You ever get one of those feelings? The ones in your legs that keeps you tapping to music that's looping in your head? The kind that drives you crazy but you don't know how to sate it? I have one of those right now. A struggling kind of music that's bouncing in my head and driving my legs to crazy rhythms. I'm feeling one of those right now.
Well that and generalized anger. I hate being here.
I just got another 2 hours of my life wasted away. "Your life sucks." "You're not good for anything." "Look at what you've done with your life: nothing." "Are you even human? You're not worthy of being called a human."
Yep it's shit like this. If the internet could see what I've lived through. If I had the will to just put it all on paper. But what would that garner for me? Sympathy? What is sympathy going to do for me? Nothing that I could use. Sympathy will allow the world to lend an ear. One that I would enjoy. Maybe?
But no this isn't a time for wishing for sympathy. I want results.
Being in this hellhole (it emotionally drains me of life, I survive if only through hatred, which is less living and more existing. What point is there to only exist?). I hate it. I hate it all. I want to leave. And when I realize the resources to. I'm gone. I promise myself that I'll never come back. And that's the final-ness of it all.
We all have those moments don't we?
I want one for good. One where I'll take my journals with me. All the hardships and pains I've lived take them back from the world and take them far far away from here.
I rashly told my father that he didn't know me at all, that I wasn't what he thought or expected or knew. How did he respond? "I don't want to know you at all."
This is my family. In their civilness. In all their miafounded glory. This is my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment