04/30/12 Two Things of Note...

1. Ugh I think I've gotten a case of food poisoning. My gut is suffering ever so at the moment :( Which of course doesn't particularly help the sleep deprivation I seem to be feeling as I progress later and later into the night.

2. I met a nice guy. I'll leave his name as R. for the time being.

As for the former, I'm attempting to stay hydrated between bouts of nausea and an energy sapping tap that is touching me in all the wrong ways.

As for the latter. I think he genuinely likes me as well. We had dinner at Sonic's the other day and if nothing else I think we connected pretty well. Personality wise he seems to be a bit on the submissive side. I'm not going to lie, but I'm drawn to him for some reason. One that I would really like to find out soon.

Maybe it's just the smile. It's a charming mix of smug without the reluctance that I've thusly noted in so many other people.

And he does fit my racial mixup that I'm fond of. (Yes I'm going to admit that I have a thing for White and/or Hispanic guys) He has a Spanish like tinge that reminds me of Adri. But I'm not really sure besides that small point. It could just be me over-reading and getting into thinking of things that were never there.

It could also just be the small fact that we've both been looking for someone to offer our affections to. I gave him mine and he has thusly returned with his.

A relationship can't be purely based on just affection of course. There being many social, economic, societal and possibly political factors at play during any given interaction.

Socially speaking, R. and I are similar. We have similar interests in both people and cliques as well as romantically realized dreams of a "good time." Which isn't to say that we don't have our differences thus far. Time of course seems to be the most awkward of the set as to what we both don't seem to have enough of.

Though I must happily note that we live close... And may soon yet live closer. I'd be more than happy to spend time with him if we lived in the same city... A casual dinner one evening. Or say some snuggles while watching the moon rise. OOOO or just a romantic time walking with the other. *le sigh*

Forever the Hopeless Romantic that I am... I can't help but think that R. is the solution to my loneliness. Which is of course a horrible... ABSOLUTELY horrible way of looking at anything. The world included. Though i'm not going to lie. I would love for him to fill that void within me. Ever since Kyle savaged my emotional health, I've been trying desperately to fill it with something.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing again. I'll try to keep it slow. This old haggard of a beast should learn to be more cautious with his heart. There's little point in letting one's self be hurt if there be an alternative; no?

04/29/12 Hat on Forewards

I'm back home or at least I'm back in the place I can presently call my residence.

It's been quite the weekend. I've gotten together some things of mind. And for the most part I enjoyed myself and the company of both new friends and old.

To say the least I ended up opening a new path into the future that I hadn't seriously looked into in the past.

But as it would be. I'm here.

___


Today is Sunday. It's the last Sunday of the month and as I'm sitting here contemplating the greater mysteries of the day and things

04/28/12 Apply Lost

Apply Apply? Apply.

As in App-ly put but that just comes out as apply. :/

MEH

But yeah. Fun evening hanging with people. Nomz at a Mexican place here in Gainesville. And then other stuff like that. It's interesting indeed how things work out like that.

Ended up at a friend of Dax's place. And other stuff like that. I should have posted earlier. Phone wasn't agree with me and threatening to die and factors beyond my control.

I must say though that a license to do massage therapy would be pretty interesting. As would most things I could consider down that line of action. So yes. I will definitely have to look into it.

04/27/12 Multi-tasking

"Lots to do, lots to do," said the rabbit to the hare.

"From whence to where?" replied the second to the first.

"From thither to hither and all points in between. And know you the lone reason, for my madness recompestations?"

"Surely not." said he in true merriment and wonder.

"For travels sake and Mary's cake."

And then the two sat and pondered. For a time as is custom.

___

But no seriously I'm busy packing and stashing stuff so that I can get going as soon as my ride arrives. Have some shit to get done and what not else. Before that however I need to find some contacts to put in. As I would like vision for this trip.

04/26/12 Blind Faith

We all must have faith something. Whether it be logic, or justice, or religion. We all want or have faith.

It's hard not to. It's also impossible not to give our hearts to something.

And that's the desires that we hold. I for one will not let myself be locked to this world by it. I've got to move on and keep living. :)

For you see. Plans and Reason.

Each gives you power. Each has a purpose. And Having BOTH. Means you're going places.

04/25/12 Audible

All the world is a stage. One where those who enter have many parts and those whom leave do so without applause nor cheers of encouragement.

Each player therefore must do the best he is capable of; in role as in person; to perform as he is capable. To know as he is and to speak as his heart dictates.

I hold in my hand Lewis Carrol. It's of course the dual compilation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as well as Through the Looking-Glass.

Interesting piece of fiction indeed.

Today's a Wednesday. It's midweek and I'm very much looking forward to week's end. An old friend of mine invited me to visit him for the weekend. And granted I have nothing going for me here; I accepted and so I will be off this weekend to visit him.

All the merriment that will come eh?

04/24/12 Dreams keep us Living

Living. The state of being alive.

Supplemented by an ever increasing diet of sarcasm and general cynicism.

Today is a tea day. One in which instead of my usual mint concoctions; I will instead be enjoying some Pu-erh tea today. It's been spritzed with a bit of honey. But it's flavor is lovely. This tea has a light amber color. 

Flavor-wise the tannin profile is light. There is a mild settled flavor on the surface of my tongue that I can't rightfully explain. I suspect this tingling is due to the effects of the tannins on the tongue though I'm not scientifically positive of the matter. It could just be I'm over thinking it then :p

Tea is lovely and warm.

And I has some to keep me warm. 

04/23/12 The Loreweaver's Charm

A small necklace of no importance at first sight.

Three glass beads. Claw shaped. Each claw ends in a smooth tip.

It's music. A symbol of how I feel and a symbol of how things are.

It's a reflection. Your soul against mine. Our hearts shimmering against the fate that is.

04/22/12 Lacie

Lacie is an anagram for Alice.

And it is also one of the memorable tunes from the anime Pandora Hearts. Random of me; but I've had it on loop for the past 5-10 minutes now...

It's strangely soothing.

This one is one of the anime rips I assume. But it's what I'm talking about. Note the soft melodic qualities of the song.

As to why I'm listening to it. It's actually a really shitty reason. You see every time I get close to having an anxiety breakdown. Well less anxiety just emotional bullshit. My head hurts for a bit, the chest tightening up and mild nausea. Then of course randomly I'll start humming lines from various music/games/anime. I'm not consciously thinking about it, it just well happens.

Lacie is interesting specifically because I gave up on the anime series quite a time ago because of my lack of interest in the story line and the randomness of the matter.

It however has a correlation between myself and the emotions exhibited in the music. Which may explain why I was listening to Baba Yetu earlier. The uplifting nature of that piece of music not only pairs well with a general happy mood that I exhibited in passing but adds plenty to the happiness that was bouncing off of me...

This above cover of the song works very well too. The piece itself shouldn't be depressing so much as it just exists. It's music after all. It applies the emotions that the listener wants to bounced around on the vibrations of the instrument (I was thinking use of strings but I realize that the word vibration encompasses all instruments as sound is based on wave patterns).

It was William Shakespeare who said: "If music be the food of love, play on." And I feel that at the heart of what he said, he knew that music had as much power to balance the emotions as it did to keep the soul alive. Which is of course thinking that the soul has a health bar similar to those found in the main characters of role playing games. If that be the case; my soul is on the verge of dying.

4/21/12 Late Posts

I do apologize for posting after the limit and late. I wasn't at my laptop at all for much of the evening.

I must say that I totally didn't know there was going to be a picnic yesterday (4/21/12) However a good friend of mine mentioned it on Tuesday and I was like... TAKE ME I LIVE ON THE ROUTE YOU'D DRIVE UP THERE!


And so it was. He picked me up and I rushed away a great way.


It was in a small park that was built onto the beach.


Lovely place.


AMAZING FOOD :) Great chefs in training and of course one of the best things to come of it is that I found 2 paths that are both logical and practical.



The first being I offered free massages to the stressed people there. I ended up getting about 7 people who sat down and asked for a neck massage. 10 minutes later they got up; smiled and told me they were extremely relaxed feeling and much less tense over all. And strangely enough I ended up getting tips... Which I won't say no to :p

One of the people I had met a long time ago ended up mentioning that my skills could be honed at a community college that offers massage therapy classes.

I also happened to meet up with an old friend from high school who offered some amazing career advice.

There's apparently an insurance company in Gainesville that is opening a new branch and needs people... And I'm highly qualified with my Creative Writing degree.

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."
- The Buddha

^ comes to mind as I think about things.

I am thus to say that I am happy. And made new friends to make my day better. 

04/20/12 Catnip

I was related an interesting phenomenon earlier today as I was browsing my twitter feed.

It would appear. That people SMOKE catnip. Which of course is interesting to me because I was unaware of this use for the herb. I do own a cat so I am aware of the potent strength by which it has the ability to pacify the feline terror. (No that sentence butchered English... But that's a different matter)

And while I contemplate that small tidbit. Other startling questions also bounce around inside my head...

So rather I'll follow up on a discussion topic that I've been following.

Would it be immoral to delete sentient AI?

To this I answer. No.

This question is tethered on the principle that killing the AI program is akin to the murder of a living being.

However I think of it in a slightly different manner.

I will admit my general fear of the AI's ability. What if it gets too smart for it's own good? It's safer just to delete it, especially if human life was critically at stake.

04/19/12 On the Edge of Regular

My name is not important. Nor is anything on the pinnacle of regular by which you have discovered me.

It instead important to value other factors when combining the value of the mind to the pinnacle of the story already in progress.

In today's news. I slept and dreamed. Amazing wonderful dreams. I know they were wonderful but I cannot for the life of me remember them. I'm sure sometime in the near future, I'll lie back and ponder something entirely unrelated and suddenly *pop* and be like OMG YUS that dream from a long time ago.

04/18/12 The Night the Dreams Escaped

It was like any other night.

Well just about any other night anyway.

You had the random creep who walked down the road at 8 P.M. sharp. His little terrier merrily doing loops around his master and verbally assaulting the neighborhood cats who would stray too far from the protective hedges of their masters. The creep would rub his hands together ever so dastardly and pull on the leash just enough to keep the mutt from escaping and causing havoc amongst the felines.

Of course maybe I'm more of the creep for opening my blinds just enough to peek out into the twilight air and gaze upon the inhabitants whom are walking by at this hour.

But tonight was different. Well not in the aliens are about to raid the planet and/or the zombies were doing Michael Jackson's Thriller on the street. Rather it was different because we were about to have rain.

The section of the First Coast has been experiencing a lot dry weather up to late. Not really all that unusual over the past few ages. But the promise of the spring rains is a sobering reminder of the heat that has all but sapped away the waters of the local ponds.

And so I sit here indoors protected from the elements and mentally prepare myself for the dropplets. Of course I remember them. I can visualize their perfectly spherical sizes as they fall from a ripe cloud that is overwhelmed with meteorological pressures to conceive.

:p

yus I'm waiting for the rain. Because it's dry and my sinuses are drying out from the dry weather in this less than pleasant dry locale.

No it's not a desert outside but it's dry.

04/17/12 Tax Returns

It's Tax Season :)

And today is the last day that people can file for taxes for the 2012 year.

So in case you were wondering you have less than 3 hours left to rush onto Taxact or Turbotax or whatever other website you crave and pull out those W-2 forms and other expenditures and what not to get your taxes in order.

I've thusly got around to sending mine off. Procrastinated; yes. But it was for the best and I benefitted exceedingly from getting even a small boost to my finances.

04/16/12 On suicide

Sorry for being morbid at such hours of the night.

I couldn't sleep. Well I haven't been able to for a while. About an hour or so now.

I'm just sitting here at my laptop. Wondering.

I'm contemplating suicide again. For any number of reasons.

Because life hurts. That's saying very little. Especially considering all that's going on. But I just want to die right now. This knife is sharp enough that I can just stab myself in the heart and end my present misery.

I don't believe in the concept of a heaven or a hell. And what little faith I had in Karma. That's over too. Self-love? Self-loathing.

My very world is void of emotions right now.

Well maybe not all emotions. Just pain seems to be emanate from me. An ayakashi that feeds off of dark emotions would have much happiness simply being in my presence. Hmph.

Which is to say that I care so little about living right now that not even fear of the future can disdain me.

I live in a world of negativity. It's a lot of nay-say this and nay-say that. But more important of course is the fact as one of the living (presently), I exist in a reality that is neither productive or generally good for my health.

In one style of thinking. There are 2 things present. The heart which bears all emotion. And the feather that represents the truths. Or something like that. Tapping from my poor memory of Egyptian mythology here. Which is of course to say that while I should be able to recall all of this and how the impure thoughts and tears clouding my eyes do delude me.

All I want is to be free of these chains. I don't know how. Well death is one of those ways; no?

eye for an eye. Blood for Blood.

04/15/12 Hm. Somber Notes

Music is one of the easiest forms of communication by which many groups can understand. This is in large part due to the connection most people have between melodies and rhythms as to their connected values.

Even more so, it is thought that human beings are inherently attracted to rhythm due to it being the first sound that can be heard while within the womb.

And it is thus that I contemplate the nature of music. Or rather as I find a purpose to, I continue to type.


__x

I've had 2 messages sitting in my inbox for a while now. One is from the 8th and the other the 2nd. They've been there sitting. Not really doing anything special. I sit here and let them wait.

What could seriously be worse that what I've already experienced?

Why do I not just open or delete them or compose a new message and get it over with? Hm? I could. I know I can. I really should. But that would just end another phase of something that never was hm?

For it is part of growing up.

To admit one's faults.

and.

It is part of growing up.

To face the consequences of one's actions.

__x

Who am I kidding? I haven't grown up at all. Nope, not at all. Nothing more of it.

Oye.

__x

I'm back from my evening stroll. The family isn't here. Guess I'll just make another batch of ramen and call it a night. That's life isn't it? 

04/14/12 Pain

Pain is the body's response to note the individual that something is wrong. Notably, it comes in 2 variants, Physical and Emotional.

Of course while other forms of pain do exist, coverage of all forms would require indepth studies into the matter as the tolerance levels of some individuals negate many factors contributing to the discovery and resolution of noted pain.

Physical pain is caused by messages sent by pain receptors located throughout the individual. The higher level intelligence the organism is capable of, the more pain receptors he/she/it has. Furthermore by being able to perceive it's environment these individuals are thusly able to note not only differences in types of pain (thermal, chemical, mechanical, etc.).

Emotional pain on the other hand is a much more complex matter.

As this one originates in the mind and deviates outwards into formats that the body experiences through other notable issues. Thusly emotional pain can be felt from areas other than the mind (where emotions are processed). Internally the area surrounding the heart muscle is notable as one of the main locations where such pain can be noticed. As emotional delerium progresses past the initial states of  being secluded to the mind, it becomes an increasingly notable as it will manifest itself in the form of physical pain.

__fin

So as it would be. Some small miniscule note has once again stabbed me emotionally and sent me on a whirlwind through fate's door and thusly caused me much pain emotionally. Yes that is the cause. But that's a different story. I will note that this is an interesting study though. Using one's self as the case study makes it impossible for the researcher not to be biased or become emotionally vested in the outcome, be it positive or negative.

The trigger was several hours ago. A small notation of something that must have recently happened. And then I did the worst thing possible. I tried to sleep it off. This is of course foolish. As trying to do so only let the wound fester deeper and longer than necessary. Without clairty of judgement to push away all of the foolish entitlements. The subconscious allowed this nodule to grow to painful and I mean painful proportions.

At this very moment of me typing this blog entry I have acute pain centering in what I would assume is my heart muscle. I'd say about a 2 in centralized area. The feeling is steady. There are things that may cause it to inadvertently flare but I don't really know the exact triggers so I'm walling myself off from many forms of stimuli.

I haven't ingested any caffeine presently and I've limited my sugar intake over what I would normally consume via food. Keeping hydrated with water.

I'll monitor the pain and if it gets too overwhelming I'll have a long cold soak while listening to Pianissimo 1 and 2 on loop. The music doesn't really do much but being able to focus on something else is a noted trick to forcing the mind away from the issue on hand and thus lowering stress levels at least a small amount.

I thusly note that I don't want this pain. It can go fuck itself :) Rather the practice of keeping track of it is a great method by which I have been taught of managing stress levels. My medium of existence lies in words. Words have the power to change people, their emotions and how they perceive the world. Now if only I can remember idiotic structures of English conventional grammar I will be able to give unto the world what my mind dictates.

_x

In other notations, I question why exactly everyone keeps opening up to me. I'll be honest in saying that I don't want it. At the present it acts as another stressor, building upon my mind and soul a weight by which I can neither lift nor fix. 

 "Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."
- The Buddha

Sorry that Civ quote popped in my head just now. And so I had to google and look it up to make sure I got the words right.

Also Lenard Nemoy is free to narrate my life. Well not all of it. Its not that interesting. But in context or rather without it, it can be a lovely story.

04/13/12 Friday

According to the calendar, my news feed and my twitter profile. Today is Friday the 13th! DUN DUN DUN!! *Extra dramatic noises*

Obviously it hasn't been particularly bad luck for me. Or maybe my negativity has balanced itself out. And the general scheme of things has also.

I don't or rather, I haven't felt particularly unlucky today. I haven't been baiting karma either.

Rather I think today has been good. Talked with some of the people I'm friends with, got my dearest Cressy a special present of dead Alliance. It's of course not that amazing. But it's been 5 years in the making. 5 years of PVP, 4 Veteran achievements and a whole lot of time spent running around Alterac Valley and the Foothills of Hillsbrand. Of course there are lots of places I've been with my girl. But that's just a different matter entirely.

 It's a nice feeling of course. That sense of accomplishment that looms over one's mind and the settling feeling over one's heart for having accomplished it all. Ah but that's life is it not :P

04/12/12 Because

Because I'm older and wiser. Because my cat is in my room somewhere.. I know it he has to be. Because I can and mostly because I want to.

Today is today because it wasn't so much yesterday and couldn't or shouldn't feel like tomorrow.

I don't care about your guild. It isn't mine. To give such care.

04/11/12 Lost But Still Found

I got in touch with an old friend recently. I think I made note of that already. This is of course nothing special. The friend however is.

He's a navy kid. But when I met him his aspirations were for the army; my how things do change.

This, though doesn't matter at all. I still like him :P

And who knows maybe I'll get my chance to give him a big hug sometime soon. It'd be nice to say the least.

04/10/12 Text

Now normally, I hate doing this via phone. Blogging that is. Because of the rediculously small screen size and what not else. But thats really not the worst part of it all. Sadly it is the spelling mistakes that I loathe the most. The small ones littered through what I type wven if I'm taking the time to manually do this. Ugh. Anyway if you were wondering, I'm on my phone because I'm texting an old friend and pretending to be asleep. I don't have to pretend. and though I don't have to I wantto. Also speech to text is fail at the momwnt so not touching it again for a while. Further more. Cat :/ Thats all for now.

04/09/12 Ghetto Fabulous

No idea what spurred tonight's title. As I have not been anywhere remotely near the ghetto. Nor have I been doing anything remotely to the point where I would think of that which could be fabulous.

Instead I went out to eat tonight. Dinner at an Asian restaurant. That's a lie. It was a buffet. And as such. I'm bloated. Like uncomfortable in my skin and about to burst bloated. Also ridiculous flavored burps.

Like nastily flavored.

But of course there's other stuff going on. Like my head is flowing.

Also Cat. He does that slurpy noise when he snores. Not always but he must be dreaming about something edible. LIKE MY SOUL. Which mildly worries me. But I could just be hallucinating it all. Cats don't eat souls. They guard them!

04/08/12 Cat

The Cat. He is so comforting to watch in his repose.

Horrible puns. Horrible horrible puns that people keep using as if they're nothing :(

I'm not very punny sadly. Nor do I support the people who keep using them in my life.



In a different world I might suspect that my mind were going insane. But what I would do for a dream to suppress my life and thusly deliver me from the waking world. Which is to say I like living but being awake is most depressing :(

Even more so when the circle of friends I depend on for emotional support seems to dwindle.

But that's another note. And more pressing things are obviously on mind atm.

For instance. These dumplings. EWWWWWWWW. Which is mean for me to say but they are. LIke seriously dill shouldn't have this aftertaste. There's something wrong with it I'm sure. The flavor it's not right. Which isn't to say that I could have made better, nor is it saying that I can pinpoint the exact cause of the flavor faux paus. Rather I don't enjoy this. And that is all that I can say of it.

Considering of course the fact that there should be nothing wrong with it; I have to wonder if the possibility that there is nothing wrong with it and rather my tastes have begun evolving to their next stage... This of course is a possibility as well.

And further more. Apples. I love them. 

04/07/12 Carded

The title of today's blog entry originates from an off-hand friend of mine who is presently almost on the verge of becoming an alcoholic adult. Well no. That's a lie. She's normal enough and safe. It's just that at the present she's almost 21 and still looks like a teen. Which is to say I will laugh my ass off because her youthful complexion will forever be the source of her need to acquire an identification by which she is proven to be at the age of her present-ness.

Of course that is to say what I just typed makes absolutely no sense to most people. And I will admit I don't necessarily think it makes all that much sense. Though re-reading it will make one note the semblance of what is present. Or rather I hope it would at least make enough sense for you as the reader to understand.

Anyway today was another clusterfuck of random-ness. I have on the other hand acquired a tube of toothpaste by which I will enjoy my morning and late night brushings. (My previous bottle having been used to extinction and the replacement thus located before the present replacement, having been not to my tastes and mouth-feel. This one, was indeed a glorious $1, which is to say that I was most pleased by the price. Having consulted an oral hygenist on the matter and being related the news that toothpaste need not be expensive to be efficacious, I thusly decided upon the simple mint flavor by which I enjoy so much.

Also. Chocolate Mint. I want some. Not mint chocolate. Chocolate mint. As in the plant to the right of this block of text.

I had first come upon this interesting varient in knowledge by watching an episode of Iron Chef America in which the contestants battled it out over the beloved concept of mint. It was from that point that I suspected that I too could come in possession of this plant.

It should be noted that while I am not a general fan of most mint chocolate formats (i.e. ice cream or say candies), I instead will note my general favoritism to both rich sweet (preferably milk) chocolates as well as to members of the mint family. It was thus most interesting that while browsing the aisles of Wal-Mart's garden section that I would locate such a beauty.

And though the plants were but small ornamentals, a trait common to many species that have been deemed less than culinary masterpieces.

Hm... On a totally unrelated note. I hate AoM's AI. While I love the premise of the game and would do horrible things to have the original creators get around to building a second installment in the series. I can't help but wonder how stupid the AI has to be to allow their gatherers to be slaughtered rather than fight back against something with 2 HP left :( As such I ended up rage quitting a game rather than defend against 11 other armies by myself. Well like 9 other armies. But you get the drift I hope.

I'm not usually one to ragequit. I would consider myself decently adept with most strategy games or RTS, City-builders and the like. I'm not a leader but I do have the economic powerhouse behind me and all that jazz.

04/06/12 Feeling Alive

Most people would consider today dark and dreary.

For you see the day started in shadows of ominous dark clouds. This sadly cleared away by noon but was later followed by bands of roaming teenage clouds. Clouds that clearly looked like they were full of liquid thunder and rain but instead were full of nothing but empty dreams and lost hopes and desires.

Which is of course to say that it did not rain today. And so I braved the possibility of the rain and proceeded on my evening walk. It was a lovely walk. I kept a brisk pace and followed the same 3.5 mile loop that I have become accustomed to these last few months. And as such it was quick enough for my own speed needs. I detoured and sat in my happy spot and was elated. I don't know why I was elated. I simply was elated.

The dreams last night. It was amazing. 3 separate dreams. I could only remember one though. Driving through a city. Rather a town or suburb. Something interesting... I dunno? There was a festival. A festival of hot sauce. There was something about that dream that I enjoyed. A daring element.

I want that dream back. But I know it'll never happen again. That's the interesting element of dreams after all. They exist in a temporal state that your mind lapses into for but a moment. And when that moment expires, nothing more of it will be available to you. I can ask for it back with all my heart but I know I'll never again be able to walk down that exact road or see the blur of faces.

There were at least 2 other people with me. I followed and walked with them. And at this point, yes now. I have issues. For as I try and attempt to recall more of that night, more of that specific dream, other scraps, flashes and the like from dreams of other nights dance within my field. I have to sift through these memories to know which ones are the ones I'm thinking of, or the fabrications of something else.

I know where to stop the search. The point in the scheme of things where the mind creates false memories for you. I've seen them. I don't want any more of the lies.

04/05/12 Ugh.

I feel horrid this day. The heat has seeped into my being. And if that weren't enough, I now contemplate other outlandish, even delusional ideas and fallacies as I let them be.

I'm forsaking the few friends I have left right now aren't I?

They're sitting there wondering if I still exist online. Others yet who don't remember me anymore. A few rare individuals who genuinely miss me. They'll think I'm just in a bad mood and they would be correct in their supposition. I am in poor spirits. For the melancholy seeps into one's heart and causes even memories that were previously pleasant to sour and fade into angered oblivion.

Angered oblivion? I don't even recognize what I type anymore. Yes I'm in a semi-dazed state at the present. Memories of the near past are lucid and non-standing. I am likewise only in a semi-state of lucidity. Wait is that even a word?

And in case you were wondering, no I'm not intoxicated/high. Note how my spelling is very-decent. I am actually doing a valid attempt at checking to see if my key strokes are working as they are meant to. Which is of course to say that as I type this, my eyes are closed and my fingers are darting along the keyboard with my persona hope that they will strike upon the keyes as I need them to. I'll admit to the casual glance and check to make sure the keys I'm doing are hitting properly. It's responsible to do so I would suspect. After all what could be said of such a meaning/fashion that would nt be by any other man who was to touch the words as they were.

Mr. House won tonight. He finally got the alnd he deserved. i do appologize as my left pinky is having issues with  sensitivity. I suspect it has something to do with how my hands are angled on this keyboard that is propped up.

I blindly type some more, a few words here and a few more there. Just enough to get past what I need to. It's that sort of meaning that I leave to my loves. To the people that I care most about.

There's one dork that I need to let goi of. He doesn't love me anymore. I wonder if he did at all. I must stop thinking it was all a lie. It wasn't. Instead it was a fleeting romance.

A romance is the courting of one member of a species by/to another. I do not act as the one who is to say that which is. But I would think that Destiny has pages for me yet. It's as such that I have to keep trying to find something cure my moodlet. Something practical. Yes. That'd be nice.

04/04/12 The Pool

It's another scorcher. Weather so predictably warm that I'm surprised the mosquitoes haven't found their feeding grounds yet. It's available. So many foolish and unruly individuals. Women, children and bastards alike. Here, sitting almost naked on rickity pool furniture; there wearing unattractive sun bonnets as they sip overpriced bottled water in the shade.

It's another scorcher and I'm sitting by the pool. "Why am I out here, instead of being lazy at home?" Crosses my mind. It's been crossing my mind for the past hour and a half. But right now it's being excessively persistent, so much so that I actually take note of it. And it's at this point that, thinking to myself; I realize. I don't have to be here. I'm here because I'm crazy enough to want to be here. Or rather it's because on the terms of my employment as a babysitter, I have no choice but to choose an athletic event of some varient so this overweight child will not be so overweight.

The pool is one of three options available to me. The first being a bike ride. My ass still hurts from the overly small seat. It's designed obviously for small-assed people. I am not a small-assed person. And so This one does the nasty jab to my tail bone that makes me cringe every time the pavement is uneven.

Then of course there is the Tennis option. I too hate this one. The court is fine, the rackets usable, the balls plausible and firm. It is the sun that gets me. And the fact that this kid is blind. And afraid of the fucking ball. It's as if I'm aiming at a wild rabbit. His startled shock as he flails the racket is more of a comic attraction than any form of exercise. It means nothing, and the most I'm exercising is my patience.

And so it is the pool that I have resorted to. The pool is as other standard ones for housing communities. It's big enough for people to comfortably swim in without too much elbow rubbing, and at the same time there is the fact that it is mostly clean (though once in a while some stupid mother lets their kid shit in the pool :/). I have nothing inherently against the pool, so much as the people who decide to use this facility. As it would stand I earn a minimum of 3 points for my 4squared account every time I check in here. And then again is the fact that because of the absence of houses in the immediate vicinity, the wind spirits can occasionally feel free to grace me with a gentle zephyr so as to keep the sweat from permeating into my being.

It is to this location that I have taken my ward so as to keep him within acceptable weight guidelines. And it is to this location that I have set up my dominion. I choose for my territory an unoccupied table with 4 chairs. It's less a chair and more of a structure by which cords of plastic have been lashed across. In this manner I found it possible that my big assed self would actually stretch several of the plastic cords apart and at the end of my reign I would find that my keys had found this secret crevice and by means of being the right size for it, had slipped through the fissure and almost made an untimely escape from my person.

Of course at the time of my typing this narrative I am once again within the reaches of an air-conditioned haven. Away from the troubles of the world and once again upon my beloved grimoire. I contemplate at this time the ramifications of typing further. For that would mean I am caring. And caring is bad. At the same I question why I would assume writing about myself is a sign of caring. Because it obviously isn't. It's more along the realms of me putting my ideas to paper (or at least to a digital screen).

The pool today was uneventful that is to say. I sat and read of Upton Sinclair. His masterpiece novel of how Capitalism is bad and Communism is magically going to save the world. Yes I think it's shortsighted and unrealistic, but my library is rather small and as such I take what I can have and read as I deem necessary. This piece fit my needs for the moment. That's enough to take my mind off of things that are closer hitting and biting. Like the prospects of the future.

And my still consistent unemployment issue. Or of how I know how to write but I don't know how to apply it. Or how I'm a brilliant mind but a troubled soul. And of course the list goes on and on. And what is further said is further and less known and thus improbable to make strange and unlikely notes of.

I have to get cooking soon. Maybe I'll revisit this post in a few. Good night if I don't. Later if I do?

04/03/12 Skittles

I typed the title of today's entry because I have a skittles wrapper on my desk.

It has nothing with tasting rainbows or enjoying candy. Or even of the obscure shade of berry that they used for the wrapper. Yes I note that I already mentioned something color related by specifying rainbow. I don't really feel like making note of something olfactory, tactile or auditory related so this'll do in my laze.

A good calligraphy pen can do wonders...

For you see I have a silver one. And I'm quite please that it hasn't dried out yet. So... I've been playing around with it and I've noted that it does magical things for what I intend for it to do.

As such I tend to end up scribbling with it.

04/02/12 Heat

Color: Red.

Symbol: Wave structure

Type: Emanation.

Description: It's fucking hot :/ Today was. Which is just me bitching of course. As at most it was what maybe 90ish? Well it felt horrid. Humidity is on the rise again in this little world of mine.

_

It's Monday. I have stuff to get done. Head feeling funny. Gut not agreeing with fish. Chest in pain again over past ideas and thought processes.

As Salamu Alaykum

May you be with peace, honored friend. For the gates of heaven stand open for such a cherished member of the world. Your voice is the law by which the common man may live his life and by which the shunned and damned heed to listen. Your grace is the enchanting walk by which I have followed and here and now you are welcome. To my abode, to my hearth, to dine with me. For you are friends of this circle and within it you and I are like brothers separated at birth, destined to meet again. In such words I greet you, my friend. 

___

Sorry about that? Not sure what got into me. Suddenly spewed out random words? I dunno :/ Anyway unusually sleepy though I'll shrug it off as I know I can. Still haven't heard back from any of the places I applied for a job at though :/ This bothers and annoys me. I need something to start paying off my pressing issues and start saving for my dream truck (still only 13k)

___

Also I am a sage of words long past. Well no, that's a god damn lie and I of all people know it. Instead. I'm here procrastinating talking to someone I care about. Probably because it hurts to do so.

I promised my ex that I'd leave him be. And while this very concept hurts me deeply, I have to honor what I've said and make it come to pass. The otherday out of the blue he private messages me on one of the forums I frequent (hilariously enough the same one we met on). Anyway his message wasn't particularly pleasant (at least I viewed it in such a manner as to be less than pleasant). And well it hurts. It fucking hurts a lot.

I'm an emotional guy. Not going to deny that. Nor will I remotely attempt to deny the fact that within me festers an anger that builds upon the bullshit of a thousand hurt feelings and a pride struck down by the realization that the ones that I care about, often care so little about me. It's not like saying that I don't have friends or the like.

It's more along the lines of noting that rather than friends, most of the people in theis world view me as a tool. They don't see me as an actual person. In a sense that's how I feel about my ex at the moment. It's hard to say and worst to think. But I kinda still feel used. The forced isolation from him only imposes more of this feeling upon me.


And so i think of other times and memories. Something more favorable perhaps? I don't really know anymore.


___

But enough of this. A new train of thought I beg of thee or Loreweaver.

And in his grace, the loreweaver did grant me the slightest of blessings. The words he said and the ones by which he would honor my sacrifices. Each in turn will be and has been and will have been. Written.

Cast out the thoughts of the impure I did say to him. And he asked if that were a question or a statement. To which I replied. "All that was said will have been done. What matters if the words be said as a question or as a note. In each the meaning is made, whether clear or troubled, desolate or inopportune. And to this. You will have the words be done. So unto you as was to say, So unto me the souls depart."

04/01/12 Not sure if serious or if April Fools

Today is the day of April Fools.

It's the first day of the new month and officially marks what could have been my two year anniversary with my first bf. That being said, it was a hella long time ago and as I no longer have feelings for him, I have little reason to make note of it other than because it was my first relationship.

Well I guess the fact that I used this date and some other letters symbols and numbers as a password for one website or another also makes it very memorable within my mind.

But that of course is another note for another time, and another memory for the same.

It's of another question from a time even further ago that makes me ponder if only that which I have in mind to think and even less to say if could never more be think such as like.

Now if I haven't lost you yet...

Hm... This evening's walk was delightful. In the sense that it was cool and there weren't too many bugs assailing my every exposed patch of skin.

It's of course an evening where my beloved Cressy will be getting a bit of an exercise running around the netherstorm killing folk.


This being said, I am so pleased with how my dearest Cressy has grown over the last 5 years of her existence.