December 1st: Cleanse My Soul

So it would seem that it has been 4 months since I've last gotten around to typing up anything good or anything for that matter on this lonely little site.

It's been a while. Which is to say the least of the matter that I've been a mix of busy and in need of deeper therapy to cleanse my mind of the BS that keeps encircling me.

Maybe part of me savors this reality. Part of me wants the pain that develops from the drama that ensues. But what can I say. In the course of one week, I lose or have gone to war with 3 people in my life. And such counter evaluation has in turn caused a number of additional dominos to fall.

To say the least. I must learn to do what is best for myself instead of what I could for other people. Long story short I bought a plane ticket for someone that I had at the time felt was a friend. My stupid sense of honoring promises is not only painful but also exceedingly bullshit. As the $400 and 30,000 skymiles could have been of much much better use in doing something for myself.

I suppose in the end the thing that hurt me the most is the fact that the fucker couldn't even apologize to me. That and he used his boyfriend to blame me for "forcing him" into accepting.

Meh. I need to get over it. Revenge while sweet would only cause more drama in the long run? Though if nothing else I could just go and have the debt requisitioned.

Secondly. An old face. Someone I met in July. Someone I spent a lot of special time with. Someone who asked me to be his. They don't seem to care about it all anymore. I have 3 Do Not Contact messages in my inboxes. I'm struggling to bring myself to open them. I don't know why. It wouldn't take 2 mins to open, say sorry and then write them off as a lost cause.

And of course that leads to the final person on my list. Which of course the fact remains that I may yet have them. BF is currently MIA. He won't defend me, no matter what happens. And you know that hurts. It really does. I asked him if I mattered so little that he wouldn't stand up for me. And yet he choosed not even to respond.

There are of course more sides to each story. Many that I won't mention or go into. I may demonize others, but in my eyes I have justification to. Though if nothing else, I ask that a measure of sanity be given to my pain and eventual hurt.

Within me is a raging pot that boils over frequently. I want to be freed of this hate. But it's hard. Hard to explain. Hard to place in measure. Or context. I say what I will and that I suppose is all I can do.

In other news. music. It strangely can change my personality.

08/01/2013 August

It's the start of August.

I'm not about to let a new month stop this amazing feeling I have within me. Any number of things are going right and all I have to do is remain happy and I know it will work out for the best.

07/21/2013 Prepp

It's getting late. Soon I'll have to be responsible and go to work.

But before that I need to get dressed.