10/31/11 Was it all a dream?

Were these last 8 months all a dream then? I guess so. I guess. *sigh*

All a dream of something that I thought would last. A dream that was so close I could literally hold onto it.

But I guess I can use it to put things into perspective. I hate myself.

And yes I've thought about hurting myself. Quite recently to be exact. And only 2 things in this forsaken world are stopping me from doing just that. The first being that I don't like other people cleaning up my messes. And if I offed myself that'd be a lot of mess to clean up. And the second being I have some self-respect left even at this point.

What self-respect? Well I've gotten this far haven't I? I've clawed my way out of hell. Nearly died of cancer at least once. Been almost mugged a few times in my life. Learned what it's like to be homeless, jobless, depressed, alone, unwanted, and even after all of that... Even then. What level do I have to myself? What deserving quality do I give myself that is a "reason" per say.

I don't know. But somewhere down there in the bottom of my being I've thought about it through well enough to decide. Live damn it. Live because I told you to. It's not meaningful in any other sense but telling me to fucking live.

And I guess I have to listen to that. And Live I shall.

As for my current relationship status. If you see my page anywhere and it lists otherwise, message me and I'll delete any erroneous information.

10/30/11 How Crazy Your Love

So I was online and While browsing stuff I happened upon an unreleased album for one of my favorite artists. Namely it's YUI's album How Crazy Your Love.

It's a lovely album so far, and I can't but help relistening to a few of the tracks as I enjoy them a few times. It's nice.

Well to be exact I needed some me-time. Which is largely the reason I'm listening to the album in the first place. Well yes I'm aware that being in my present situation and doing little more than lounging is neither productive nor creative. And considering the endless amount of things that I keep tasking myself with that get rolled over by a  mix of compulsion and what not!... Anyway. So yeah it's a lovely album.

So yeah because web traffic is going to redirect people here and they'll think they're being ripped off.

Visit my other link http://Hzydreams.blogspot.com if you want a link to the songs. Yeah still working on it and it's likely to be rough for a while but I have a feeling it'll be nice soon :)

Anyway back to me. Feeling a bit meh still but gonna get over that soon enough. Here's to another tomorrow.

10/29/11 Alone

And so it starts another phase of my day/night of me simply being alone. I sit here typing and wonder if maybe this isn't the best course of action. Which of course is bullshit since it is.

And then I think more of it and I realize that being alone gives me an amount of freedom... I can stop worrying for once about offending someone or anyone. And though that alone feeling really isn't all to pleasant. I do what I can and live as I must. All because I am who I am. No one can stop that.


And maybe you shouldn't either.