In this life time, we all have to keep in mind specific things. The most important is that no matter how tough the road is presently. Eventually it will even out and the mental strain of the whole matter will become but a horrid memory of the past.
I'm no virgin to stress. I had all about accepted death as a factor of my life a few years back. The 5 stages of grief were nothing more than good friends who's wisdom I kept in my heart, even if my mind tuned them out.
What were their names again? Denial, Anger, Barter, Depression and Acceptance. Yep I intimately know each of these. They ran through my head and I held their hands as we me moved down this path. It was my path though. One that I ended up taking even if I didn't want to. Each step of the way a painful reminder of all that I had lost.
Denial? The first brother to offer his hand down my journey. I stayed with him for only a brief period of time. I offered the thoughts that there was no way I could have been that ill. That it was only old and frail people who could possibly get cancer. But it was it's own process.
Anger. The second sibling. Her rage pulsed through me as I concerned myself with things. I thought and pondered and screamed at myself until I was hoarse. But it didn't feel any better. And besides even if I wanted to do anything else, the medication and fasting sapped what little strength I had.
Barter. The brother of temptations and unfulfilled consequences. I spent much time in his care. We talked about how short my life had thus been, how few things I had experienced. How much I wanted desperately to feel; to hold; to but have someone love me. "If Only."
Depression. The sibling of the longest stretch of my journey. For what else could I do. I would lie there in bed. Ill. Too tired; too weak. Hallucinating. This is the end of all I would consider; each story but driving a stake deeper and deeper into my chest. Hurting.
Acceptance. The sister of peace. Those moments of clarity after the previous four had departed. I would enjoy her voice, as it sang to me the verses of knowledge and of the path that I could soon travel. She was the greatest I could imagine.
It is in these 5 siblings that I had truth bind to me. That I learned of my own emotions. That I considered all possibilities. That I accepted and forgave. That I learned to yearn and hold fast to everything I had. But it will always be easier just to let go.
But Life or Death; Fate or Purpose had a different path for me to walk. And so I took it when offered. I don't deny that I am alive today if not for having something to hold onto. I honestly can't say exactly what it was that truly gave me the edge I needed.
That being said. I didn't really know what was in that beyond. It could have been heaven; hell; the astral stream; nothing? Now days; I am more inclined to feel that at the end of that which is life; the Egyptians knew what was most likely to happen. It's possible of course that they always had a inkling of it. And if it were; at the end of my life time. My heart will be judged against the feather of truth. And I will stand there and wish and hope and pray that the feather is in balance. The nothingness that could happen if it weren't scares me far more. But that's of little consequence.
Like I said. It's been 4 years now. 4 years to next month or the month after actually. That I parted hands with the five siblings. Left each on their own. And walked back through the threshold of life. I am alive now. That's what matters; no?
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