Thursday Again

On a mountain far away, find my heart and find my soul. In a land near yet far, love me plenty, see me soar.

Yeppers that's my status update on both of my facebooks up to late... And twitter. Which may in part be why I'm so out of it. I guess it's really how I'm feeling up to this point about the whole ordeal of the trip that I'm on. It's Thursday morning and I'm typing this post from a a lovely Holiday Inn Express. It's clean, warm and reminds me of something that truly feels like home.  


I'm really not sure whats going on within myself. I'm not really the same person. I won't necessarily say that it's this trip that's done it to me. Why yes the environment is different. And undoubtedly being taken to the desert and other places has given me not only a certain different state of mind but in general how I feel.


Well I guess the main thing that's come to mind is that I realized that an old friend of mine is in a relationship... Which of course shouldn't bother me at all since we were never more than friends. Well yeah I liked him sometime ago, but passing crushes and what not happen all the time. I met him about a year ago actually. A chance encounter on Facebook that became more. We talked and what not semi-regularly, and then life happened. We drifted and what not and here we are on today's page.


He's dating the girl that I had a feeling he would. I wasn't surprised at all about that much, the fact that he's now bi is a bit more startling but still nothing special. Oh yeah I should probably put in here somewhere that he's in a poly-am relationship with a guy I don't know and this girl. I guess it's the fact that I've drifted so far away from him that's really what's shocking to me. Something's stirring inside of me that I really can't explain. Jealousy? Regret? Betrayal? After exploring all of them, my chest still mildly aches but I don't have an explanation that's remotely close to what I've been seeking. I had originally thought that at least being able to write things out would help.


At this point in my post I would began ranting again about how much I hate being on this trip. But at this point I'm Ok. I've come to terms with my self and the fact that my parents are attempting something that won't work out. I've got 2 more days on the road and I'm gone. Just a blur of nothing, right? The endless roads out here are special. It's the contrast of the red dirt against the ground and then the depth of the world around them. It's the fact that I'm expecting a sand dune desert and am getting swarmed by this shrub land that's messing with me. Or maybe it's the shear number of small desert rodents that I'm interested in. 


Meh.
Meh.
Meh.



That's a good way of saying things right? Yeah now it is :) 


I'm being unstable again. Or at least that's what I'd like to think. I'm just a a little someone right now. A sparkle of a ghost against the cosmos behind me. 


I need time with the BF I guess. Just a little time with him. 3 days without internet and cell reception seems to have done this with me. A single weekend would be amazing. Just a bit of time with him. Being able to hold him against me right now. If you've never known the feel of someone else's love holding onto you... I don't really know. But I do want to be with him. September. Which should be next month, a time when I can be closer to him. I'll have to find a job and money, a flight, a hotel and monies :P. Yes double monies. Oh the harsh realities of a long-distance relationship and how it strains me just a little bit every day and every day more makes me wish for my special someone to be closer. 


Well I can make that happen. Very soon. I have a chance to apply to Rider. And if I do get into Rider. Well... What then? Would I give up everything I have here to move forward to be with someone I love? Or would I not let such a thing happen? If I did then I'd feel as if I'd failed my boyfriend. But then who's life would I be had?


I don't know. I'm scared. I don't deny it. 


But this is who I've been and always will be. Never afraid of moving forward, but when I look down, I'm scared. Like climbing the cliff. I'm afraid of falling but I move forward as a challenge to myself. It is only when I let myself look down, that I see the height to which I've climbed and truly begin to fear. That all consuming fear that shakes my body and causes me to struggle within myself as to my next decision. It is then that I'm truly afraid. 


And now I want to move forward again. Give me your hand Fen and show me the path forward.