Sorry for being morbid at such hours of the night.
I couldn't sleep. Well I haven't been able to for a while. About an hour or so now.
I'm just sitting here at my laptop. Wondering.
I'm contemplating suicide again. For any number of reasons.
Because life hurts. That's saying very little. Especially considering all that's going on. But I just want to die right now. This knife is sharp enough that I can just stab myself in the heart and end my present misery.
I don't believe in the concept of a heaven or a hell. And what little faith I had in Karma. That's over too. Self-love? Self-loathing.
My very world is void of emotions right now.
Well maybe not all emotions. Just pain seems to be emanate from me. An ayakashi that feeds off of dark emotions would have much happiness simply being in my presence. Hmph.
Which is to say that I care so little about living right now that not even fear of the future can disdain me.
I live in a world of negativity. It's a lot of nay-say this and nay-say that. But more important of course is the fact as one of the living (presently), I exist in a reality that is neither productive or generally good for my health.
In one style of thinking. There are 2 things present. The heart which bears all emotion. And the feather that represents the truths. Or something like that. Tapping from my poor memory of Egyptian mythology here. Which is of course to say that while I should be able to recall all of this and how the impure thoughts and tears clouding my eyes do delude me.
All I want is to be free of these chains. I don't know how. Well death is one of those ways; no?
eye for an eye. Blood for Blood.
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