04/06/12 Feeling Alive

Most people would consider today dark and dreary.

For you see the day started in shadows of ominous dark clouds. This sadly cleared away by noon but was later followed by bands of roaming teenage clouds. Clouds that clearly looked like they were full of liquid thunder and rain but instead were full of nothing but empty dreams and lost hopes and desires.

Which is of course to say that it did not rain today. And so I braved the possibility of the rain and proceeded on my evening walk. It was a lovely walk. I kept a brisk pace and followed the same 3.5 mile loop that I have become accustomed to these last few months. And as such it was quick enough for my own speed needs. I detoured and sat in my happy spot and was elated. I don't know why I was elated. I simply was elated.

The dreams last night. It was amazing. 3 separate dreams. I could only remember one though. Driving through a city. Rather a town or suburb. Something interesting... I dunno? There was a festival. A festival of hot sauce. There was something about that dream that I enjoyed. A daring element.

I want that dream back. But I know it'll never happen again. That's the interesting element of dreams after all. They exist in a temporal state that your mind lapses into for but a moment. And when that moment expires, nothing more of it will be available to you. I can ask for it back with all my heart but I know I'll never again be able to walk down that exact road or see the blur of faces.

There were at least 2 other people with me. I followed and walked with them. And at this point, yes now. I have issues. For as I try and attempt to recall more of that night, more of that specific dream, other scraps, flashes and the like from dreams of other nights dance within my field. I have to sift through these memories to know which ones are the ones I'm thinking of, or the fabrications of something else.

I know where to stop the search. The point in the scheme of things where the mind creates false memories for you. I've seen them. I don't want any more of the lies.