It's now almost 5, but by the time I finish posting this it will have long since past the hour that is 5 a.m. or rather since theres only 2 hours left of my shift in this accursed hall, I have come to wonder if I'm really on the path that I want to be on.
I'm going to graduate from college in a week. It's coming here NOW... and I don't feel prepared in the slightest. I don't feel ready, and I definitely don't feel like I'm in the right place or the right position in life.
This isn't the proverbial "Born This Way" that I'm hoping for. I'm neither in the stage of life that I want, nor am I in a state of mind that begs to be perfect. I don't have fall plans prepared. I'm going to have to ask a friend to let me stay with them for a bit because that's generally how it's going to be. I'll be there for x,y,z amount time and after that I'll simply be floating... Grad School is in my perspectus and after that? What good sir is after that... I don't know.
My good friend Tyr once said that I should have gone to culinary school. Forgone all this undergrad BS and instead enjoy the good life or rather what of it I'd let myself experience. And looking at it, I might have enjoyed as much. But now's not the time to get into what could have been.
My therapist has been telling me that for the longest time. Stop contemplating the past and how things could have been. Why? Because that's the core of my issues from last year. Last Summer and Fall I was obsessed at how my relationship with Fao could have been better. Obsessing about it doesn't cut close to what I was going through.
Maybe it'll be in MY future again in the future. I can think like that :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Atrocious
It's almost 2 a.m. and that means war for yours truly. For at 2 a.m. the young individuals whose names I neither know nor care to find out start stumbling back to this hall. Their simple yet malicious actions of intoxicated stupidity outside are nothing compared to what I will soon have to experience when they grace the doors of my halls.
Even before they enter, I will hear the sounds of the masses slopping forth, each step an echo of the doom they bring. They of course need no name. A horde seems but fitting for them.
And of this group I have neither an ability to give one feature to describe any single entity that would happen to appear. Of the males of the species, two distinct groups exist. The first being of the group I know as the bro's. Of this group are individuals who are incapable of admitting their sexuality, and many more who are so enamored by their perceived perception of masculinity that they forgo both sense and common language abilities as they have given up both even before the drink took ahold of them.
The latter of this group are the depressed slopping groups that have left alone. Deprived of both a group to sustain their egos and being incapable of neither procuring a mate or even a friend for their company, these stragglers walk and slide through my door. They act as shadows that move, creeping past silently; their black shirts passing between the mind's eye and the realm of the space of night that my menial existence flourishes. I glance at them as I sit here thinking for a moment that I should attempt to strike a conversation so as to lighten their mood, but as I am there I realize that I need neither their depression nor their lack of friends to make me feel better about my existence.
Of the females to grace my doors are but in a measure a similar set of two kinds. The alphas of these groups have friends, they carry their little make-shift purses as if they hold precious treasures, and granted it must contain their phones; I am guessing it should measure out to be something along those lines. As I sit here glaring at them for their wardrobe malfunctions, the scandalous misfits of cloth that must pass for high-end fashion, I conjecture that they must have danced for their shoes are now in hand. I facepalm for but a moment as I gather their IDs for the inevitable number of room lock outs that have and will soon happen again. For it would seem that the ability to manage one's property goes out the door the moment these ladies decide to have a night out on the town. They stumble forward grasping at their friends and in general acting as ladies-of-the-night. I don't doubt a transaction of money is occuring at this and later tonight...
Of the second group are the females who may or may not have been drinking. They neither stumble nor do they walk perfectly. Instead the weight of the bag of McDonalds seems to out-weigh their purses and as they grasp at both, they inevitably must hand one to a friend since their phones are going off with texts from the friend who hasn't come home yet.
As an individual who is security conscious, I consider each individual who graces my door. And though I am past the stage of giving a shit about the noise level. The resident assistant who is on call tonight gave up on caring also. She sits there interspersing conversing with her boyfriend over skype and then again with the loud group of bro's present. I have thus given up on the same. And I ignore them all until I must once again go on rounds to check on the damages present.
It's gonna be a long night my dear chaps. And for you and myself both, lets hope that the horde that I've detailed are few and far between. Or getting arrested and not making their presence known.
Even before they enter, I will hear the sounds of the masses slopping forth, each step an echo of the doom they bring. They of course need no name. A horde seems but fitting for them.
And of this group I have neither an ability to give one feature to describe any single entity that would happen to appear. Of the males of the species, two distinct groups exist. The first being of the group I know as the bro's. Of this group are individuals who are incapable of admitting their sexuality, and many more who are so enamored by their perceived perception of masculinity that they forgo both sense and common language abilities as they have given up both even before the drink took ahold of them.
The latter of this group are the depressed slopping groups that have left alone. Deprived of both a group to sustain their egos and being incapable of neither procuring a mate or even a friend for their company, these stragglers walk and slide through my door. They act as shadows that move, creeping past silently; their black shirts passing between the mind's eye and the realm of the space of night that my menial existence flourishes. I glance at them as I sit here thinking for a moment that I should attempt to strike a conversation so as to lighten their mood, but as I am there I realize that I need neither their depression nor their lack of friends to make me feel better about my existence.
Of the females to grace my doors are but in a measure a similar set of two kinds. The alphas of these groups have friends, they carry their little make-shift purses as if they hold precious treasures, and granted it must contain their phones; I am guessing it should measure out to be something along those lines. As I sit here glaring at them for their wardrobe malfunctions, the scandalous misfits of cloth that must pass for high-end fashion, I conjecture that they must have danced for their shoes are now in hand. I facepalm for but a moment as I gather their IDs for the inevitable number of room lock outs that have and will soon happen again. For it would seem that the ability to manage one's property goes out the door the moment these ladies decide to have a night out on the town. They stumble forward grasping at their friends and in general acting as ladies-of-the-night. I don't doubt a transaction of money is occuring at this and later tonight...
Of the second group are the females who may or may not have been drinking. They neither stumble nor do they walk perfectly. Instead the weight of the bag of McDonalds seems to out-weigh their purses and as they grasp at both, they inevitably must hand one to a friend since their phones are going off with texts from the friend who hasn't come home yet.
As an individual who is security conscious, I consider each individual who graces my door. And though I am past the stage of giving a shit about the noise level. The resident assistant who is on call tonight gave up on caring also. She sits there interspersing conversing with her boyfriend over skype and then again with the loud group of bro's present. I have thus given up on the same. And I ignore them all until I must once again go on rounds to check on the damages present.
It's gonna be a long night my dear chaps. And for you and myself both, lets hope that the horde that I've detailed are few and far between. Or getting arrested and not making their presence known.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Morning
Right now, it's not morning. Morning will come eventually, but it's not here right now. Me well I'm awake.
I just ended up making myself a tasty pot of ramen. And though it was quite delicious, I think in large part this meal's delicious quality spawns from the fact that this was my first meal of the day. Which granted how much and what I'm eating leads me to believe that I am indeed becoming a college student.
I seemed to have skipped a day in my 365 saga, and so :(
So I guess I'll just have to make it up somehow...
I just ended up making myself a tasty pot of ramen. And though it was quite delicious, I think in large part this meal's delicious quality spawns from the fact that this was my first meal of the day. Which granted how much and what I'm eating leads me to believe that I am indeed becoming a college student.
I seemed to have skipped a day in my 365 saga, and so :(
So I guess I'll just have to make it up somehow...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Orange Soda Dreams
It's Tuesday evening and I'm at work once again.
And of all the random things I have to think of, of course it's orange soda. I remember a snippet from my dream the other night and that's how the naming of this post began.
I had a dream and in it, one of my friends needed something specific. They asked for my roll of blue electrical tape. I still have it and as I walked into my room earlier I noticed it and recalled how it was in my dream.
What do these random occurrences mean? Beats me. But I'd like to find out one day.
And of all the random things I have to think of, of course it's orange soda. I remember a snippet from my dream the other night and that's how the naming of this post began.
I had a dream and in it, one of my friends needed something specific. They asked for my roll of blue electrical tape. I still have it and as I walked into my room earlier I noticed it and recalled how it was in my dream.
What do these random occurrences mean? Beats me. But I'd like to find out one day.
Monday, July 25, 2011
What would I have to do?
To make Kyle stop apologizing so much? It's not like I expect him to be here every second of every day for me...
And though I admit that I am kinda bummed that he's missing now, it's not like I wasn't expecting him to have a life and to have places to go and things to do. So I guess the point of this post is to realize that I acknowledge that my boyfriend is busy and that I would like him to kindly stop apologizing for having to do whatever it is that boyfriends do at midnight.
And though I admit that I am kinda bummed that he's missing now, it's not like I wasn't expecting him to have a life and to have places to go and things to do. So I guess the point of this post is to realize that I acknowledge that my boyfriend is busy and that I would like him to kindly stop apologizing for having to do whatever it is that boyfriends do at midnight.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Issues
So it would seem.
That the gods of stress want me to stress more. What am I talking about now? :P
No I'm not going to rant about this evening. It's a lot less than it could be. Well to be perfectly honest, it's been a lot less than what I've been dealing with since this summer.
Mostly I guess the stress of rushing around so much is getting to me. I'm lazy by nature. A sedentary life style most of this evening has shown that I'm overweight and that my legs aren't having it. Well ok that's an exaggeration as well. I could easily keep walking at least half the night away because I have a feeling I'd probably end up doing as much anyway...
So once all the layers of blarney are peeled off of the situation, it ends up with me being here at my laptop procrastinating once again as I have something I should be doing, but of course I haven't started it even... I know I'll get it done before the time it's due.
And as such, I'm semi-letting myself procrastinate more. That and my stomach isn't feeling 100%
I don't really think Jimmy Johns is doing me any good right now. My beach club was tasty but not helping me... Something about it was mildly off? Something... Off. That and my stomach just isn't being nice.
I'm talking to my friends at least so that's me.
That the gods of stress want me to stress more. What am I talking about now? :P
No I'm not going to rant about this evening. It's a lot less than it could be. Well to be perfectly honest, it's been a lot less than what I've been dealing with since this summer.
Mostly I guess the stress of rushing around so much is getting to me. I'm lazy by nature. A sedentary life style most of this evening has shown that I'm overweight and that my legs aren't having it. Well ok that's an exaggeration as well. I could easily keep walking at least half the night away because I have a feeling I'd probably end up doing as much anyway...
So once all the layers of blarney are peeled off of the situation, it ends up with me being here at my laptop procrastinating once again as I have something I should be doing, but of course I haven't started it even... I know I'll get it done before the time it's due.
And as such, I'm semi-letting myself procrastinate more. That and my stomach isn't feeling 100%
I don't really think Jimmy Johns is doing me any good right now. My beach club was tasty but not helping me... Something about it was mildly off? Something... Off. That and my stomach just isn't being nice.
I'm talking to my friends at least so that's me.
Sunday Morning
It's officially Sunday when I started to type this entry and to say the least it's the first one in a while. I think I'll try to do a post a day for a week and see how that works for me. I do seem to have that tendency to go for x amount of time between posts for whatever reason. And though it's mostly because I simply put off writing much like most important tasks in my life, I also tend to realize that it's because part of me wonders if anyone (other than myself) will ever look back on these posts and blankly stare at me for being odd/whatever I guess I am.
And as I think of it. I do seem to ramble just a little bit...
Oh god... 3 hours since I started writing this I finally get back...
And as I think of it. I do seem to ramble just a little bit...
Oh god... 3 hours since I started writing this I finally get back...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Were it so,
If it could be said that my mind was melting, I'd simply reply would it be so.
It's Thursday morning and I'm procrastinating the fuck out of life again. Being an extremely rude mix of bored and tired, this individual that is typing in front of you would love to wake up. I can't really remember what I had been dreaming of, but waking up to a panic attack doesn't feel good :(.
Anyway, yeah I know I mentioned it's Thursday but there's many things about this weekend that aren't so great. namely Saturday night = another likely round of war with the bad kids of DeGraff.
And knowing my luck, there'll probably be another riot over there. If only the drunk bros WOULDN'T come back to campus, I'd be so much happier...
It's Thursday morning and I'm procrastinating the fuck out of life again. Being an extremely rude mix of bored and tired, this individual that is typing in front of you would love to wake up. I can't really remember what I had been dreaming of, but waking up to a panic attack doesn't feel good :(.
Anyway, yeah I know I mentioned it's Thursday but there's many things about this weekend that aren't so great. namely Saturday night = another likely round of war with the bad kids of DeGraff.
And knowing my luck, there'll probably be another riot over there. If only the drunk bros WOULDN'T come back to campus, I'd be so much happier...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Another Situation Semi-Resolved
It's a lovely Tuesday afternoon and I've been moving forward with it all. I'm stronger than any stressors that I have. That's life for ya :)
I'm stronger than this.
I'm stronger than this.
Still Alive
Well amazingly enough I am still alive. It's been almost a month since I last posted anything... And I guess that's probably just how things are with me. I end up wanting to do something but keep pushing it off until it comes around and bites me in the ass.
I guess this blog isn't necessarily on the same boat as the rest of things and is significantly less likely to do such a thing as to hurt me in such a manner. SO! I'm just going to have to force myself to keep typing every day because the one day I don't feel like writing is probably going to be the first day in a set/line that leads to my eventual demise in which I don't feel like posting yet I really want to.
If that wasn't confusing enough, I have no clue what so ever why I'm so awake at the present moment. The fact that I slept for ungodly number of hours the previous previous night as well as yesterday afternoon may have a direct correlation but making such associations would require me to actually acknowledge that I wasn't sleeping simply to not be awake.
Yeah... up to late I've been a mix of depressed, stressed and over all not that great. My LONG-over due Anthro-Con report will be up and running shortly and when it is I hope I'll be able to clear as many situational things out of the way as possible. Mostly saying, it's been a rough few weeks for me. And even more interesting I'm still both sober and sane over the whole matter.
I basically am just letting these stressors get to me when I really don't need to let them do so. I've got a shit ton of stuff to do but they're getting done. At the end of the day I simply need to take a moment and BREATHE. That and enjoy a cold slice of watermelon. Both of which will probably make me feel at least a bit better over the long run. Everything works out if you let them. And I of all people need to accept that small fact and learn to live my life to it's full potential while I'm still alive.
I know that I've made some pretty bad life decisions in the past. Everyone has. And simply looking back on the previous day, each one of us has the ability to think of at least one thing or situation that we could have improved upon. I need to accept that fact and stop thinking of ways I could make the past better. I live in today. Not yesterday. Not yesteryear. Not that century away that I swear I was reincarnated from. I live in today.
And so rather that ponder more of the matter. I'm going to take a break from typing and instead go back to my British Dramas (watching New Tricks at the moment) and get on with my life.
I guess this blog isn't necessarily on the same boat as the rest of things and is significantly less likely to do such a thing as to hurt me in such a manner. SO! I'm just going to have to force myself to keep typing every day because the one day I don't feel like writing is probably going to be the first day in a set/line that leads to my eventual demise in which I don't feel like posting yet I really want to.
If that wasn't confusing enough, I have no clue what so ever why I'm so awake at the present moment. The fact that I slept for ungodly number of hours the previous previous night as well as yesterday afternoon may have a direct correlation but making such associations would require me to actually acknowledge that I wasn't sleeping simply to not be awake.
Yeah... up to late I've been a mix of depressed, stressed and over all not that great. My LONG-over due Anthro-Con report will be up and running shortly and when it is I hope I'll be able to clear as many situational things out of the way as possible. Mostly saying, it's been a rough few weeks for me. And even more interesting I'm still both sober and sane over the whole matter.
I basically am just letting these stressors get to me when I really don't need to let them do so. I've got a shit ton of stuff to do but they're getting done. At the end of the day I simply need to take a moment and BREATHE. That and enjoy a cold slice of watermelon. Both of which will probably make me feel at least a bit better over the long run. Everything works out if you let them. And I of all people need to accept that small fact and learn to live my life to it's full potential while I'm still alive.
I know that I've made some pretty bad life decisions in the past. Everyone has. And simply looking back on the previous day, each one of us has the ability to think of at least one thing or situation that we could have improved upon. I need to accept that fact and stop thinking of ways I could make the past better. I live in today. Not yesterday. Not yesteryear. Not that century away that I swear I was reincarnated from. I live in today.
And so rather that ponder more of the matter. I'm going to take a break from typing and instead go back to my British Dramas (watching New Tricks at the moment) and get on with my life.
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