Your Ad Here

Saturday, December 31, 2011

12/31/11 And On this day.

And on this day I did say. FUCK IT. :)

Well it is new years. Well it should be new years in a few hours. 4ish EST.

It's gonna be a long night for me as I've got things to do. Lots and lots of things. And these things must be done soonisher rather than later-er.

TURTLE!
Today was a beach sorta day. Mantanzas state park was graced by my presence and I was able to catch a photo of some varient of elusive turtle before his gracefulness slipped back beneath the waves. His tiny flippers dainty gadgets of superior water movement whose form echoed sentiments of freedom as he paddled beneath the waves. Well no it could be a she. Or an assexual turtle. As an individual who was not about to jump off the bridge to make sure one way or another, I can only assume that this was indeed a male turtle.

Among other things I got pictures of...  2 tortoises conversering. Or sunbathing. Or ya know whatever gopher tortoises do in their spare time. These two seemed perfectly content sitting there as I gawked at them and snapped several pictures. For all I know they could be dueling for mating rights or ya know waiting for some hot female tortoise to stumble slowly by.


Oh and this guy. Girl/hermaphrodite. I dunno. I think sea urchins are herms right? Well it was alive. creepy little thing with those little spikes of it's moving around like they were. Found 2 of them actually, this being the second one. Though I must kinda admit that that little mouth and beak of its were cute and that in general this little one was quite interesting to examine and in general contemplate over. How his existence was different today of all days because a monster removed him from his aquatic environment to touch him all over. It's an interesting sensation to have a sea urchin walk over you. Much like having a sea star do the same thing. Kinda like hundreds of little needles tapping parts of your hand to see if it's safe to walk on and then gingerly each one moves a little. And then turn your head and it's moved out of your hand and back onto the sand. The waves lapping the world slowly away and the sea urchin back on to it's own buisness and searching for that next clump of algae to nom on. For that's really all it cares about. It doesn't give a shit about the world around it or how it's probably going to be an endangered species soon. Nope in the end, it's just content being itself.

It'll be the new year soon. A new chance for me to begin anew. And ya know live and be happy and whatever else.

Friday, December 30, 2011

12/30/11 DOWN WITH ULFRIC!

On the day of your death we will drink and we'll sing.







Yes this girl again. I am in love with her voice. She truly has a bard's voice. Which is probably why I've listened to the above song about 10+ish times.

Among other things that happened today... I finally got my license (yeah I know, bad Asian driver jokes aside), it's useless to be honest. The only reason I had my permit to begin with was that I needed a form of Identification when I traveled (don't bother going to an airport without one or your passport). But yeah yours truly has a license now. It's just a piece of plastic that verifies that my organs can be harvested in the event of my traumatic death. Well not hoping I die. I have a week before the job's recruiters message me back about their decision. And 2 weeks before I get the most amazing sex I've yet to have.

Yes indeed. I should get around to finishing my arrangements for my plans to California. Going out for a weekend. One full of spontaneous sex. Fun. And general mischief. I'm really looking forward to seeing my old friends though. Some of them I haven't talked to in several months.

And oh yeah, I got experience butchering today. Diced a duck into many small pieces. Not fun sirs and madams. Especially with a cleaver that wasn't particularly heavy. Cleavers work in the cookery world by many forms, each part of the blade specifically suited for a different task, be it chopping, slicing, dicing and/or transport. The cleaver I was using was balanced well, but the rather stubby nature of the handle made placement for my medium-sized hands awkward.

But that's a different story and one that isn't much onto my present state of mind.

I'm content. And that's saying a lot about me right now.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

12/29/11 Well that was irritating / numbing

So I forgot the password to my laptop for all of 5 minutes. And while my frustration boiled as I typed in every combination of random jibberish I had in my notebooks (I have a feeling a few of them might actually be passwords. The rest are just random shit that came to mind as I was doing other stuff that needed my attention.

Also my eyes are numb. contacts were a wise move as I needed driving experience. 

And I perfected my mapo tofu dish :) It seems the key of course is to add half->1 tablespoon of Szechuan Pepper. Grind them first in a mortar and pestle to get a nice even consistency powder. This of course is the true key to the dish. The Ma or ้บป literally translates to numb. I wanna say. This feeling is hard to/impossible to replicate in most dishes and as such, the component of the Szechuan Pepper is absolutely important. In my previous attempts with the dish I would end up using an excess amount of ground chili pepper and pre-prepared/store bought chili sauce. And while this preperation is quite passable for common fare, it is necessary to realize that while common fare is fine; adding additional touches to truly excite the pallet makes for a much more enjoyable dining experience.

To note though, adding the Szechuan Pepper added a texture issue with the finished dish. In the grinding of the peppercorns, I came to realize that the finished product was a mix of dust, small twigs and crushed peppercorns. This of course leaves a grit like mouth-feel. The flavor booster comes from the crushed nature of the pepper, and as such I can't simply omit it :( I'll need to work on this some more in order to truly get my mind around such a conundrum.

In the morning, I'll be getting my driver's license. Bout time too. But meh. That's as useless as anything else I force upon myself. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

12/28/11 Damage Over Time

The title actually isn't random. Though you may think it to be. Rather than suspect that it's just something that popped up off the top of my head, you may instead deem it a wonder and then realize that it does have a meaning that's neither odd nor perplexing. For in the end I do neither and have both.

Below are 2 tweets I kidnapped off of my twitter because I got bored and because they're quite truthful about me. 

As a  you react instantly to new situations,but because you're so keenly attuned to your environment, you have a nervous temperament.

As a  one problem is that instead of looking at people's deeper qualities, you tend to judge them by their reaction to you.   

But yes DoT. What's that about? Uhm. Well it could mean 2 things. The first being exactly what I typed as in x effect that affects a target and deals some form of damage over a set period of time. The latter being that I have something that's been planned and it's culminating soon.


Ah yes and another quote: "Like a disney movie without hidden sexual inuendo!"


But not much has happened.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

12/27/11 Predictions a.k.a. My Love of Apples

Though of course the following is much less likely to be what one might call "predictions" so much as what I kinda would hope would happen/I know will happen.

I really want a bottle of Calvados. I wonder if I spelled that wrong. It's got the wavy red lines underneath it but for the purpose of this blog entry, I'm not going to say anything but automatically assume that I've typed it wrong. Which is probably not the case as I'm pretty sure I typed it perfectly fine. This could all be remedied by me googling for this term but that would be cheating in my view and as such I'll refrain from such actions. Instead I'll go on to what I've been thinking of.

Calvados to the best of my knowledge is an apple brandy named after a particular region of France. Cider that's been "refined" to an artform of sorts. And though I really don't know that much about it. I'm in a bit of an apple phase at the moment.

For you see. I've been in love with most things "apple." No I'm not talking about the computers. To hell with those things. They make a new one every other day and just because of a label they can charge you $2k for it? Pah!

Na I've been in love with the organic products. The sharp bite of a lovely slice of apple. Be it the cider that I'm not 100% fond of sitting in the fridge or the slices of fuji apple that I've been snacking on with savoury slice of bacon. Yes those apples.

And so I guess it's not all that surprising that yours truly is craving Calvados at the moment. Because he hasn't had any alcohol in a while and because he would like some more apple in his life. mmm....

I can't say I've ever had brandy before though.

And as such T will probably have a bottle waiting for me at his place when I do get around to visiting Orlando. K will likely wanna grab lunch and catch up on things. And all the rest of my crowd from that area... :)

Monday, December 26, 2011

12/26/11 'Twas The Day After Christmas

And this one was awake. After gorging on snack foods and unsavory at best, he did sit in his room and contemplate the rest.

With cider in hand and belly full of noms, this one did sit back and contemplate the night's passing. No present was made, none more were said sent, yet he was optimistic and that's hopeful in all respects.

He's waiting for something more, a kiss or a touch. From one who would have him, here; now; a must. A trip by the car, from one local to another, forward, backwards and to aside. 'Tis YOU! He's after. And so yes as this one was, he sits at his desk. Ponder ponder ponder, much like the rest.

The words that leave him may seem maddening to most. But if you closed and realized, they've wisdom all the rest. No refill he says with a mild sigh to be had. "No mention of such folly!" was to be said to the rest.

This day gone past, but memory anew. Each beacon a sign. Today's adieu.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

12/25/11 A Moment's Rest

And in that next morning, I did awaken.
From dreams of crazed eventide fears.
Of campus buses and exams long missed,
To locales exotic and tastes amiss.
Of oddities and trufflelumps,
This memory doth remind;
That the one who has had them,
Is less than sane inside.

And so when he does awaken (at 4 o' clock no less),
The bitter taste of solitude relinquishes from the rest.
But memories past and present both,
Are here to stay for good.

And so from me to you and all of yours,
One general wish transpires.
I do say good sir and gentle madam, that on this fine day to be had,
May you enjoy it with those so dear and find that your desires have appeared.

Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

12/24/11 Happy Christmas Eve

While most people would prefer the phrasing of use of "merry" before such a set as Christmas. I consider the fact and realize that it doesn't make the structure sound any better. And as such I choose instead to go with the more (or shall we say less) common Happy setting.

It's the night before Christmas and I'm sitting on my ass trying to figure out how to cool down this room. Mani is overheating and I cringe at the realization that Skyrim and WoW both demand a decent enough fan that allows for my fps not to be below 10. The circulation in this room isn't particularly good after all.

And so after much improvision and a prayer! I have opened the window and am hoping that the gaping hole in it doesn't attract bugs. With my door open and the fan on as well, the combined circulation will likely keep the temperature in my room below 80. At one point walking out of the doorway would cause a notable decrease in temperature as the open nature of the rest of this house. I want to not be gasping for air tonight. Not sure that'll happen but I can pray.

Also have a small pot of rosemary leaves. If it gets much warmer, the smell should start permeating the room. It'll help me rememeber the important things I have to get done!

Friday, December 23, 2011

12/23/11 It's going to be a good day.

So after much scrounging, I found enough favors to cash in for maximum effect. Well to say the least I seem to have made good deals in friends. And while it is a bother the people that I've thusly had to rely on haven't always pulled through for me, I must admit that I'm really not sure what to have expected when I asked for help. It's likely a sign of exactly what I should have expected when I though that much of such.

Yes my words aren't exactly sensible at this day and time. It's only 8 A.M. local time. I'm up because my body was like: SUDDEN HEART IMPLOSION FEELING! WAKE UP! And I was like UGH, but I looked at the window and there was light so I felt I might as well.

I've got lots of stuff to do today the least of which is getting my stuff in order for a trip back to Jacksonville. I've got the dreams and wishes of several people riding on this. So yeah.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

12/22/11 More Contemplations + Plans

So I enjoyed some fresh radishes today. Tasty little bastards if I do say so myself. Well a bit sharp, but nonetheless an exciting (and probably very healthy alternative) to what I have or have not been consuming up to late. I'm actually tired at the moment. Another nasty side effect to not sleeping regularly. As such, I'm entertaining the fact that I need to get my day truly in order. As is to say things that I've been putting off for the last few hours need to be done.

Plan to go back to Jax tomorrow. Have stuff to do. We'll see if they get done though.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

12/21/11 Probably not a good sign.

So I've come to 2 brilliant conclusions. The first being that I still am very much in love with Fried Chicken. The second being it punishes me with the most violent of diarrhea for daring to eat it. Which is indeed the case of what happened yesterday.

I've also thusly figured out how to snag very limited (read: unstreamable, frequent disconnect) internet. By plugging manually into the wall and tapping onto Wifi (I pray and thank the gods and spirits that there are still people out there not brilliant enough to put passwords on their routers).

At the moment I am lying down feeling like I'm about to throw up. In a moment, I will scavenge the fridge outside for something cold and something sour. Lemon juice if all else fails me. Those apples I bought yesterday... Oh god they sound amazing right now. Well just one. Gonna save that other one for another time. Yes I'm rationing apples. I'm at that stage in my life.

Must have done decently on my interview. As I have an assessment to do now with the company. I'm praying it goes well.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12/20/11 Apples and Fried Chicken

So I'm on my phone again typing this. Mainly because the internet is being tempermental. I.E. annoying. Its been a quiet day thus far and my mind and body for once are nourished. Happy me! So yeah on to the meanong behind the title. Being that for once I have money! I put it towards tge two things I've been craving badly these last few months. mamely apples (fuji) and pieces of decadent fried chicken. I hate typing by phone :(

Monday, December 19, 2011

12/19/11 Alone

Well more so than before. Yes I'm aware that I've been single for what is it well more than a month now. But this is a new sense of alone for me. Since amongst other things E left this morning for Miami. Well less this morning and more 4 hours ago. I was awoken by that fact from my slumber which I must admit was very lovely having not realized that I had been awake for nearly 24 hours.


That nasty tendency of mine to sleep in of course is something that I really do need to fix. For though I thoroughly enjoy sleeping, I seriously need to learn a bit of self control as to the control of my sleep schedule.

On another note. Seems I did well on my interview. Have a "general skills" assessment lined up for me soon. :) Lets make it count and do well on that too.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

12/18/11 I tell you, I tell you; The Dragonborn Comes!

Oh god it's stuck in my head. And I'm talking about the original one. Not the Bard one that I linked via youtube the other day.

So me and my kitty avatar have been traversing the great depths of the world of Tamriel the last few hours (well no I was actually asleep for most of the day). But you get the drift. I was in this land attempting to make a name for myself (and cash in on all of those achievements). And lo-and-behold I end up in Candlehearth Hall one not particularly dreary afternoon. After a few minutes of running around trying to find a random quest NPC, and thus discovering that he was a douchebag for hiring the Argonians but not paying them a living wage; I thusly decided upon sitting for a minute and eating 20 or 30 pounds of miscellenia. The dunmer chick at the tavern burst out in song and I realized that once again I was enraptured by the lovely and delicate voices of Skyrim.

So Yes I'm likely to have it roll in my head feverishly until I collapse in despair and concede to finding a copy for download for my Zune.

That's the fact.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

12/17/11 Yet Another Day of Skyrim Errors

Yes I've gotten back into Tamriel. No I'm not pleased. Yes it's the steam edition. Illy bought me a copy as an early Christmas present. And I'm more than happy with it. To say the least getting any type of gift from people makes me feel so much better inside :) .


But I digress, I thoroughly miss my pirated copy at the present. Mainly because that one didn't crash every 5 god damn minutes. And no browsing online forums hasn't given me the answer to my woes. I fear that some cosmic force is truly out to get me as it refuses to let me complete my Dovakiin destiny. *sigh*

I can't even access Skyrim right now. And if you came here to try and figure out your own woes.

1. The Skyrim4gb didn't work for me.

2. Turning down shadows didn't work for me.

3. Windowed Mode didn't work for me.

4. The whole change the sound settings to stereo didn't work for me.

5. Nor did changing the .ini file.


So instead I've resorted to mashing my F5 key every opportunity I can in hopes that it saves me from any more woes :( .

Friday, December 16, 2011

12/16/11 Light Headed...

That's probably the best way to explain what I'm feeling at the moment. If I was to question it, I'd suspect that it has something to do with the fact that I'm not sleeping or eating regularly. Instead pulling the 24 hour awake-ness several times a week can't be healthy by any normal sense of the word.

On a related note. Thanks Kyle. I was rummaging through my artifacts and found a pack of gum you had tossed me way back in the day. Considering how I haven't had any gum in close to a month, it was a nice find. Which is also to say that I can't believe I'm such a hoarder to have kept it for so long. No seriously think about it. It's a pack of 5 Cobalt from almost what 9 months ago? And it looks still about the same as when I stole it from you. I'm sure if I deconstructed the contents of my wallet, I'd still find that wrapper that I sentimentally kept from all those months ago as well.

Which definitely goes to show you that I'm probably too much of a romantic to be practical in the real world.

Ugh... As I type this blog entry. 2 things are unravelling within my head. The first being that my head hurts. It's not a throbbing pain like I've had before. Instead it's ... it's literlaly like I have a cloud of something hovering over me. I'm  mildly tired but that's not what I'm feeling at the moment. Instead it's almost painful. Well it is painful in the most basic sense. But I'm saying that it's hm... Forget it. I'm just rambling it seems. I have a feeling there are spelling mistakes in this paragraph. I'm typing it purely by feel. As my eyes are closed because they hurt too.

I can feel each error that I make. Like the extra space and or the lack of a letter. in a word. It's interesteding the feel of these keys beneath my fingers, how my hands glide over hte surface. And my fingers tap each rhthym out so perfectly. I miss writing. Which is probably the reason why I do enjoy blogging if/wehn I get around to it. But yeah pardon the spellig and gramar and general errors with this entry. My mind and soul are loofing instead of actuallly participating.

I think I should take a nap now. A shortish one to fix my mind's floatin-ness.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

12/15/11 So I forsee

Myself passing out again. Which is to say that it's too cold in this room for me to keep my eyes open :( Maybe a warm snuggly nap in my sleeping bag will be for the best. After all I'll stay warm and what not.

Yes... that sounds lovely right about now. But that might mean I'll pass out for the rest of the day no? Well considering I've been up since 3 in the morning. I think it's ok to think that I should be able to nap if nothing else.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

12/14/12 On Wisdom

A wise man once told me that I'd always regret the path I didn't take. And as I think about it. Yes. That's true. But at the same time I must accept that everything that's happened thus far has been an experience. Every ounce of strength that I've exerted to survive each day, is in itself a type of journey. One that makes all the more sense when you realize it.

It's going to be some time yet before I'm satisfied with myself. And much much longer yet before I accept myself. I've had a shitty past few months.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

12/13/11 Song


This video. If you haven't seen it already, do yourself a favor and watch it. Even if you aren't a big Skyrim fan. I tossed it on my Zune a few hours ago. And though it's only a 2 minute long track, it's actually quite enjoyable to listen to. I think in particular what works for this set is the ability of the artist in question to to actually pronounce Draconic. In effect the the words weren't meant to be easily pronounced by anyone. Though I must guess that the nordic countries of the world may have some slight relation in this sense as the languages of the Nords may have been based off of the word structures and roots present.

On an unrelated note, yours truly needs to stop procrastinating other things. I have a few favors I need to cash in before the holiday season officially rolls around. I.E. get myself out from under this rock and pay off my phone bills and what not. I'll most likely be traveling a bit for my near future. Whether to get a stable career job or to contemplate other aspects. It's hard to explain. I'll have to consider these factors.

Monday, December 12, 2011

12/12/11 I almost forgot...

Almost. But today has been productive!

More applications pumped into the internet and my hopes for a job are still alive.

On a related note I'm awake enough now to think. I'm still going to do a lot of things. I'll get back to this if and when I can think properly.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

12/11/11 Lower Back Pain.

Because I seriously am experiencing it. This feeling that I'm being stabbed in a centralized location at the bend in my lower back. Whether it be from sitting for too long or from anything else equally un-pleasant I don't know. But yeah my back hurts :( and it feels like the pain that was centralized in my lower back is spreading lower as the rest of my legs (both of them) are beginning to hurt.


I would really love a cure for this. Something of a panacea sort that taps me and suddenly I'm free of pain or discomfort and able to sit or lie down without biting my teeth. Or wincing in pain. Yeah something like that would be nice.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

12/10/11 It would have been.

In the world of plausibility, today would have been my 10 month anniversary with someone... Which is of course to say that today has no extraneous tangible meaning. And like any other day of the week, it's just a day. A number in a pattern in a set of rotations of the earth around the sun.

And so instead of being logical or reasonable, I will instead sit cross-legged and contemplate the world around me in a capacity as to realize that I may in fact not exist. And that the purpose of this day is really no more tangible than the purpose of me existing in any other form or capacity. And so instead of going on these thought processes that really have no purpose and are circular in function and reason, I will instead contemplate other things.

For example. (And yes I'm going into my writing mood so the following is my newest review)

Sorry Rihanna, I hated your album :/
Rihanna's new album. Talk That Talk. Over all this album sucked. :( Now normally my position for Rihanna is heavily moved towards positive words and this position is based on my previous experiences with her style and the general rhythm that exists in her music. Instead of the matter as I've gone through the album in it's entirety a few times, I must instead note that I hate this album. There's only 2 songs out of the 11 tracks that I would seriously contemplate. And for that matter the songs that I did like, I only liked parts of them.

Specifically track 4: Talk That Talk. It has a nice beat that I can comfortably have in the background. I guess I really just don't like Jay-Z. His whole soliloquy in the opening of the song really added nothing to what I wanted to hear. It comes to a further note that as this is RIHANNA's album, shouldn't her lyrics be made of more than repeat choruses? I think I'd probably just enjoy an instrumental cover of this song. On a related note it is in my honest opinion that most of the writers for this album should be fired. The songs have such amazing beats and rhythms that I find my self subconsciously tapping to. But at the same time the over-sexualized lyrics have nothing to offer. Ha ha, you made a pun. A 5 year old could do that and come off as cute. Rihanna's pop image however can't expect to survive the same effects.

_fin thought process


And so back to the life of me. Everything tastes bitter. Even water that I just pulled out of the fridge. Now after a quick Google, I've come to learn that the most common cause of everything having such a bitter tinge is the consumption of pine nuts. And I will guarantee 100% that I have eaten zero pine nuts or pine nut related products in the last... 4 months at least. How am I so certain? Because I've cooked most everything in order to save money.

As for the possibility that I'm presently suffering from nasal drip. I'll have to shoot that one down too. I'm just going to put it out there that it wouldn't make sense since I don't so much as have a cold. I think I'm just going to attempt a detox of my body with almost intoxicating amounts of water. With enough liquid infusions, my body should suddenly jolt out of its stint and realize that I'm not dying. Whatever taste receptors are misfiring should have rectified themselves by then with any luck.

_fin thought process

So today's post has been a bit late. I've been typing it for the past 3 hours give or take. The faceybook, wikipedia, friends and skype all seem to have taken aspects of my evening away from me.

Friday, December 9, 2011

12/09/11 Let's be honest

Or tell lies. Either way something will end up being said.

I slept in today. Last night I got woken up by one of the people in the apartment doing laundry at midnight... And then using the extended dry cycle so it didn't stop until 3 or 4 in the morning. Now normally most sounds don't even affect me. Hell after my stint with my night job, a party could be happening and I'd still tune it out and sleep. But that mixed with my general blank/dazed-ness kept me up half the night. And as is fitting in such a fashion, my body gave me the righteous middle finger and the sandman visited. So yes I wasn't productive at all today because I slept. And in sleeping, I have the feeling that my body needed it. And yes even more so I note that the shifts in verb tense is annoying and awkward and the like.

But ya know I could care less about grammar at the present. When I do look over this in the future. (Which is partially the reason I even began writing these blog entries). I'll probably first note the omittion of certain words. In my speed to type things, I often mistakenly not notice the fact that I've written things or rather, not written things. In this respect even with my inability to focus on specific topics long enough to note things of non-dynamic purposes I do realize some practical use in all of them.

Which is to say that when someone besides me reads this, s/he will note a distinct jump in topics just now as I continue forward in my plans of being a writer.

With the conclusion of my interview this past week, I've had the time to sit back a bit and try to pace my train of thought. Which at the present is still hurtling down a path of WTF is going on here. I want to be optimistic. I want to say that yes I made a very nice presentation of my personal skill ability and sets and that the questions I've posed were both informative and engaging. But optimism isn't going to get me dinner. Nor will it make me stronger in any sense of the word. Rather it'll just make me realize that I'm not at my potential and that I haven't fallen to the bottom yet.

What is the bottom then? That location of eternal endlessness. I want to see it sooner or later.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

12/08/11 Generic Placeholderish

Because yours truly is tired and has a headache. If he wakes up soon enough, he may decide to write something here. If not, well he tried to think that he would...

Ugh headaches suck. No seriously they do. What did I do to deserve this one? Am I dehydrated?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

12/07/11 Interview Over

Well that was exciting. Well no not really. But yeah I had my possibly life changing interview today. And I want to say I did well. I really don't know if I did. But I'm optimistic. That and well I'm positive somewhat since the lady who was performing my interview ended up sharing more than I think she was originally planning to.

Generally speaking the questions that I ended posing for her weren't what you'd expect, I subtly tapped at the team aspect of her environment and other similar aspects. And when I did I noted how she stumbled in her phrasing, as if she had to actually about things. Some memory must have been evoked, either an uncomfortable one, or one that was shuttered and passed away.

It's moments like these that I either wish I could pry harder without seeming rude or putting people in an awkward position...

Lets see how it goes then?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

12/06/11 Stressed.

Well yes I'm stressed at the moment. And even more so for what will be in 12 hours-ish. For at that time I will be receiving a very important phone call. One that may decide the fate of my future as I know it.

At this point I'd sell the last day of my life to a higher power to have a great interview and for them to say, yes you are the type of person we want for our company. Yes, you are hired. Hell I'm already willing to move tomorrow if they'll simply tell me that I'm hired.

Desperate? A little. Excited? A lot.

The main thing is to be myself. To stay calm and collected. To make sure my phone's charged. To have a notepad handy and my hands steady. To breathe. And most importantly... To know I'll do well no matter what.

This most likely won't be my first interview. And most likely I will be nervous. But yeah.

Monday, December 5, 2011

12/05/11 Writing.

So yeah a lots been on my mind up to late so I don't think I'll be writing my expositions at this time. to be honest I've been a bit busy with other things, and other things have come to mind. However I do think this is a promising idea. And I will get back to it as soon as possible.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

12/04/11 A Week of Reviews

Now here's an interesting thought. What if I spent this coming week and wrote a detailed review of something everyday? Well most likely it'll be things in my mediocre game collection. And besides the fact that nothing I'll be reviewing is likely to be new in any sense of the word.

Now if you were wondering what in the world is wrong with me for contemplating and ultimately writing these expositions for what would seem to me as fun, there is a very basic concept that you must accept.

I don't think of it as fun more than as of a challenge. I want to enter the field of writing. This is a very credible option. And if nothing else I need practice. SO! Look forward to expositions starting tomorrow. For now I have to go and figure out what I'm going to review. Be it wine or games or whatever else. I need to subject matters.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

12/03/11 Brink Review

Brink.

This game. Do not buy it.

No seriously I mean don't waste your $5-$20 + tax on it.

I'll get to why in a second. But I just wanted to reiterate this fact. Because I feel that my not that exceedingly valuable time was wasted :/


So I'm sure you're thinking, well why the animosity? Brink has a decent premise, the graphics aren't too bad, it's "innovative-ish" and it's a team-based FPS... What's there not to love?

And then I burst your bubble. All games have their flaws. This one has several balancing issues that make it unfun. No, unfun isn't a word. But after investing enough hours into this game to pump out a lvl 19, I've realized that I've either wasted my time or I was just a fool to think it was fun to begin with.
The "Incapacitation" screen
So yeah to start this story, Steam had it for free this weekend. And like most gamers, free means full game that I might as well try for the shitz and giggles. And while the 6 gigs of what I thought would be exceeding amounts of fun was sucked off of the internet, I contemplated to myself *pensive look* Hmmm... I might as well read up on it and get an idea of the where I'm going to be spending the weekend. It's wiki page isn't well populated and I guess that's largely because this game has a small fanbase. That and/or it's kinda dying and was more of a one-shot wonder than a real game. (Much like what happened to MNC)

Anyway the story of the world is that in the near-distant future, global warming fucks the world up. Think Earth gets flooded. Luckily... or magically before that happened, the world of tomorrow was built. Eco-friendly, full of sustainable energy and designed as an Eco-resort, an island? was built: the Ark. Of course when shit happens like this those who lived after the flooding try to go here. Which is an issue. And so the Founders (capitalized as it's the name for the group) decide to separate the Ark into two distinct sections for the rich and the poor (the "Guests). It's all nice and such but this leads to issues of rationing supplies and protection and disease and all that jazz.


Move a few years into the future and you have the present story line. It's 2044-ish and the Guests are pissed off that they live in the makeshift universe of decayed ships, containers and generally corroding everything. While the rich are on their piece of paradise still. (sorta like today's 99% rallies arguing that the rich own too much of the wealth, multiply that by several hundred). And while morally I understand why it's important to help your fellow person and what not, the idea of giving out your own resources when the world is already fucked up doesn't make much sense. This on top of the fact that the Arkoral (a portmanteau for Ark + coral) that the generally not well described base of this location is built on; yeah it's dying and crumbling too.

Character Selection Menu


So it's now the future and this world is divided. The Founders have put together the Security (Blue faction) to keep the order and protect the Ark. The Guests make up the Resistance (Red faction) who strive to capture the Ark for themselves and eventually go off into the world and search for other survivors. (There really is no real story besides that. As the ending sequence shows basically the same thing of the leader of each side being pensive and what not. Finishing both stories is just about as easy and leaves the player with another interesting cutscene that also doesn't answer any questions.  And yes if you were wondering, there are survivors out there, and no it doesn't make any sense that no one has yet come to visit these people.

Among other new things that this game brings is the SMART system. SMART is an acronym for something or another and I'm too lazy to look it up at the moment. Anyway basically speaking the game automatically attempts to scale or slide the character through terrain obstacles based on how the character moves. For example if you're running at a wall with a ledge, lighter characters potentially vault forwards and climb upwards; or if you're aiming down at the space beneath a pipe you'll run and slide underneath it (also useful for slide kicking enemy characters). This feature is in reality useless. Because if you're sprinting (running-ish and making sure to follow group characters), the AI will magically think that yes just because you haven't stopped holding down the sprint button, you as the player wants to climb on EVERY GOD DAMN TABLE, LEDGE, and BARRIER... No seriously this was arguably the single most irritating thing that would happen, (because during this time you can't fire or heal or anything, you have to deal with 2-5 seconds of your character trying awkwardly to climb (as opposed to jumping or I don't know... some other action) onto a two-foot table.

Probably the only weapon I liked the color design to.

Good things about the game:

1. Detailed models of weapons, outfits.

2. Mix of Fallout + Resident Evil-ish world.

3. Attractive storyline/premise.

4. Every class can use every weapon, potentially.

5. Customizable weapons.

6. Switch classes and weapons mid-battle.

Detractions about the game:

1. Ping system based map that doesn't show environmental barriers.

2. SMART system is retarded as fuck. - What I noted above.

3. AI would favor running into mobs firing at them than completing objectives. - No seriously the easiest way to rack up EXP is to play a healer and run around reviving the AI, almost a guaranteed 13k+ exp each mission.

4. Pip based supply system favors dying and respawning over management of supplies and actually surviving. - Pips slowly recharge and ONLY the soldier class has a realistic recovery system for them.

5. Weapons have unusual spread and stability realism factors. - Not sure how my handgun's aim gets progressively worse when I'm shooting with my iron sights on :/

6. Character HP doesn't always reflect amount of damage able to be taken. - I've seen characters take two shot gun rounds to the back and magically survive. No Just NO.

7. Armor is basically an aesthetic characteristic of this game. Has no real purpose, has no real reason. - It doesn't add health, durability or anything else. Hell I could be in the nude and take just as much damage as some guy in full riot control gear

8. Character creation menu annoying and clunky to control. - Slow loading of features/color schemes and the like.

9. Each character has to individually unlock all outfits :/  - Why would I want to level a second character ever?

10. No female character. - Literally everyone is a guy. Only 2 female voices in the game. And neither of them are EVER seen.

Neutral things:

1. I swear I keep hearing the sound from the Assassin's Creed menu.


ANYWAY Yeah don't get this game. To be honest since it doesn't have a solid fanbase like TF2 and CS do, it's likely to die sometime in the near future. It's already hard enough to find a non-cheating Private Server to play with other people on, no point in bothering with it anymore.


Friday, December 2, 2011

12/02/11 Prospects

So I got an email yesterday. And interestingly enough it's for a job interview. My first of many (hopefully, being broke sucks). It's for the position of Technical Writer for a healthcare software company.

Not really going to get too much into the situation besides the fact that I'll be able to put my writing skills to work. It's interesting really how everything I've thus worked for has come to this. And even more interesting probably is the fact that I'm slightly numb about it.

Well I only did check my email after I posted my blog entry yesterday. And yes I was quite elated about the matter at the time and rushed to tell people about it much to my present realization that this is just an interview (Step 2 in the process) but still just a step. One that hasn't lead to fruition yet. Well in this stage it's more like it's a sprout. Any number of things could kill my dream...Well to be even more honest I had only come up with this idea for a job because one of my exes mentioned it in passing during one of our Skype conversations.

My mind is full of things right now. Ideas, thoughts and other stuff that is making me go mad. Oh that reminds me I was wikipedia-ing Djinn and I found this: maวงnลซn - 'mad' (literally, 'one whose intellect is hidden'). Which my mind segued to Sheogorath, the mad god of Tamriel. And as I thought more of it, I came to realize that it's true. The Mad God was actually brilliant, under that veil of random gibberish is a positively charming fellow who's deep words are misconstruded as babbling (and arguably he's one of my favorite daedric princes)

But of that another time. I've got more research to be done. I'm going to prepare my ass off for this interview, give them a great show of my potential and of my talent and secure me a job with them.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

12/01/11 Patch 4.3 Errors.

Yay I have internet again. But at the expense of using it, I must realize that I'm stuck on campus and can't really get anywhere or do anything lest I forget the time and miss my bus.

So as you may or may not know 4.3 was officially released to the public on November 29th, however I like many people around the world use an internet system via a university or other institution that doesn't like the Blizzard launcher. Below is the fix I noted. Hope it helps someone else :)

- Taken from the Blizzard Forums.

1. Go to http://patchup.info/?s=tfil&region=NA
2. Download the WoW.tfil file
3. Extract the file and place it in the same directory as your Launcher.exe
Ex: C:/Program Files/World of Warcraft/
4. Run Launcher.exe
5. Profit

I've tried it out and it seems to be running smoothly thus far, more on if it worked tomorrow or later.

Alternatively if you're a US region person...

http://games.softpedia.com/get/Patch/World-of-Warcraft-Patch.shtml

The link was just put up today and it should also work :)

Hope these help someone in need.


____________________________

But back to me. I'm at Club Stroz at the moment, the glaring sunlight burning holes in my retinas as I try desperately to focus on my computer screen. Some crazy part of me thought that wearing contact lenses would be a smart idea. I think my prescription changed :/ To be exact the computer screen which can't be more than a foot and a half away from my face... It's god damn blurry. Hell the contacts worked int he sense that they fixed my nearsighted-ness. but as a result. I'm now farsighted :(

Job hunting is still just that.... Hunting. Wonder if the USPS would hire me?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

11/30/11 Hm...

Is the last day of the month and I'm numb. Can't believe so much time has passed... On my phone atm, and if you know me, you'll realize I hate typing on my phone, and for the most part I only tolerate it because I have stuff to do. Well that or I'm texting someone I enkoy talking to. Who knows anymore. Anyway, have stuff to get to doing, atm that means resting and keeping my self sane. Get back to me tgough I ask?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

11/29/11 Plans to PvP again soon

December starts in like 2 days in so within that period of time, yours truly plans to begin aggressively WoW-ing again as well job hunting. In such a means he'll hopefully be able to find some logic within that little brain of his to make magical things happen.

In other words, I plan to reactivate my WoW account. And yes I plan to level Galen up. Kyle isn't playing and guess he never really wanted to. SO instead of letting him guilt trip me into feeling bad anymore I'm just going to play and level him.

Monday, November 28, 2011

11/28/11 It would seem.

That I only got 4 hours of sleep last night? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?

As such I'm tired at the moment, and general thoughts of productivity worry me as I don't see them happening.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

11/27/11 Dream a little dream...

So I ended up staying up late/really really early (like till 11ish?) today and though that isn't all that amazing or unusual. The dream sequence though... Oh god let me live parts of it again. So as usual I don't remember even half of it, but the sparks that I do remember, I just want to experience...

There was a road trip of some variety or another, one that led me to a distant place. It was planned as I recall it. And then I was in a field of flowers. Many of them were dried and withered, but even then they're of the lovely variety. There's at least one withered blue rose and as I kneel to touch it, I can feel the dried petals crumble beneath my hands. It's truly magical-ish... I remember wondering why I didn't have a camera... I wanted close up pictures of these flowers. Just light images to remember them by. It makes me wonder why flowers don't seem to exist like these do.

And then I awaken for the first time only 4 or 5 hours in. I stumble around for a drink of water and note that Eman is in TOR. As I sit down again and wonder, I think to myself that this is bullshit and proceed to pass out again. Enter 2 hours later and yours truly awakens again and feels a bit stunned. His head isn't functioning like it should so he's groggy and dehydrated but his arms don't feel like they've been hit with sledgehammers this time ( I wonder if wearing a jacket while passed out mitigates the effects of the cold in this room).

No one's called me back for a job interview yet though, which as you know is my main prerogative at the present. Having a source of monies fall out of the sky for me. That is something I NEED >.< How the fuck am I supposed to be able to afford to go to FurCon otherwise? Or do anything really for that matter.  Guess I'll just mellow a bit and resume my day.


Also this video. Because it is made of awesome and made my day much better. Such talented musicians :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

11/26/11 Cazador

Cazador - n. Spanish term meaning hunter. Also a gentically mutated version of the Mojave's native wasp population.

Of course that has nothing to do with me. :P Instead it's just me semi-rambling as I continue on my day to day with whatever I seem to be doing.

Ugh need job :/ So besides that loves to everyone visiting my page :)

Friday, November 25, 2011

11/25/11 Not enough sleep.

So today's master plan was to sleep, not check facebook and pass out for the majority of the day. Of the above I've failed everything. Well I did sleep. Don't get me wrong, I stayed up late and laid myself to rest with a towel over my eyes around 8:30-9. But then the dream world was all like, FUCK YOU! And I'm up now a mere 4ish hours later. I had the fan on and so my arms may as well be paralyzed :(

As for facebook, I hadn't seen any of the usual gloating yet, so if anything if I can have enough self-control not to get on it, I should be fin in the sense that I won't get more depressed over my present situation because of my lack of generally everything. And knowing myself, I won't be asleep anymore. Not without lack of want. But my head is going numb and I still sit here. Maybe I'll go browse stuff on Imgur.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

11/24/11 Sleeping

Given the following premise:

1. I'm depressed about being homeless, jobless and generally broke.

2. I have no monies to spend on myself or anyone else for that matter.

3. The people that I do really want to spend this day with are either not talking to me or not in my life anymore.

The following is a result.

1. Depression factor multiplier x2

2. Boredom variable +5

3. Lethargy +10

4. Sleep imminent.

So for all of the rest of you who're out there enjoying yourselves. Have a good time. Yours truly will crawl back into his sleeping bag and hibernate some more. Not like it'll do much good but still.

Who knows? Maybe after waking up from the dream world. I'll have a better outlook on things and the job searching will be able to resume without further depression.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

11/23/11 Was in the mood.

I was in the mood for colonizing the world again... So I dug out my copy of Age of Empires 3 and set out to kill folks. And while I am most saddened that I was unable to complete my dominating victory because I accidentally unplugged my external but hey it's the thrill of the hunt that makes me savor it all...

Which of course brings me to wonder. Why the hell hadn't I touched the game in over 2 years? Was I so out of tune with my stratestician side? (Note: I don't think that's a word but I'm not in the mood to google it to see if it is.) Well yes I very thoroughly enjoy commanding virtual troops. I'd like to think I'm pretty good at what I do. I'd consider my abilities in such matters if not exceptional at least above average.

And here of course is the wonder. What is it about games that I very much enjoy that I don't bother to touch them again? It's happened before of course. Quite a few times. And it'll likely happen again with any number of other games that I've loved before and since.

Ah well. For the time being it's linked to my steam account. So if I should feel the urge to, I'll simply pull it up again and send my army of skirmishers to chew through my enemy. (Yes I play French :) ) (not too shabby with the Dutch either).

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

11/22/11 What's there to be thankful for?

Thanksgiving is almost upon the United Statians. And so since I'm technically of that specific demographic...

What am I thankful of? I really don't know at the moment. Because my life feels shitty. But ya know. I'll figure out something.

Monday, November 21, 2011

11/21/11 Game Analysis for The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Well I'm a writer... And as such, I write. The following was part of a submission for a job application :P


Game Analysis 
Game: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (PC version)
Producer: Bethesda Softworks


Contents:

Abstract
Initial Game Assessment
Game Mechanics Overview
Bugs Encountered (With Related possible fixes)
Final Assessment and Possible Improvements



Abstract:

Having completed the previous two installments in the Elder Scrolls series and enjoyed other games by the same producer, I felt to a degree obligated to play this installment.

My primary focus for my initial play-through of the game (deemed a measure of game time approximately 10-20 hours, or until either the game’s errors or bugs outweighed my personal patience in gaming or the game’s quality got to a stage that was too repetitive to hold my interest) was exploration of the environment, judging quality of quests as well as generally enjoying the game matter. 

The primary focus of my second play-through of the game (judged by the same factors listed above, and resulted from fatal main quest error) was testing game mechanics (such as the use of differing perks, weapons, physics and AI strategy) , attempted propagation of bugs noted in the first play through and continued exploration into areas I had skipped or had not encountered during my first play-through.

The following analysis is based on my findings from both game plays. It is my hope that with the information given, my experience will enable the game engineers to develop fixes, patches and improve future game design.

Notes: My Alienware M15 laptop was able to run Skyrim on Ultra settings. As such the following is based on gameplay at highest graphics settings.


Initial Game Assessment:

The first thing noted upon entering Skyrim is a mild dislike with the character premise. Similar to the two previous installments of the game, the main character is taken released from being a prisoner to an environment and given free-reign to explore and do as he/she sees fit. Granted this situation did not come as a surprise to me as I had been paying attention to relevant game news, I was mildly irked by the initial prisoner aspect of the game. Also without a change error screen possible, there lacks the possibility of the player changing his mind in any form, and all decisions made are final.

As the series continues to evolve, I have noted that at the very least the environment was amazing. And though the physics of the game still feel clunky and at many points have bugs (see noted bug sections), I personally feel that this game is an improvement over its predecessors in many ways.
The stream-lining of player statistics has been condensed into Mana, Health and Stamina. Based on my previous experience with the game, I feel that this is an exceptional improvement as the primary focus for most players in the previous installments of the series was Intellect, Endurance and Strength. These three stats were streamlined into the present game and allows for players new to the series an opportunity to enjoy gameplay more than the number crunching and sometimes puzzling nature of stats present previously.

The elimination of certain schools of magic within the game is also beneficial to players. As a reduction of the number of skill types necessary to train allows for players to choose specialties without having to deviate to training in many schools for practical benefit. 

Sadly at the same time, reducing and changing spell types have to a degree damaged the precedent set by previous games. Though the perk system allows for customization of the character in such a way as providing for immensely different character designs/builds, the branching nature of each tree forces players to focus on specific talents that are needed by many play types. (For instance melee stealth characters are forced into combat one-handed skills and all caster builds would find the bonus magicka regeneration from the restoration tree necessary).

Quests in this game have their pros and cons. The magical cursors on one’s map direct players directly to the given position which aids new players in solving complex puzzles and finding quest locations. This partially destroys the exploration value of the game in that players aren’t given the option of exploring new areas in search of objectives, and instead everything is handed to them. Quest logs (journals) aren’t detailed enough to give locations or routes to objectives in any other form. Seasoned players of the genre and previous Elder Scrolls games will likely find such quality a detraction from the awe that made games such as Morrowind interesting.

Certain abilities and player types are objectively harder than others without justified compensation. For instance, the relative difficulty of initially playing a mage in many ways makes having a follower a necessity. The lack of heavy armor (as cloth pieces provide bonuses that are caster relevant) and related low health pool makes mages particularly squishy. As such many players must choose between leveling stats in such a manner as to gain a large mana pool (at the expense of survivability) or bonuses in armor (at the detraction of carry weight and less mana to cast spells). 

Players looking forward to being an archer are also at a severe disadvantage. Initially and somewhat throughout; skill, weapon power and availability of leveled arrows makes players shy away from this build (groups are particularly deadly for an archer as the melee pummel only knocks back a little but drains a fair chunk of stamina, and ranged tend to do low damage without enchantments and high quality arrows).

Game Mechanics Overview:

Skyrim is a vast game full of many dynamic processes that are definently an amazing successor to Oblivion and Morrowind. The fact that the game world lives and surrounds you makes for an exciting experience every time a player enters the game. A few mechanics need to be changed for balance.

My main concern with this game is the economy system. Gold is relevant in every fantasy based game as a means to trade. Skyrim’s merchants are brutal in this basis. For most of the game, players lacking the ability to refine minerals and skins into finished weapons and armor are at a great disadvantage in finding a means of profit. For instances  a player who accidentally sells a piece of armor for 50 gold may find that in attempting to buy it back, the merchant charges 4 to 5 times the offer rate (which potentially means the player is unable to get the piece back). 

As such ALL players will be forced into leveling the speechcraft skill or suffer the indignity of frustration at accidental clicks. The price for Houses also needs to be reduced to balance the game more. Players will note that the first house general available to players is 5,000 gold (without improvements). This sum is unrealistic to most players, even those who regularly delve into dungeons. Later on houses require sums up to 25,000 gold (without improvements) which I personally don’t understand how game designers expected players to get.

Another issue I have noted is the irritable nature of NPCs standing in tight areas or doorways. This issue is especially notable if the player has a companion who is following the player. The NPC doesn’t always respond to movement and as such will occasionally stand directly between a player and his objective. As the game is realistic enough not to allow stacking and intended player clipping, the NPC will stand in place (often for many in game hours). Running into a target doesn’t always push them aside either and many players personally would not want to risk accidentally killing a target with a spell or ability.

The radiant AI system was initially introduced to players as a breakthrough in innovation. As players have yet to figure out the triggers involved with this system, many players will find it extremely irritating that certain characters will refuse to offer disposition quests necessary for marriage. From personal experience this has happened on more than one occasion and thusly I’ve had to go to a 4th or 5th spouse candidate before the game resolved to allow me to do said quests.


Bugs Encountered:

My biggest fear in playing this game would be that it would be a remake of Fallout: New Vegas (unexpected game closure every 5 minutes, the launcher crashing, quests bugging out and being uncompletable, game mechanics non-functioning and NPCs falling through the world). For the most part Skyrim has not encountered the same issues as Fallout: New Vegas. I am still displeased at the sheer number of game breaking situations I’ve encountered but I will tolerate many of them. The following is a short list of errors I have thus encountered and some of the possible fixes.

Clipping – Character body parts moving through environment, physical objects, arrows permanently stuck on the player, even after associated gear piece is removed, arrows stuck in space, items thrown out of inventory stuck in space/through environment and associated not being able to pick them up.

                Fix: Restart game, computer, last save point sometimes fixes the above.

Quest Errors – Main quest sequence riddled with issues. Esbern’s lack of voice files and refusal to open the door to his room is my most hated issue in large part because this breaks the game.

                Fix: Necessary to download BSA unpacker and edit game data files.

Dragons – Many of them can hit targets through terrain.

                Fix: May be working as intended.

Spells – Sometimes go through terrain other times they don’t 

                Fix: May be working as intended?


Final Assessment:

My entry into this gaming world has been followed with general excitement built by many months of anticipation. After all this game has to improve on several award winning bases. From my personal experience of the game, I would rate it between a 7 or 8 out of 10. The game is still, from my perspective, in progress. Future patches and fixes may be able to improve on the initial release’s errors, but until which time a fix is released that allows me to finish the main quest line, I’m putting this game down to reduce my personal frustration with it.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

11/20/11 A Cornered Rat - Skyrim Quest

In the same vein of how my previous posts have been. The stuff people will probably be googling for will be on top and then stuff about me will follow.

In case your PC version of Skyrim is bugged when completing this quest. Because I'm aware that the character Esbern will occassionally bug out in one of the following forms:

1. He refuses to come to the door.

2. He has no sound files.

3. After the conversation, he refuses to open the door.

4. Your companion gets in an endless loop and beats the shit out of him when he does open the door.

After viewing chat boards I found a cure :)


1. Download BSA Unpacker (Just a program that opens Skyrim's component files, it's safe I promise. http://www.tesnexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=3117)

2. In your Skyrim's data files there should be a file called VoicesExtras.bsa or something to that effect. Use the BSA Unpacker on this file.

3. Press the extract all button and extract all to the Data folder. If a warning or the like pops up ignore it and continue.

4. Open the game resume saving Tamriel.


As for the follower beating the shit out of him... To be on the safe side, dismiss your follower. Why? Leaving your follower in a random place leads to problems such as your follower dying to random spawns (yes it can happen, especially if your little man/woman gets in between 2 high level casters) And by dismissing you'll definently know where to go back for him.

_______

As for me. I'm off to have lunch with a friend and then probably a random movie and some cuddling. Not really that productive I admit but luvs, that's life :)

And yes I'm still mad at James for bailing on me. But I really can't help that now can I?


Saturday, November 19, 2011

11/19/11 Entourage and Getting Stood Up

To say the least I woke up this morning, less than pleased with how things are/should be.

As you may have known or should I say have yet to find out... My weekend date screwed me over. Indeed the same date that screwed me over last week did so again this week. And the most interesting part of it all? He's not replying to my texts or phone.

So of course I was up at 5 yesterday at my phone, waiting. And waiting is the best way to think of it. For you see I was really excited that I'd be able to spend some intimate time with my friends. Which is of course to say that I was expecting to be able to spend time doing something other than sit on my ass and watch reruns of the shows I've missed throughout the week. Meh. Then again this is my life isn't it. I live and have expectations of things from other people. Promises if you will of either time together or just time at all. And then... They're shattered. Shattered by the reality that I don't get anything done. That I don't get anything out of it. That in the end I'm "alone". And in that sense I never really had anyone that I truly felt gave back to me. Nope. I've yet to be in a relationship where one or more individuals I've offered my heart to offered anything of equal value back to me.

I guess then I'm just a hopeless romantic. One who's expectations are either grossly out of proportion with what he has to offer or simply unrealistic as to what he has had to offer. Maybe I really should just stay out of the dating pool for a bit. Every time I think about it, I always end up downing myself. And every time I think I meet that right someone... I'm sorely mistaken. Because the honeymoon phase of the relationship burns brightly and even as it flares I force myself to ignore the brilliant sparks that should warn me of the relationship's inevitable failures.

But that's a different story m'loves.

As for the former part of the title of my post. I think I have an entourage now. Well no... I've kinda always had one. A group of followers attracted to me by my sexy hair, well placed demeanor and general happy disposition. But then of course is the fact that everything about me seems to attract people in need of... hm... what would be the word? I think everyone who's attracted to me is solely searching for affection. It's something that of course has always existed as one of my better qualities. Because no matter the craziness that permeates out of my being, I'm more than available to offer a hug or an open mind.

That's really all I'm good for after all. I've added one more to that group. Someone who challenges me intellectually. It's one of those qualities that a wolf like myself strives to hunt for. Well more like as a gemini, I crave individuals who I can call my equals. Not my superiors or inferiors... But my equals.

That is what I seek in life.

Friday, November 18, 2011

11/18/11 Rainy Days

It might be raining today. And I feel it won't stop me from making my day...

Lets dream.