A good day for the beach. Overcast skies; few (er) people (than usual) and warm waves (well part of the beach was).
The wind. It was phenomenal. I stood there in the surf. The waves battering my legs in warm spray. I stood there like an idiot. Contemplating the world around me. Breathing in the salty air; eyes closed and listening to ambient noise of the zephyrs.
And through it all I kept thinking of the lyrics to one of Gotye's songs. This one:
It's a powerful songs. The lyrics make me think of things from my past. Or rather people. My still recentish relationship with K. It's interesting really. Or less interesting and more pathetic of my mind to loop over that stream of thought.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. That the concept of a relationship doesn't apply to this one. And rather than a single entity; the world would prefer to relay it's memory to me from my faults.
Yes, yes it has been noticed how much this one uses the first person in his writings. I should refrain from that; but then again this is MY blog. It's about my experiences and the stuff and clusterfucks that end up in my mind.
Ya know it's funny and this time I mean seriously funny how at one time I honestly thought I was cursed . Something smacked me and I opened my eyes... and then I realized I was loved. Or less loved and more lusted over. The concepts of friends around me. They more or less don't exist. I can't really say that. Some of these people at least outwardly seem to care about me. Not in any capacity that I can find useful; but on an emotional level they seem to want to connect with me. It hurts; often times a lot to think of them like that. Just parasites leeching away at my dwindling sanity level.
But then again; we're all leeches to something aren't we?
My first ex had a term for my personality. He called it a "Psychic Vampire". Now should I google this term... Hm... Now that's interesting. One of the definitions... I've actually used for myself before. In it's list of symptoms; the ability to drain vital/emotional energy from those around them. What makes it interesting though; is that I thought I did the same thing for a long period of time. That when I entered people's lives. I sapped something from them. And over a course of time; the miasma produced caused those around me to end up harboring ill intentions towards me. And if not ill intentions; then something that eventually would cause whatever level of relationship between us to rapidly deteriorate.
I want to know more about this quality.
It fascinates me. Even more so now that I've looked into it some.
Maybe I am just a vampire as they keep saying.
It's a thought isn't it? A vampire of emotional health of those around me.
No comments:
Post a Comment