I'm sad now. Been waiting a month and a half. And in all of that I was hopeful that I would make a good show of my abilities and capabilities. Sadly it seems it wasn't good enough. Well maybe it's just me who wasn't good enough.
One way or another, I had always left this as a possibility in the back of my mind. That yes I wouldn't get hired. Well it's reasonable to believe isn't it? I wasn't amazing by any standard. That my capabilities as a writer weren't advanced enough to truly garner the worth of things. It would seem that I really don't have much choice but join the military now.
Yeah I guess I'll have to. I have less than a month for another decision to jump out at me. Anything at all. I'd love for there to be some glimmer of hope out there for me.
Of course the navy wasn't my first option. Nor the second, nor the third. But at this time I have little option else.
I have to be positive though. I've lived this long on my own initiative. I've survived this much hardship. I'm not going to let a single email bring me so far down. Yes, it's a setback. Yes, it goes against my plans and makes my day that much less. But I can learn from it. And that's something special.
I can learn from it and from that I can be stronger.
Hell I've been told I might die. I've been told to kill myself because I wasn't worth anything.
It's almost strange. My mind is telling me that I should feel angry/sad/depressed/isolated/alone. Yet I'm strangely numb to all of that.
Maybe it's because I always did know that I wouldn't get it. That such a lucky streak was too good to be true. Too good for me. Like I was meant to wallow in depression for a bit longer before I reach my lowest of lows. One can only move up after such a time right?
And so yes I guess I'm down over the matter. I've had this setback in a long line of setbacks. I've gazed into the maw of the beast and seen my own reflection. But I didn't give a shit. I gripped life and moved forward with everything. I'm stronger for having seen these hardships. And while yes I'm in a chaotic state of debt and my depression really isn't helping matters at all. I live. And that's the most important thing of all.
That I keep living. So I can bitchslap life for hurting me this much. So that I know everything I've lived for this long wasn't wasted. And while no, I didn't make the best decisions. I could have made tons of better choices with my life. Hell I could have been someone else if I changed it all. And/or maybe I would have seen the light and earned something out of it. But that's the past and one doesn't change the past. One changes what will be. No. I hate what has been written thus far about my existence. It's endless word upon words of stuff that hurt when I browse over them. Lines of text stating my faults, my fallicies and most of all my crushed dreams.
But I can learn from it. I have to learn from it all. I need to trust myself. Trust every word I've ever spoken. Stand behind them. That's all that I have right now.
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