more about it. But ha it sounds like brilliance in the making... Wonder if I can find some programmers who'd be interested in the project.

This fucking dragon... His story has eaten so many hours of my life.

Anyway, back to my life at present. I'm sitting at the SLC again and contemplating life. That and my gut feels funny. Probably due to the random foodz that's been going into it. And on that matter I need to get off of WoW since I haven't been productive with it. Along the same note, I need to do other stuff that actually is productive. Yeah this game. It's eating my soul even if I keep getting frame rate spikes and what not. BLAH. I need to be productive my good sirs. PRODUCTIVE :( Which as you may know I'm presently not being. As for other things on my mind at the very least I can say that I'm trying to move out of my present situation of being homeless and what not. And on a side note I have other shit I have to do. Though the above really needs to have a finish for several reasons such as my sanity.


*breathe in, breathe out* Live. Okies luvs I've got places  to go and stuff to do. I'll be back soon maybe?

9/28/11 Craving Phở

For much of the day 2 things seem to be coming to mind. 

1. I am so fucking out of it.

2. I really want some Phở.

And in case you don't know what Phở is... 

Yes that delicious beefy noodle soup that the Vietnamese gave to the world... That decadent concoction of broth and rice noodles and veges and what not. I want it :( But ya see I live in a world that is rather... limited. Not only on the ingredient front but also in many other forms/fashions. And though I would love a delicious helping of Phở to make my day go round... There is only 1 restaurant in the area that offers it :(

Which of course leads to the simple question of, Fen why don't you be a man and cook it yourself? And the simple answer... I would... But oh right I don't have a home even at the moment and I'm broke... and the ingredients would be a several day long endeavor to find in Tallahassee...

In the end Phở preparation can be broken down into...:

1. Meat/Bone
2. Spice
3. Veges
4. Rice Noodles
5. Time

1. Let's start with the base for the broth... Stewing bones and brisket and what not? Easy Winn-Dixie probably has it. Ok well that's not too hard. Tail bones? Wal-Mart MIGHT keyword MIGHT have it. Which is to say I don't put much stock in them actually having it when I suddenly decide to want to make a batch. The key being that I need a piece of bone with marrow. The flavor of the broth is accentuated by the presence of marrow juices being boiled into the actual broth... Good quality brisket shouldn't be too hard either. Hell I'll use raw corned beef if I'm in the need. 

2. Spice.... Black Cardomum, white and black pepper, ginger, rock salt, soy sauce, a splash of a million and one other things... UGH :( I don't even have pepper at the moment. I think the Asian market might have most of the stuff I'm looking for. And what they don't have I'm pretty sure I can substitute other things into for practical purposes. Lime slices and MSG with some sugar and possibly a liberal splashing of Shriacha for good measure...

3. Veges. Relatively easy one. Just need basil, mint, bean sprouts, cilantro, scallions and possibly some other random freshies. The point of the veges is to counter balance the presence of flavors and present a unique splash of crisp to counter the soft and chewy textures of the noodles with the brisket/other meats. Of course I can't get the legit stuff (like from Vietnam legit), so I'll just have to make due with the imitations or the American variants. Meh and green bean sprouts are a bitch to find unless you live in an area with a high Asian population.

4. Noodles will likely be the easiest on this quest. I can get them at most places with an "ethnic" aisle but I want to make the legit stuff so I'll probably end up going back to the Asian market and buying a batch there.

5. And of course the most important part of this grand tour of adventurous proportions is the time I must allocate into producing what I want. Phở traditionally takes 6+ hours of slow cooking in order to infuse the broth with the essence of the soup. I don't have a pot to my name even... So. No Phở for me :(

Anyway back to other things. I think I'll end up just shelving out the $9 for a bowl of the stuff from the out of the way place... Though one of these days I'll get around to having my place and inviting some people over for a Phở party of sorts :)

Sound good luvs? Come and join me then.

9/27/11 Knock me out

I think I'm getting poisoned... What else explains why I'm tired all the time? On another note, miss Kyle. He's still sick and I wish I could be there to make him feel better. Ugh.... So so sore. This lethargy... And the dreams, what do they mean?

9/26/11 Dead Tired

Placeholder? Yeah Fen is dying at the moment.

Fen was dead tired. In short. Basically. Death or Somos or some other entity sapped his life force. And as he attempted to survive, the world around him started spinning and next thing he noticed... He was passed out on his friend's couch and didn't wake up until the next morning at 6. To that effect he still doesn't know exactly what happened?

Part of him suspects that it's probably due to the high concentration of sugar in his diet and he simply crashed due to said sugar. So for the next few days he's likely to try various other things to test if that's really what's been happening...

9/25/11 - Sleep

So I basically fucked up my grand plans of typing out one of these each day :( I for the most of the day passed the fuck out.

Kyle was ill and while attempting to console him, I think a rock fell out of the sky and hit me. And then... I dunno. I'll pull a make up with a more detailed one for the 26th.

9/24/11 A Day Away

Hmmm, where to start... where to begin. I'm not really sure... Um, just awake at the moment. Theres a bit on my mind of course, not only of the stuff on mind, but of what must be done. My gpu is still iffy at bet. which really is quite annoying. On another note, things might be on the bright for me. I really want some time with my bf...

9/23/11 Café

So tell me luv what about today do you want? What have I done to make you want it and most importantly, what can I do to change your experience? All of these are valid questions. And all are interesting pieces of what make the day interesting.

I'm presently sitting in an internet café. It's kitschy and interesting. Smells of a mix of lemon cleaner and the remnants of my semi-carib lunch. I'm uncomfortably bloated and more and more feeling the effects of being jobless :( Meh.

Being homeless sucks as much also and I've yet again pulled a 24 hour awake period. One which is fucking with my mind and making me feel woozy. Sadly I'm going to have to stay awake at least for a while since I've got things to do. Coffee Hour starts soon. Something I've been looking forwards to. It'd be very nice to have something to do and or visit once in a while. I can legitly say I lived here for a bit. After WotLK came out (ironically the same week my laptop imploded), I transferred the core files onto my drive and ended up using these gaming comps for it. Yeah, I used to live here for the duration of getting to 80...

It's probably a sign that I'm back here. I feel strangely at ease here. The people are nice, and around me are surrounded by a quality that's hard to say.

___

Since the above I've transferred my location to another veritable lovely spot on campus. The Global Engagement Center, a lovely and warm location. The sun filters through the rain clouds today and I'm enriched by the feeling here. It's but a fleeting sun, one that gets dispersed and bent and moved with the day. I stare at the clouds, at the shapes and the colors and feel at peace. It's getting late of course. But still.

The coffee hour is set up and coming. The people here are enjoying themselves. I sit here at my desk and enjoy not only my time with them but also the times to come. A stragler in black walks by, he's here for the coffee I think. He taps the door handle testing it and is pleased that it opens without struggle. He stands in the center of the room for a moment, unable to really decide much on what's happening. He eyes the fruit punch as it passes by him. Not saying anything he sits down. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. He's trying to get involved with the below group.

Two Southern Asians are sitting together next to me. Indian maybe? Nice people from their tone of voice. Soft and somewhat pleasing to the ears. They're discussing something. They don't like talking about politics for whatever reason. They're interested in science and so with the guy in black they're conversing about physics or something else scientific. I'm not going to get into it. Mainly because I have nothing to give.

It's not filling up as fast as I had remembered. There's less than 10 people here.


I'll wait and see where things lead. This guy who just walked past. I can smell something on him. Something off. Well no not smell, I can sense it.

9/22/11 I'm not the Product or the Sum

It's a god forsaken hour of the evening and in my efforts to stay awake, I've inevitably discovered that I can only be semi-productive at this time.

So...

1. I am not the product or the sum of my or anyone elses' fears. Rather I am myself, a different and unique collection of thoughts and ideas. I am not only a strength but also someone people can look up to.
2.  All the negativity that surrounds me. It doesn’t make me, me. Rather it’s something that is. Nothing more. I refuse to let it be the defining feature as to how I make this day.
3. I may not be in the best of situations now, or have been in the past/recent. But that still isn’t an excuse to give up hope.

And on top of all of that, I really need a healthier sleep schedule. One that doesn't involve me passing out randomly during my day. Ugh :(

9/21/11 Future Plans

One short phrase comes to mind. I am in pain. That is all.

So instead of being productive as I had originally wanted to be, I invited myself to one of the many fine library establishments here on FSU's campus, sat my ass down and while attempting to be productive, face planted on my notebook. It would seem that though I am quite capable of attempting to stay awake for long period of time, I can't really do it well. I'll get groggy inevitably after x amount of time and after that simply faceplant.


In today's case I face planted on my notebook and was able to at least put my laptop on sleep mode before. Which is probably for the best. And so while I contemplate Brewfest activities, here sitting in the receding light. I can't help but to wonder if my days are really devolving into this. So yeah it's dark outside now. When I entered here a whiles ago, it was about the same... Or at least it looked about the same outside anyway.

I'm gonna go and vanish for a bit maybe. Just put my head down on something cold and calm down...

9/20/11 Seclusion

I’m actually in a library at 7 in the morning. It’s goddamn amazing.

Wait nope not 7 anymore. I started typing this a while ago and it would appear that I’m no longer as functional in mind or in body as I would have otherwise hoped to be. So instead… I’m sitting at this laptop still giving my heart out. It would appear that since I have such a fucked up sleep schedule (working off of 4 hours seems plausible for my body and mind for whatever reason) and the fact that I can’t simply nod off as I had originally wanted to… Well no I wasn’t planning on actually sleeping here. Nap maybe. Because I’ve definitely done that in past years. In this grand test of my own abilities in urban survival, I have found a lovely secluded area that I can tap into Wifi and continue job hunting.

And at this stage, I’m not going to be as selective. It’s been a month since I last had valid employment. :/ Yeah it sucks but hey that’s life for ya. Optimism is seriously going to be the death of me one of these days. That or processed foods. Probably the former as it’ll tell me that the latter is actually nourishment and I’ll proceed to be nomming on my McDoom burger combo with extra-large fries and get an aneurysm from the resulting complications. Ugh unhealthy world I’m in… and the effects of it are slowly, but surely killing me.

I wonder if he really expects me to do half of what he’s subtly hinting at. The BF isn’t a particularly open person about most matters but when he isn’t, he tries these annoying little mind tricks on me that I don’t always appreciate. Well it’s not like they aren’t fun to play at sometimes but  at others, it can be a bit of a bother. Masterminds of dark puppetry hm? Not too far off from the point. Though I prefer to have my marionettes dance with a level of freedom, I guess at times I influence them in ways I don’t intend to as well. Hmm. It’s as if I have a piece of the past simply appeared and change the destinies of hundreds of people. Or ignore the dispatch and suffer basically the same.

Where was I but a year ago? I was here. Standing in these shoes yet again. Well no, not exactly these shoes. I’m back in this part of Florida but I was in a relatively more stable atmosphere than I am now. And I wasn’t feeling like I’m going crazy… And and and… Oh I need a life ;(

9/19/11 Blind

I'm blind. Well no just visions really really blurry. Like dialating like crazy blurry. That or just fuzzy. Like the words I'm typing right now. They're blurri-er than normal. :(

So why am I like this? Well tried some from the box of contacts that I have on me. The new Oasys line (nope not really new since I tried it before). They're nice lenses in the sense that they're soft and pliable. And supposedly they let your eyes breathe. But this batch. I can see the world vibrate to my heartbeats. That and I can't really see the screen even though it's only a foot and a half from my eyes. Ugh :( Going blind this old one is.

And on top of all of that, I've yet to remedy my homelessness. Or the fact that my head is wrapping around other concepts. Ugh. Head hurts and need to nap. Nap more. Please.

9/18/11 Oh Bother.

"Why are you sad?" I texted him this morning.


Still waiting for a response.


And I think I might have fucked something up. But then again. It is complicated. There's nothing really truthful either way. Can't really say I'm in a relationship with a shadow. And then again I can't really say anything to the contrary because I'm not really alone am I? Am I?

This'll likely be the last day I'm here. Rather than prolong the inevitable deep-set resentment that I end up feeling or letting others feel about me. I'll move on, being a shadow. One that drifts from yesterday, to today, to tomorrow.

I've got to stop being the issue and instead start being the solution. To my own faults, to everything that starts. To truly start living, I have to break free of some of the bullshit that I allowed to settle on myself.

I'm still kinda down. To be honest. I miss being any definition of stable. My relationship is rockyish with situations popping up more frequently. I'm stressed out of my mind due to various fuckeries and oh yeah I'm still homeless *facepalm* Which of course leads to me contemplating an exit strategy that would at the very least allow me some peace of mind if nothing else.

I need time with the people I'm close to, preferably now.

9/17/11 Cuddles

It's a lazy kind of day. One that I need cuddles in.

There's a big game on campus tonight. Oklahoma and FSU? Would I care about it. Probably not. It's just not really in my nature to.

Tonight's gonna suck for this city. With the game there are 2 outcomes. Victory or Defeat. Its one of those there is no middle ground kinda situations. And you know for most of this city. Victory or Defeat have the same outcome. It's gonna suck.

Think of it this way. If the home team LOSES. People are gonna get upset, possibly cause violence against the away team fans/players. And then get depressed and go home and get drunk and possibly devulge into self degredation over things.

Now... If the home team WINS... People will go get drunk and then party/club tonight and end up everywhere drunk driving and puking their guts up and other stuff like that... UGH.. NASTY PEOPLES...

But no I'm Ok for the time being I don't want them to be here. But yeah I have no power over them.

Instead I'll consider the prospect of getting my Kyle with me and murring him up right. Well hanging out would be great too. And then fattening meal of random stuff that can't be healthy... UGH. I'll end up in a King sized bed and we'll cuddle to watching Cartoon Network. :)

UGH NEED JOB TO SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT...

9/16/11 Nostrum

It's said that if you truly want to change something you have to do it yourself. To give away your doubt and simply "do it." Is that what I've set myself for? Hard to say. But yes I have something that I've been meaning to do and something else that I need to fix. Which of course means that I'll probably end up doing both in due time in such a means as to allow myself the effort to finish them both.

Though allow probably isn't the right word for this situation. Instead... How about contemplate? Maybe.

I got in a fight with my beloved these past few days. And it's hurt me and him both. I can't say I know how things are from his point of view. And at times I even wonder what things are like from mine.

I'm hurting. I probably have a stoic exterior that doesn't betray anything. But deep down I'm hurting. It's been a journey to say the least. One that has been wrought with situations and even more so with issues.

Who knows.

Also to note. Drinking alone is depressing. Tweeting it to the world... even more so. Getting responses from strangers who would spend time with you, so you aren't so lonely. Priceless.

I'm likely to get kidnapped for a primere of the Lion King tonight... Wonder how that'll go.

9/15/11 Who's Hurting Now?

Nigel Thornberry was in my dream last night. Ship wrecked upon a tropical island, he ran up a trail to talk with the natives. I had a talisman. Gradients. Shaped like a Bean a large bean with gradients. What looks like Ancient Chinese carved into it. I held power and respect for being a shaman in their community. It felt interesting. And that amulet. I felt as if I had seen it before. It's strangely foggy and yet so close to me.... I want to find it in real life.

In other news. The relationship with the bf is rocky again. It would seem I'm yet again at fault. Or maybe I'm not. It's largely how one views the situation I guess.

I got pissed of in the wee hours of the morning by a douche bag. One does not joke with me about stealing my boyfriend. If that was what he meant. Still not cool.

In general I really don't know.

Meh I'm still not over things it would seem. I'm far from a perfect/ideal/stable minded individual. I breakdown semi-regularly. I end up hurting myself and others. I have destructive moods and suicidal tendencies. And once in a while I'll implode in myself and feel like a worthless wolfie.

Bah, enough of the self-degredation. I'm one of the social zodiac signs. I get smacked around like a street hooker but I have it in me to keep going.. But that in itself is also degrading behavior. It doesn't help much of anything and only causes me to fall deeper into a pit of my own self-loathing.

Whatever this issue is with Kyle. It'll fix itself. And if it doesn't I'll live. It'll hurt. But I'll live.

Always live as if things will last forever. Always be willing to believe they will. Even if they don't. If you can say you tried. Well. That's something powerful isn't it?

9/14/11 Ignore

I've been ignoring something for a while now. Namely my parents. Well no they haven't done anything particularly wrong for me to dislike them to such a degree as to ignore them this much... Or even the fact that I have absolutely nothing to worry about if I should so choose to not give a fuck as to what they say.

Well maybe. They do seem to be funneling half if not most of my mail at the present. I.E. I haven't gotten a single package in about a month because my address listed is technically the one in Saint Augustine. Well no letters either. So technically something uber important (maybe like a diploma) could have been sent to a non-existent address and thus could lead to me not recieving anything that would otherwise be deemed useful at my expense.

Alternatively I could probably note that my job searching hasn't been fruitful. Wonder if I can bug some of my old NS peeps into securing me a position. Wouldn't be the first time I've networked for my own gain, but then again do I really want to use the I worked with you, please help me get another job so I'm not nearly as broke card. Yes... At this stage in the game being that I've been back in town for 3 weeks now, I think I will have to. :(

Today in general has been meh. I haven't gotten around to doing anything productive and as of that fact it means that I'm nearing the middle of my 3rd week back and still haven't found a purpose or meaning. But ya know I'm optimistic yet.

Depressing as my story is. There is always a silver lining to everything that happens or is said or spoken, or is done.

I'm alive. I have a loving boyfriend. And most importantly I have faith in myself and my abilities. If charm won't get me far in life, then ingenuity and dedication will.

9/13/11 Out of Your Hair

Tomorrow. I'll be away from here. It's Tuesday or at least I can assume it's Tuesday. Because looking outside and seeing a dreary overcast sky really doesn't tell me enough about the weather or the sky or anything about any of all of this for me to truly know if today is any different than yesterday or the previous. Which brings me to today in it's rather late form/style/functionality.

I think my stay in this particular local has finally come to a close. I can tell I've gotten on my friend's nerves and I value her as a friend so I'll be out of here soon enough. I'll take this evening as an opportunity to pack up my miscellanea and by tomorrow eve I'll have moved out of this location and on to my next destination . 

Quite possibly I'm onto somewhere else. Or maybe I never moved at all because that would require me to have been from one location to the next. I have a feeling I know whom I'll be with next though as my resources have allocated enough places for me to feel comfortable in.

I miss the bf. His antics and sexual what nots are cute and if anything enjoyable to read. But that's not saying much as to anything of validity. Hm... he's being a horny little mutt at this time. Well a bit more than usual. I wonder if I've changed his chemistry some how.

Which of course probably means I'm just stressing over myself again. For some senseless jargoning bs.

Well it's a given that I'm stressing. Stress has become a regular part of my life and I do worry about lots of things. The least problematic at the current moment of course is the fact that I'm stressing over myself.

9/12/11 Crock.

It's hard to believe that it's actually Monday evening already. Because as it feels, I can't even tell what day it is. And for that matter the only reason why I even know it's Monday is because someone noted me the fact that they had class this morning. And then I was like oh shit class? And then I think to myself and shake my head as I realize that I'm homeless and classless still.

And so it's the start of my 3rd week back in Tallahassee. Things have started settling down and for the most part I'm mellowing out and becoming who I thought I'd be. I'm still getting shitty anxiety attacks once in a while but for the most part I think I'm ok.

And even more interesting lies the fact that I'm divesting more time into writing. Which as of the late hasn't been the top thing on my mind. But as a Creative Writing major, probably should lie as one of my priorities. Whether it be physical writing in the form of my magical notebooks or on this or other blogs. I do consider the fact that I'm a writer to be one of the most fundamental things in my life that others can't take away.

Well considering of course the fact that I'm technically living out of my suitcases... Meh that's a different story/world of BS.


Anyway this week starts a renewed effort for me to finally tap into my old school email account. Or rather get enough courage/balls to actually do it.

And that reminds me of something I've been meaning to do. Namely come out of the closet. It's a big ordeal nonetheless. I want to be free of that chain and though it might not really do much for me in any compensatable sense, I'll let that relief subside the darkness that manifests over me. or within me, or around me. Or on me.

But I digress, I have shit to get done luvs. Note me?

9/11/11 Realizations

A part of me does wonder sometimes exactly what it is about me that attracts strangers. I'm not really anything particularly special.

And yes that's enough of me putting myself down. Because as a gemini I'm more than well aware that I exude charm. Well maybe not so much charm.... As uhm... something else? A pheremone that goes across the internet? Doesn't sound like it'd make sense but something like that.

A part of me is made of a smug bastard. He gazes at me and wonders to himself what am I put on this planet to do? Charm works by appealing to the needs of the person being charmed. Well, what do these people need of me? It would seem the majority of people crave affection of some sort or another that they don't get enough in their normal relationships. But what purpose does that lie in what I am?

Affections nice. Don't get me wrong. I love it. I love being someone who's there for people. Someone who gives off the random *hug* or *snuggle* when you're down. But is it really helping anyone?

I really can't tell. This charm of mine seems to be hurting people just as much as it helps them.

Everyone it seems. Myself included.

Because when I allow myself to view the world in such a way, I unintentionally end up fucking myself over. Because affection is like a drug. Something that exists in this world to show you just how mortal you really are.


I guess then, I'll take a breathe. Calm my mind and focus my heart.

No Kyle I'm not mad at you in case you were wondering. Just going through a lot right now. And stressed.

Join me in a dream of today, so we can fly to tomorrow.

9/10/11 - Procrastinate!

I've been procrastinating a bit too long. Well maybe not long enough if I can actually think that I'm procrastinating for too short of a time.  Or maybe it's just a sign that I really should get to all of the things I've been meaning to do for god knows how long since I've considered them.

Confusing enough?

Well it really shouldn't be.

Basically it's been 2 weeks since I've gotten back into Tallahassee. I'm mildly depressed and part of me is seriously questioning my ability to do anything constructive with my time. I've been sulking for the most part at my friends place. Whit's been very gracious to let me stay for as long as I have but I don't want to overstay my welcome.

Which is probably why I'm gonna have to vanish soonish. Or not so much vanish as find other accommodations for my own disposal.

One of these days I want to be rich enough to have my own wine cellar. A not necessarily large room, but comfortably spacious location stocked with taste selections from around the world. A wall dedicated to the sweet and delicious desert wines that tantalize the pallet. Transitioning on each side in a circle of color are the ambers, the roses, the blushes until the colors change to the dark purple and deep murado :)

That transition of color is something that I'd love. In the center of the room is a separate circular cooler of sorts. A storage of special wines that I've either been meaning to try or have simply left out to remind me that they're available.

9/09/11 Crack Chicken

Because this evening. I told myself I wasn't gonna spend monies and I definitely got chicken again. Where else but Hip Hop would supply my addiction to the delicious meaty flavor that is this chicken...

It's probably a drug front for some illegal buisness or another that sells crack... But ya know. A man's gotta eat. And crack's tasty or at least addictive.

Still at Whit's place and it's probably a sign of the best that I'll be moving out soon. I don't want to be much of a burden to her.

DAMN THESE WINGS ARE GOOD.

Cheap is another great word, for price and not for quality. A delicious and amazingly awesome contrast to the random foodz I've been eating these last few days. I need to eat healthier... And lose weight. And make plans.

And most of all I seem to be in a good mood over all. Which is probably a good thing.

I think this was a good week. Yes It was.

9/08/11 I Miss You

Simple phrasing of the 3^rd kind that comes to mind on this evening before the start of the weekend.

Today’s headlines brought to you by the not so adventurous group of individuals from that place far far away and who really don’t know what the hell is going on.

Are we good now I ask myself? Has everything gotten better now that I’ve been able to see things as they should be? Well Yes and No. I really can’t say I know what I want out of life and as that may be the fact as to why I’m rambling.

I’m wearing my jade bracelet again. And I’m having a headache :( Maybe more later.

9/07/11 Of the Speaker, The Words Spoken

I’ve had a mostly lazy day. But that usually is a sign that my night is going to be if nothing else: Intense.

Or rather now that I have no excuse not to write. I’m going to put into a notebook of questionable content as much of my mind and soul as I can muster this semester. Ha Ha I still think of the world in semesters. But even then I still live in a college town, and for a large part of it, I think of the world in this way.

Still jobless/homeless if you cared or wondered. It’s been way more than a week since I’ve gotten back and yes I know I’m not doing everything I possibly could to fix this situation that I’m in. I’ll just have to try harder. There’s plenty of things I could potentially do. I’ll just have to consider my options in more depth and go from there right? Well that’s the point of my newest Journal. The one from Summer didn’t get filled with even a quarter of the stuff that I should have written in it. And so this one is going to be much much more filleded.

Writing is a passion for me as much as it is a pastime. It’s a means by which I can give back to myself well my future self anyway. Each grouping of words is a way that I can keep a piece of this memory alive. I’m not growing any younger anyway. I’m an old bastard and that’s a sad fact. Well no not really that old. I’m only in my 22^nd year. Which means I’ve only hit what. 89^th season? A pretty big number if I do say so myself. And hell I’d have hit 154ish in dog years by now. But no. I digress.

On a totally different note, I’m talking to Kyle again. His emotional ass finally relented and apologized to me. Which of course by how I just worded this makes me sound like a douche bag. But ya know I wasn’t one. He was just being himself and all submissive and what not and I was myself. I’m still with him and no I haven’t done anything else to fuck this up. Well yet. So Bah. Have shit to get in order now. So loves and pokes to all of my online buds.

9/06/11 Quiet

Trouble always seems to find its way into my life. Whether I caused it or not. Well ok, the majority of the trouble in my life are side effects of things I may have influenced and seemingly is a result of the ripple effect that comes to be because of those actions. It’s sorta like the butterfly effect. How changing one pebble in a story can lead to rather devastating effects later on.

Well in my story it’s not pebbles but words that are changers. Or rather to be specific with the instance, tonight’s issue came around as a result of the lack of communication that exists. Anyway I got in a fight with J tonight. Something that seems to happen on a semi-regular basis. I’m a Gemini I think of the unbelievable number of possible tangents that’re out there. I bend equations, I bend the rules, I bend things to suit my needs. But up to late I can’t seem to bend anything in this relationship to flatten out. If we’re not going from an astrological point of view. It just feels like my personality is being mitigated. That a level or quality of me is unbecoming itself. For instance tonight’s fight J invited me to a chat with someone I wasn’t a particular fan of. Ok. Big Deal. Right?

Nope.

Rather than saying sorry and letting things move on. I give him 5 minutes of silent treatment and he falls off the deep end with thoughts of depression and how he’s so sorry that he needs time alone. Note of course that I’m trying to stay level minded. Yes it irks me but no I don’t really give a damn. Not at all. It’s only because he made it an issue that I’m even turning my head in the corner of the issue.

In short he’s tooo submissive. It’s one thing if you have someone who’s willing to be your mate and you and he have tense issues once in a while. But this really is starting to get to me. No I’m not going to say that I’m some kind of perfect being that’s incapable of fault. That’d be a goddamn lie and I will be the first person to note that. I’m not expecting him to be someone perfect either. It’s this silent treatment that I’m getting.

Alone is one thing. Avoiding a topic is something different. I just wanted to have a mildly social evening of maybe talking. Maybe enjoying his company. Maybe a bit of WoW intersparsed with a taste of melancholy roses. No well not that last one anyway. I wanted company in this cold and somewhat barren landscape. A quality that obviously I must deny even myself if that’s the case. And he seriously wonders why I end up making friends with people all over the world. At times this relationship leaves a hole in my chest. A burning pain that fucks with me so much that I’m angry not only myself but everything around it. Some people fill these holes with acts of religion or wealth or power. I realize that this is simply a quality of life I know as mild betrayal. But I must remain a level head in this world. A being that surpasses qualities that exist all around me. I have to fucking move on. If not from him then at least to making contacts that I’m comfortable talking to.

I don’t want every conversation to be a situation where I feel at blame to the end of it. Isn’t that what being with Fao was supposed to have taught me? Or is it that J’s latent manipulation abilities are finally kicking in? Either way I know that I’m going to have to find my truth in the world. I need to find the one thing out there that will bind me to reason so I can have a level mind. A friend.

Kal could have filled that void in me. But he has his own issues that I can’t really help with. I am a Gemini. My dual personalities have fucked up my life as much as is and maybe sometime in the near future I’ll regret having typed any of this message. But I need it for now. I need to voice what’s hurting me deep inside. Maybe it’s not as badly as it was before. Maybe I’m just too good at suppressing my own feelings. I really don’t know what else to say. Maybe tomorrow?

9/05/11 Vanilla Bean Dreams

So today's been interesting. Interesting in more than one way. But I guess we'll start with the title.

I bought my first ever vanilla bean today. Nothing special right? Probably not. But I love vanilla. The smell, the light oily texture of the bean. The rich brown... It's amazing how much magic can be inside of this little bean. Hm... It's BS but certain keys of mine don't work... in Trillian. Meh. Having to type it in a 3rd party page and cutting and pasting it back into my chat boxes is kinda annoying.

But meh, enough of that. Back to my day and rather how things have been.


The dreams portion of the title references 2 occurrences this. One is that in a dream someone who was bitchy to me the past few day, I ended up hearing her side of the story and before I thought it through decided to forgive her. After waking up and thinking about the logic behind the dream.... I ended up saying FUCK THAT SHIT. Because it really wasn't logical. So instead I'm back here. Crashing at my friends place and pending this coming week.

As for the other one. Vanilla beans will likely be in them. The smell of the bean is left near where I'm sleeping. The smell permeates the air and makes the world around me sickly sweet.

9/04/11 Oh Sookie

Had a deep discussion on the validity and stupidity of True Blood today... Why is Sookie a faerie of all things...

On an equally unrelated matter, almost didn't get to tonight's entry :( Type more tommorow.

9/03/11 Plan Harder

I really do seem to be at odds with myself at times. Or rather at odds with what I can do and what I should be doing. It's Wednesday.. Wait a moment No.... Saturday. WTF am I thinking? *sigh* I don't even have a grasp on the concept of time anymore.


I can't really disclose where I am since I really don't know the address for this place but I'm in Tally.

My gut hurts (probably a nasty side effect to having way way too many hot wings). And I'm lying here typing away at my computer screen. It's like what day 3 or 4 now of lag central on my laptop, which as it stands means that I'm having a horrid time with anything remotely entertainment-valued.

But I'll get to the bottom of this asap. Blizzard reps are adding me with random shit as we speak and with any luck we'll come to the core of my issues. I'd really like my world to stop being so fucked up.

Thanks :)

9/02/11 A Patch of Today

It's the second day of this glorious month of September and I for one am less depressed. Well no maybe not really but my chest pains haven't been so incapacitating that I'm stuck doing nothing in no where land.

Still crashing with a friend and that's likely to change soon so more power to me. Gonna have to figure out some new arrangements and seriously grab a job soon though so I really dun know what'll be up.

And it's a long weekend :) Really looking forward to that.

Well no not really. It's just one more day of me wondering and being depressed over things that never should have been an issue if only I had had the balls to fix them in the first place.

I've got plans though. And that is the most important part of it all. I'll post them later when I get a chance.

9/01/11 - A Dream of Months Ago

I ended up making friends with someone from my past again. He's shed off the cloak of oppression and in a completely chance like nature, we struck up a conversation. I apologized and my past was forgiven. But in all of it. It's forced me into looking into the past again. A painful reminder of what I am and how far I've come since then.

A relationship is a connection. A temporal bond between one or more entities in this great cosmos. As I consider each of these bonds that I've had. Each formed by chance encounter, sparked further by a hand outreached, one offering compassionate words; a friendly smile; that possibility for something more. I need to realize that they are and will forever be something that I can only try and move forward from.

They've changed me. For better or worse. Each of these relationships is a facet of a stained glass window that sheds light on my fears, dark desires and unrelenting thirst for something. Something I've come to realize is acceptance. I crave that approving nod, the hand gesture that means you're someone... All of it. If I was to think of it from a psychological point of view. I'd have to say that this mentality was sparked from my childhood. One that was not so unlike most peoples. I wasn't the best of children and would get my fair share of beatings. But after a bit, I simply realized that most of my life my parents simply ignored anything I accomplished. It didn't matter what I did. I could have been crowned prince of a foreign country but it wasn't good enough for them. And so I would attempt to sate that hunger from other sources. Friends, Teachers, Strangers. I'd put on a facade. A mask of a caring, smug bastard. One who wants nothing more than to grovel before the world.

I guess it's largely because of that I feel so hurt at times. Each time I finally think that the amount of my heart and soul I've dedicated is enough, Fate comes by and disapprovingly looks at me. He grasps a fine blade and severs my bonds, dropping my chains closer and closer to the dungeon that is hell. Why yes even if I'm not religious I believe in the concept of a hell. Though for me there is no fire or brimstone. Hell or Hel as I view it is more similar to the Norse perception. A frozen dungeon, The dead are not punished with pain and torturing. They are forever cast into a lot where they must relive their past. Each negative action that hurt them to be perceived from every angle, each idea that difference could happen forever consuming the damned. Yes that is my Hel.

And though I've all but slipped into it. I yet am alive. For some crazy reason I'm on this planet still. I haven't gone mad, I haven't sunken into myself and I haven't taken my own life. Been close to it several times. Why yes. But no I haven't. Too fucking logical for my own good. I've wanted to die so much sometimes. Just a slip of a knife I'd think... One too many sleeping pills with a glass of wine. But calculations came into place. WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.

That madam is the reason why I'm alive. The fucking what ifs of the world keep my alive. What if the knife isn't sharp enough, I'd collapse from blood loss long before I finish myself off. What if the pills are too old and thus ineffectivated by time?

I guess it's Fate's purpose for me then. That I must continue this existence. And so OK. I'll be here, existing. Fulfilling tasks and quests, purposes. Each a means of excelling to the next expanse. A means by which I can become more attuned with myself. If I am to remain, then I must find a means to function. I am alive and yes I am here.