Were these last 8 months all a dream then? I guess so. I guess. *sigh*
All a dream of something that I thought would last. A dream that was so close I could literally hold onto it.
But I guess I can use it to put things into perspective. I hate myself.
And yes I've thought about hurting myself. Quite recently to be exact. And only 2 things in this forsaken world are stopping me from doing just that. The first being that I don't like other people cleaning up my messes. And if I offed myself that'd be a lot of mess to clean up. And the second being I have some self-respect left even at this point.
What self-respect? Well I've gotten this far haven't I? I've clawed my way out of hell. Nearly died of cancer at least once. Been almost mugged a few times in my life. Learned what it's like to be homeless, jobless, depressed, alone, unwanted, and even after all of that... Even then. What level do I have to myself? What deserving quality do I give myself that is a "reason" per say.
I don't know. But somewhere down there in the bottom of my being I've thought about it through well enough to decide. Live damn it. Live because I told you to. It's not meaningful in any other sense but telling me to fucking live.
And I guess I have to listen to that. And Live I shall.
As for my current relationship status. If you see my page anywhere and it lists otherwise, message me and I'll delete any erroneous information.
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